Mistress Ariachne's BDSM Workshop: Dispelling BDSM Doubts: The Top

Experienced tops seem so smooth and in control as they run their scenes. But all of us, at one time or another has experienced doubts about our BDSM practices--doubts that sometimes overwhelm players and force them to drop out of the scene. But the most common doubts are unfounded, based on nothing but the preconceptions society grinds into us against SM play. If you face your doubts with reason, observation, and the willingness to learn and practice, you'll find that major roadblocks disappear into thin air.

This column addresses doubts that often plague tops. My next column will examine the issue from the sub's side.

Top Doubts

"I'm a bad person for hurting my sub."

No matter how much your sub begs you to whip her till she bleeds, most of us experience some hesitation and doubt at the beginning of our top careers. The "normal" side of us often overloads us with the thoughts ingrained in us from childhood: "It's wrong to hurt someone else." Humans have an innate instinct to avoid harm, and usually to try to help others avoid harm. It can be difficult to go against that instinct.

This is where reason and empathy come in. If you are playing correctly, everything you do should be consensual, of course. But it goes beyond that. Keep in mind that not only is your sub putting up with the pain, but it is satisfying, energizing, erotic--even transforming. You are taking her to places that only pain can lead, and she actively wants that.

Take some time to really watch subs in scenes. If you have a good connection and are doing a scene that resonates with your sub, you'll see she is reacting well to the pain--using subtle body motions to indicate she wants more, for instance. Discuss what she feels right after a scene. Does she feel good or bad? Satisfied or terrified? Empathizing with her emotions will help you see how what you are doing is something good--even though that goes against all the ways we are trained growing up.

"I'm a bad person for enjoying hurting my sub."

Just as a scene allows the bottom to explore places he can't get to ordinarily, it also lets the top explore "forbidden" feelings. While many tops come to grips with the fact that their subs like pain, they have a much harder time making peace with the inner sadist. But it is natural--even requisite--for tops to enjoy giving their bottoms pain. What you may not realize is that you are enjoying the whole experience, not just the pain. You are partaking in what we define as power exchange. Just as giving up and submitting can be a rush for the bottom, the top receives a rush of heady power that can often include the enjoyment of giving pain. What is important to remember is that the bottom is *willingly* giving you that power. Do you enjoy turning your partner on in bed? It is a similar feeling.

The most effective way to dispel this doubt is to imagine what you would feel if you hurt someone non-consensually. At first you may be afraid that your sadism will carry over into your non-scene life. But be realistic. Would you enjoy crushing the toe of someone you see walking down the street? Would you enjoy making a little girl cry by destroying her favorite doll? Unless you truly have some psychotic tendencies (in which case I recommend getting yourself to a doctor ASAP), the answers are probably "no." It is important when examining yourself in this way that you remove all possible erotic factors from your imagined scenarios. Many tops have fantasies of kidnapping some poor unsuspecting person and giving them a good spanking. But that is an eroticized fantasy. Think of very non-fantasy scenarios and you will soon see that what you enjoy is not just giving pain, but giving pain in a power exchange situation.

"I am not experienced enough to be a top."

The antidote to this doubt is lots of research and observation followed by practice, practice, practice. By no means am I recommending that you dive in and try play piercing or heavy whipping without knowing anything. All tops should begin with reading, discussion, observation of live scenes (where possible), and even a few good instructional videos. But you have to start somewhere.

The most important ingredient in starting is a sub with whom you have a good connection and who is not afraid to give you feedback. Start with the basics, and with scenes that don't have a high risk factor. Light bondage, spanking, and role playing are great beginner scenes. Make sure you approach every scene as a learning opportunity and put what you learn into practice the next time. Actually playing is the only way to become an experienced top.

"My sub (or myself) is mentally ill for wanting this."

We have all been told over and over again that seeking out pain is self-destructive, a sign of imbalance, a clear warning of mental illness, and so on. There is no doubt that within the scene, there are a small percentage of people who could use psychological help--just as in any sampling of the population. But being into BDSM does not make you or your sub crazy. In fact, many people in the scene have used BDSM to heal psychological wounds, become more whole, and move towards a happier, well-balanced life. Accepting the parts of you that enjoy BDSM is a healthy step towards knowing and liking yourself.

Again, observation is key to unraveling this doubt. Lift the preconceptions our puritanical society pushes on us and take a good look at your sub after a scene. If you have done your job well, she should be glowing with enjoyment and satisfaction--feelings that don't usually follow a self-destructive act. Play is a normal and healthy part of life, and BDSM can be a wonderful part of play.