Member Spotlight!: Member Spotlight: Ninjaprophet & jeffs_toy`

I was privileged to chat recently with two folks who met on bondage.com and have found a wonderful and profound connection. Jenn and Jeff (or NinjaProphet ) and Jenn (or jeffs_toy') found one another on bondage.com and enjoy a deep connection, a surprisingly toucing story, and a shared humor and affection that was truly a joy to share.

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Mollena: Hellew?

Jenn: hi Mollena

Mollena: w00t!

Jeff: Hi there :)

Mollena: OK! So "here" we are. Hello Jenn ;-)

Jenn: hey :D

Mollena: thanks a bunch for agreeing to get on the hotplate.

Mollena: er

Mollena: agreeing to be interviewed.

Mollena: or something.

Mollena: *ahem*

Jenn: *Heh* I live with Jeff, nothing can scare me anymore

Mollena: Oho...so THAT'S how it is in y'all's house!

Jenn: Yea: he's the sadist and I poke him regularly.

Jeff: she's a switch...go figure

Mollena: Poking Sadists is the new Extreme Sport!

Mollena: I kicked a lion's paw whip out of my Trainer's hand once. *smiles nostalgically* Good times. Good times.

Mollena: But enough about me.

Jeff: never enough

Jeff: Oops, was that my outside voice?

Mollena: You fine feathered perverts met on bondage.com, is that the truth?

Jenn: Yep

Jeff: Yes, the rumor is true

Jenn: I saw a response to a blog and it made me want to find him to talk more, so I followed him one night to a/v chat

Mollena: Aw!

Mollena: so you ...um...stalked his ass!

Jenn: Yea I kinda did

Mollena: WIN.

Jenn: WIN for me

Mollena: When did this moment of cyber-stalkin' go down?

Jenn: Oh goodness, September 2006 I think

Jeff: A short time later, I was looking to leave Wisconsin.... made plans to move to Florida, which fell through at the last minute and Jenn invited me here...

Mollena: How long had you been a bondage.com member?

Jenn: I've been on bondage.com for 6 years or so

Jeff: 4 for me...makes me the newbie I guess

Mollena: that is ~hardly~ all dewy-eyed newbie, my book.

Mollena: Had either of you connected with another bondage.com person previously?

Jenn: I had met a couple in my area that I was close friends with and a guy from PA. But Jeff is the social butterfly.

Jeff: I had a brief relationship with someone local in Wisconsin. I was on Alt.com at the time and she told me about Bondage.com

Mollena: How long was your online correspondence before you took it R/T?

Jenn: 3 months maybe?

Jeff: I was gonna say 4...so around that long

Mollena: so many people do the LDR thing and it winds up full of fail.

Jenn: I have done LDR before and it was full of fail

Jeff: <-- never did that.

Jenn: He was soon to be homeless and I'm a sucker for strays

Jeff: the economy in Wisconsin tanked badly that year and work was very scarce.

Jenn: honestly Jeff was supposed to only be here a short while and he was going to be continuing south. Also I was collared at the time, and living with a 'nilla guy who didn't know about any of it.

Mollena: Ooo.

Mollena: But, I surmise, available for some play outside of the collaring?

Jenn: With permission.

Jeff: I met Jenn in R/T for the first time in a McDonald's parking lot

Jeff: at 1 AM

Jeff: one look in her eyes canceled all my plans

Jeff: that's a bit emo, but true

Mollena: I totally fucking just choked the hell up right now.

Mollena: Dammit, people!

Jeff: ****ducks****

Jenn: you asked for this, you must be a masochist too

Mollena: *hangs head*

Mollena: it is true.

Mollena: Jenn, what was your first impression?

Jenn: That he was cute and that I was probably be doing more with him than letting him sleep in the spare room

Jenn: in fact he never did end up sleeping in the spare room anyway

Jeff: :)

Jenn: O:-)

Mollena: :-))

Mollena: SO, there he is, there is some mutual attraction. You are collared, Jenn, and you are in a serious transitional period, Jeff.

Jeff: Exactly

Mollena: This would seem to be pretty danged problematic.

Mollena: ...to say the least!

Jenn: *lol* you have no idea

Mollena: Give me some of the dirt! Well, ALL would be great too, as I am nosy as hell.

Jeff: It was...uh, interesting to say the least.

Jeff: ... the 'nilla boyfriend moved into the spare bedroom, she got un-collared a week later and we began in earnest.

Mollena: Were you in a D/S, M/S, T/B situation? What was your current identification at the beginning of things?

