Mistress Ariachne's BDSM Workshop: Tempering Enthusiasm with Experience -- and Vice Versa

How many times have I seen someone come into my dungeon, pick up a flogger, and smack their friend silly in all the wrong places? So many newbies are now entering the BDSM scene that you'll often find players with far more enthusiasm than experience. These excited beginners bring a lot of great energy into a scene, but they need to learn to temper their excitement with actual learning and experience. On the other hand, long-time players can learn from beginners as well, breaking routine play habits and bringing the excitement back into play.

Overboard with Enthusiasm

Many new players have a great deal of enthusiasm, especially once they've tasted a scene or two. I meet a lot of new friends at my play parties who want to explore BDSM to its limits the first few times. While this enthusiasm is a great start, I've seen many new players turn off potential play partners or get a reputation in the scene as a bad player -- not because of any intentional wrongdoings, but simply because they tend to jump into playing with much gusto and little practice or knowledge.

The best advice for new players is to temper your enthusiasm with as much learning and practice as you can pack in. Start with a reading of a basic BDSM intro book, like SM 101, Screw the Roses/Send Me the Thorns, or the combination of The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book. Any of these will give you a good basic understanding of traditional BDSM. They will also give you a good overview of the wonderful options and play styles available to you -- an excellent jumping-off place for more specialized study.

The Internet can also be a great way to learn some basics -- bondage.com itself offers a number of informative articles that can help you get started. As with all Internet research, use your critical judgment. There are plenty of sites out there that claim to offer BDSM info and instead are fantasy creations that present a totally unrealistic view of what real play is about.

Beyond the printed page, the best way to learn how to be a good player, whether top or bottom is to make friends with some of the more experienced players. While not all long-time players have room in their schedules for teaching, a majority of them are happy to help you out with some advice on technique. Just be polite and explain that you are a newbie; make sure not to interrupt the more experienced players during a scene as well.

Finally, some of the larger urban areas offer workshops and classes on BDSM and sexual techniques.

Once you have a grasp of the basic of traditional BDSM, it's time to practice. I highly recommend extended practice with inanimate objects before you try your flogging, clamping, bondage, or other techniques on a partner. Experiment on yourself to get a feel for the sensations. When you finally feel comfortable with a new technique, try to get a close friend to be your first victim, er, subject. That way you can expect honest communication and a (relative) tolerance of your mistakes as you practice.

While you might be very eager to show off your new knowledge at the next play party, remember that you're not there to impress the other players. Folks in the BDSM scene do respect good technique, but there's nothing wrong with using one technique well as opposed to mixing many poorly. Remember that your focus should be your partner, not a display of your skills.

Overboard Experience

While new players tend to behave like a big, affectionate puppy and go overboard with their enthusiasm, long-time players sometimes suffer the opposite problem. After many years of nailing down their traditional techniques, they can get stuck in a rut. You see them as the bored couple at the play party who always have the same routine -- he ties her up to the cross, flogs her with the same flogger, spanks her the same way, and unties his yawning submissive.

In many cases, the traditional BDSM scene is partly to blame. While the BDSM philosophy advocates playful exploration, in practice you'll often encounter experienced players who believe there is an absolute "right" way to do everything. Some scenes reinforce this idea and you end up with play parties where play is not only required to be "safe and sane" (a good idea), but it's also severely restricted to traditional bondage, whipping, and spanking. What if you want to tie someone up with licorice ropes and torture them with wet red hots?

I think many experienced players could benefit from remembering their own enthusiasm as a beginner, when BDSM was new and magical. It can be even better when you're experienced and don't have to worry about fumbling with ropes or hitting someone in the wrong place. Step back and take a fresh approach to play -- don't limit yourself to the scenes outlined in the basic books. You'll soon find new and very interesting ways to turn you and your partner on.