Mistress Ariachne's BDSM Workshop: Polyamory: Playing By the Rules

I have been involved with and observed a large number of polyamorous relationships, some successful and some not so successful. Most of these relationships involved a "primary" couple and lovers outside the primary relationship. One thing stood out to me as a good predictor of success. That factor was the extent to which the primary couple had negotiated and defined the rules of the relationship beforehand.

The rules of the average, monogamous "normal" relationship are pretty simple: don't sleep with anybody else. That basic rule is more often implicit than explicit. Both partners assume that's the rule, and it's seldom talked about unless it becomes a problem.

In poly relationships, on the other hand, success hinges on agreeing upon and then sticking to a very definite set of rules. While this may seem at odds with the freewheeling, exploratory aspect of polyamory, believe me -- a good set of relationship rules can prevent much of the jealousy, hurt, misconception and other bad feelings that can tear a poly couple apart.

The key to creating a successful rule framework, of course, is extended discussion and agreement on a set of rules *before * you go outside the relationship. Both parties should feel comfortable with the final rule set. Don't let one partner feel taken advantage of -- that leads to resentment and problems down the road.

Here are few basic rules that I highly recommend using, no matter what other restrictions (or lack thereof) you decide on. When you stick to these basics, most problems can be resolved rationally and without excess heartbreak.

1. All sex outside the primary relationship must be as safe as possible. Polyamory should never put your primary partner at risk of disease. I recommend using condoms in all instances of penetration; they're not perfect, but they definitely cut down the risk for AIDS and other STDs. You may want to use spermicidal as well for a backup. I consider unsafe sex with an outside poly partner a huge breach of trust and grounds for dissolving the primary relationship.

2. Both partners must be honest about their outside relationships and/or sexual encounters. I do know some couples who just don't want to know, and don't ask -- which is fine. But I think your primary partner owes it to you to give you completely honest answers to any questions you may have about his or her outside experiences. I believe this rule is vital to maintaining the base of trust you need for a successful poly relationship. In fact, when my husband broke this rule in our open relationship, it effectively dissolved the marriage.

These two rules are biggies that belong in any polyamorous relationship. Beyond these, however, there are plenty of others that you may or may not choose to use. Some possibilities:

-The primary partner comes first. That is, any need, appointment, etc. that your primary wants has priority over your outside relationships. This is a great trust-builder, and can help ease your primary's mind.

-Your primary partner has say over who you can sleep with. I've seen this rule both misused and used successfully in a relationship. It depends on how much involvement and control you want each other to have over the outside explorations.

-You can only have sex with others if your primary is there having sex with them too. Seriously, this is a pretty common way to start exploring polyamory. The pros: your primary gets in on all the action and knows everything that's going on. The cons: your primary has the chance to get extremely jealous by watching firsthand as you have sex with someone else.

-You can only have sex with members of a certain gender. This is very common as well -- usually with men who want their girlfriends sleeping with other women only. Again, it provides a nice introduction to polyamory, especially if it alleviates or eliminates jealousy.

And then there are the logistical rules that seem like minute details, but can become great big headaches if you don't agree on them beforehand. Some examples:

-Both of you must have sex with your other lovers outside the house (i.e., at their place). This can be an especially important rule when a primary is attached to the house as an ideal of loyalty, the wedding bed as a symbol of the main relationship, etc.

-You must have your outside sexual encounters while your primary is not around.

-You can't stay the night at a lover's house. I know one couple who has this rule and it helps maintain their trust for each other. I personally find it inconvenient.

And finally, there are the rules that definitely spell trouble. Examples:

-I can have sex with whomever I want, but my primary isn't allowed to go outside the relationship. Right. Big trouble right there. Polyamory should allow for the satisfaction of both partners -- if you're not interested in that, why be with your partner in the first place?

-Any rule that favors one partner over the other -- i.e., you can veto my partners but I can't veto yours. Or, you can have sex with anyone you meet at the club but I have to stick to female friends you know. These inequalities can foster resentment that builds up over time and can rip a relationship apart.

If you and your partner take the time to sit down and have a serious discussion about your personal set of rules, your poly relationship has a much better chance of succeeding. And yes, I'd put myself in an open marriage again. Good luck to you in your poly endeavors!