Jeff: I'd say we were S/M at first.... and slowly approaching D/S. I've only done the Dom thing with a part-time playmate before Jenn, and 24/7 is a completely different dynamic...one I'm not completely comfortable with.

Jenn: ...though I also classify as a switch.

Jeff: ...and a good one. I've seen her work :)

Mollena: Nice. Nice.

Mollena: and your previous collar?

Jenn: We are still very close with them

Jeff:They are our best friends here.

Mollena: That is not the easiest situation to manage either :-)

Jeff: It has its moments, but overall, much better than I had anticipated

Mollena: ...so the release from the collar was not one that generated rancor or difficult feelings?

Jenn: Not at all, in fact I'm still teased about that night

Jenn: Apparently I was the only one who didn't realize I was going to be asking to be released.

Jenn: …and I was sitting there worrying about hurting feelings

Mollena: *nodding* I can imagine it must have been nerve wracking.

Jeff: well, if I may

Jeff: I knew that her relationship with them had done her a ton of good, so it wasn't an either / or situation. I didn't want her to lose what she had with them

Jeff: and seeing we socialize with them often it was better to come to an understanding that we could all live with.

Mollena: *nodding*

Mollena: Although one would hope that people would see this type of transition in that light all of the time, it can be VERY difficult to manage.

Jeff: None of us are communication majors, so there have been some bumps in the road, but it's gone really well overall

Mollena: *lol*

Mollena: What was the transition from her previous situation to your new relationship like?

Jenn: I know it was weird for me going from slave to just submissive

Mollena: How so?

Jenn: As a submissive I feel like I have more of a say, so sometimes I can be a pain in the ass about things, where as a slave I don't question anything

Mollena: *nodding* Did you find that this happened organically, or were you making an adjustment for the sake of the relationship?

Jeff: It's a result of the dynamic between us.... it's different to say the least

Jenn: Yea: kinda evolved.

Jeff: I never wanted a 24/7 slave...I need to know what her needs and wants are. I won't just assume I know and bull my way through it.

Jeff: sometimes, Jenn feels she's topping from the bottom, but I don't see it that way. We're still working out a lot of our "roles' definitions...so it's a work in progress

Jenn: I've been simplifying and saying I'm a sadomasochist because I like to hit or be hit, and it all depends on the personality of the person I'm interacting with.

Jeff: and I always said just "Sadist" but now I'm working toward a more Dominant role. It's going to end up a blend of the two, just a matter of finding the right balance

Mollena: Do you take power dynamic "time outs" to negotiate this balance?

Jenn: All the time

Jeff: Yes, without that...it'd be a constant struggle

Jenn: We even go out on "'nilla" dates once in a while

Mollena: *shocked*

Mollena: Um...are you sure you wanna go on record with that bombshell?!?!

Jenn: a lot of things we do are vanilla due to the kids

Jeff: fuck 'em I can't wear leather all the damned time

Jenn: lol

Mollena: No doubt!!! Gets hot and chafetastic.

Jeff: And I'm just not comfortable walking around Wal-Mart with a crop in my hand.

Jenn: Heh, but he will swat at my ass as were walking in the parking lot or in the aisles.

Mollena: THAT is why I love Hoe Depot

Mollena: *ahem*

Mollena: HOME depot.

Mollena: HAH

Mollena: best.

Mollena: typo.

Mollena: EVAR!!!

Jenn: *wishes she got to do that editing*

Mollena: No edit...that one stays in.

Jeff: O:-)

Mollena: I think we get spoiled in San Francisco.

Jenn: lol

Mollena: the West Marine stores KNOW we are there for Nefarious Purposes when we shop.

Jenn: lol

Jenn: I think Wal-Mart is on to me.

Mollena: They see y'all coming and lock up the garden weasels, eh?

Jenn: lol

Jeff: In the end, we're just a couple trying to build a life together and we've both proven that we're willing to do whatever that takes

Mollena: How do you balance your d/s with the family life?

Jeff: balance??? With two small boys??? Did you fall down and hit yer head?

Jenn: we try to go on a few non-'nilla dates a few times a year, and of course there's always after bedtime :D

Jeff: we do the Fetish Flea in New England every year and the Diabolique ball in Philly.

Jenn: Little covert pinches when no one is in the room also help.

Mollena: What would you say your core fetishes are in terms of play styles? What gets you going and keeps your dynamic alive?

Jeff: We've been doing a lot of sensation play lately.... and I like it :D I'd never given sensation play a second thought…but Jenn liked it and now I do too

Jenn: at the core we're just two perverts trying to be able to keep getting each other off, so we change

Jeff: wax, knife-play, scratching, etc.

Jenn: we go through phases, sensation play, floggings/canes, etc.

Mollena: so the focus is more on the emotional bond? How does that inform your play, or vice versa?

Jeff: wow, that's a tough one

Jeff: yeah, it changes

Jeff: sometimes I like bondage... at others, it bores me...

Mollena: I've found that sometimes, it is so much about wanting to elicit a particular reaction: people being social, social interactions can be so complex. Adding a power dynamic makes it all the more interesting. What is your "give / take" in terms of fulfilling one another's kink desires / needs?

Jeff: we're open to try anything...if it works, we'll do it again

Jeff: Jenn's ability to take pain varies a lot, so I have to stay on my toes with new things

Mollena: how is that for you, as the Big Bad Dominant Master Lord of your Realm? To have to be "flexible"?

Jeff: lol...not too bad... My personality was pretty flexible to start with...I just had to change my ideas about what was right and wrong about it. Again, it's a bit different when you live with each other and have a household to run

Mollena: ...adding to this you are adjusting to a new power dynamic!

Jeff: Yup...and like I said, I have no idea how it will end up

Jenn: Things have to flex and change or the whole things gets stagnant

Mollena: How do you find that ebb and flow, Jenn?

Jenn: My Chinese zodiac sign is the snake, and that usually represents change, so ebb and flow is a big part in my life. I'm also a Cancer and we all know how moody they can be ;)

Jeff: I've been in relationships that never changed.....that's because they were dead

Mollena: many people mistake stagnation for stability and wonder why the joy leaves their lives like oxygen from a closed room.

Jeff: exactly. I was in therapy years ago and the therapist had to explain the difference between "cease-fire" and "peace" My childhood home only knew cease-fire...so when I was in a relationship and we weren't fighting, I figured that was as good as it got. I wasn't much fun back then...lol

Mollena: that is a critical insight to have gained. we are rarely taught to engage joyfully. Hopefully, you have an insight into that and can nurture it!

Jeff: oh yeah.....my first question when I look at all my relationships is: Where's the joy??? If it's there. It is worth continuing.

Jenn: yea I always tried to keep the peace in my relationships just to keep the "stability"

Mollena: …and that can be exhausting

Jenn: You bet

Mollena: How would you describe your styles when t comes to resolving conflict?

Jeff: We both could be called stuffers, so conflict doesn't happen often, but when it does, we make up for lost time. Usually, we have a big argument and then the next day we talk it calmly

Jenn: Yea were quiet for a while then we blow up, but like an explosion we run out of fuel fast and are able to resolve things pretty quickly and rationally.

Mollena: Hah! The manic emotional unpacking syndrome!

Jeff: Nah, I'm too lazy to pack right away

Jenn: lol

Mollena: *laughs* How long have you all been together?

Jeff: 2 years this coming December

Mollena: neat!

Jeff: Very much so

Mollena: if you were so inclined, what advice might you give to people looking to meet a partner on bondage.com?

Jenn: To be more flexible and look past appearances

Jeff: I think she's saying I'm ugly...not sure tho...;)

Jenn: *lol* im saying yer old :P

Jeff: :D yup

Mollena: Oh snap!

Jeff: To meet a partner on bondage.com isn't that different then meeting someone at a coffeehouse...Ya start with small talk and see what interests you both.

Mollena: indeed, it seems that most people start with a list of kinks to negotiate.

Jenn: you have to be open to new ideas, there are things Jeff liked that I didn't, until I agreed to try it

Jeff: Let's be real...at some point you have to roll the dice. Everyone is looking for a fail-safe method of meeting people and there isn't one. I loaded everything I owned into my van and drove 1000 miles...I never thought I'd be here two years later and very much in love....but I took the chance and it was the best thing I ever did. And she let someone she never met move into her home, so she took a big risk too

Mollena: Any regrets? Things you might have done differently?

Jenn: nope

Jeff: I can't come up with a thing.

Jeff: Except I wish we could have met five years earlier :)

Mollena: Aw!

Jenn: bwaaahahahahahahahaa

Mollena: it is often true that the dynamic can be fed by the sub / slave / bottom's need too. Many dominant / top / master types forget that it is AS important to serve as to be served. ain't a vacuum, people.

Jenn: You're right, and as weird as it feels Jeff does try to feed my desires, even if it means letting me find others to hit :D

Jeff: Ayup...cause she ain't hittin' me :O

Jenn: Nope

Jenn: even thought he needs it sometimes

Mollena: Hah!

Jeff: Me??? NEVAH

Jeff: I'm pure as the driven slush

Mollena: How did that evolve? your switching?

Jenn: My switching? I don't know really, I think someone mentioned it would be hot to watch me top someone, (the first someone being Jeff) so I did and ended up liking it way too much

Jeff: Yup, I was the one who said she'd make a good top...and I used my outside voice...dammit :D

Mollena: do you just NOT bottom, Jeff, or is it more that you don't switch in your own dynamic?

Jenn: He is not a bottom

Jeff: I'm not that flexible dear :|

Mollena: =))

Mollena: do you recall when you first decided that you wanted t o explore that? and how does iit fit into your dynamic: i.e., is it tough to shift gears?

Jenn: yes. I first did it about a year ago because Jeff wanted me to try it, and its pretty easy for me to shift because I usually know what type of situation I'm going into. I know when to be toppy and when not to be

Mollena: I know that for some folks the adrenaline rush can be a tough tide to turn into / out of

Jenn: It can be, but usually we keep it separate: if I'm going to be topping, Jeff usually doesn't participate. If I'm to be submissive, we don't let me hit anyone :D

Jeff: I watch...it's hawt :D

Mollena: Do you consider yourselves poly? play-poly? Monogamous with outside play?

Jenn: Yes

Jeff: And yes, but we both have to be there for sexual play

Jenn: When it comes to play just about anyone is fair game, when it comes to sex were more closed.

Mollena: How / why are they different for you?

Jeff: Sex involve a lot more intimacy...and it complicates the relationship. So we're not gonna jump into that unless we're really sure about the other parties involved

Mollena: *nodding* it is interesting that people are ALL over the map about that! Was that something that you two needed to negotiate?

Jeff: yes, we negotiated that....kinda nuts not too

Jenn: We have had some head bumping about it, we have friends both in the swinging scene and in the BDSM scene and sometimes they don't get along or understand each other, but as I said before me and Jeff are flexible perverts just looking to get each other off in any way possible

Mollena: oh lord yeah. You'd think it was a turf war the way the pervs and the swingers snark.

Jeff: lol...swingers are pervs without the toys

Mollena: In the immortal words of Rodney King? "Can't we all just ....get along?"

Jenn: No kidding

Jeff: We belong to a couple of swinger sites...haven't had any issues there

Jenn: Haven't made as many friends either

Jeff: True...

Mollena: There is SOME crossover. there are plenty of people on AdultFriendFinder.com, for example, who have kinkier profiles on ALT.com and bcom. The reverse is also true. But the swing scene does tend to trip out on BDSM at swing events. and it is RARE, at least I most of the mixed parties I attend, to see more than a handful of couples in active sex.

Jenn: I honestly think I've met more swingers and poly people being here on bcom than anywhere else.

Mollena: Interesting! I wonder why that might be...perhaps they feel freer to fully explore in a bdsm oriented site.

Jenn: I think there are a lot of misconceptions about BDSM that hang people up

Jeff: and misconceptions triggers fears

Mollena: that is certainly true

Jeff: sometimes Jenn and I just have hot sex...yanno???

Mollena: I tell you what...a few years back I (mostly joking) "Outed" myself at a Munch as an enjoyer of missionary position in-the-dark sex. It became an ongoing joke! "Interventions" were planned....

Jeff: OH MY! So yer a freak huh???

Mollena:Yep.

Mollena: ...and I'll do it again.

Jeff: nice...

Mollena: :-))

Mollena: well I have kept you wonderful people on for a long time…just

be sure to get me a photo for the banner, and we are set!

Jeff: Ya wanna cock pic???

Jeff: ROFLMAO

Jenn: bwahahahahahahah

Mollena: only if it is rampant and oozing with semen, please.

Mollena: kthxbai

Jeff: hmm, gonna need Jennn's help with that part

Jenn: lol

Mollena: I'll make it a LOLCOCK, for certain….

Jenn: It is rampant, oozing however takes a while

Mollena: …put some googly eyes on it…

Jeff: meh...maybe not then

Jeff: :)

Mollena: A thousand thinks for your time, and your openness!

Jeff: ***bows gracefully....(and falls down)***

Mollena: hah!

Jenn: It was fun :D

Jeff: And now the Dark, Daddy domly one must go fix a bike...who's topping whom there??

Mollena: *sings* "I fought the bike, and the bike won…"