Mistress Ariachne's BDSM Workshop: Coping With Post-Play "Drop"

Picture this scenario: you have looked forward to some playtime with your Mistress for weeks. The date finally arrives; you come to her dungeon filled with anticipation. She binds you to her St. Andrew's cross and gives you a long, slow, sensual flogging that builds to an amazing crescendo, during which you experience a huge endorphin high coupled with an ecstatic release of emotions. She lets you cum in her presence, and the orgasm is one of the best you've ever had. You return home floating on a cloud.

But the next day, you wake up feeling strange. Physically, you are unharmed, but you feel depressed, listless, and as if there is an impending doom approaching. You find yourself having bouts of panic. You begin to question whether submission and BDSM are really for you. You feel lonely but antisocial, irritated by every little thing, and a feeling of general malaise sets in.

You may not know it, but you are experiencing a relatively common phenomenon known as "sub-drop." "Top-drop" exists as well. Symptoms include -- but are not limited to -- feelings of depression, panic, worthlessness, hopelessness, guilt and remorse. While it can be painful at the time, the good news is that top-drop or sub-drop does not usually last very long -- and if you understand it, you have a better chance of remedying your emotional post-scene lows.

WHY DO WE DROP?

The post-scene blues can be attributed to a host of reasons. They are different for each person, but some general themes do seem to reoccur. One of the significant factors in this drop is the emotional roller-coaster we often experience leading up to, during, and after a scene. The excitement leading up to a scene and our intense emotions during it can cause a form of temporary emotional burnout. We can open ourselves up so completely to our play partner that we then feel a need to put some distance between them and us.

Absorbing the pain and/or mental force administered during a scene takes a tremendous amount of emotional energy. Part of what many bottoms love about playing is how much it forces them to rise to the occasion, transcending ordinary limits and desires to meet the will and force of the top. Afterwards, they can feel tremendously drained emotionally, unable to psychically defend themselves against the smallest irritation.

A top is even more likely to expend a huge amount of energy on preparing for and facilitating the scene. Beyond the physical energy needed to swing a flogger or spank a bottom, the top needs the mental energy to sense and direct the flow of the scene, be responsible for the safety of the bottom, raise and lower the bottom's energy, and provide aftercare. Plenty of tops feel drained afterwards as well.

Another significant emotion that can come to the surface after a scene is a feeling of guilt or shame. Think of the man who is incredibly horny and excited to see a prostitute -- as soon as he cums, he wants nothing more than to quickly escape the situation. While we hope that most scenes do not produce quite that strong of a reaction, there is no denying that many people still harbor some guilt about their kinky pleasures. After all, our society goes to great pains to tell us over and over again how perverted and evil we are for wanting anything but the heterosexual missionary position. Even the most enlightened kinksters may still have some guilt squirreled away in their subconscious. It tends to come to the surface after a scene, when we are emotionally raw and vulnerable.

This is especially true for tops, who may feel guilty about hurting someone else, even though the other person wanted (and begged for) it.

PHYSICAL FACTORS

There may be physical underpinnings to the feelings of panic, terror, or depression as well. A heavy or exciting scene may release a great deal of endorphins, or load up your brain synapses with frenzied firing. I sometimes liken this effect to that created by some drugs, like ecstasy. You can get high on a scene without any drugs at all. The downside is that once your body and brain experience that high, they must restore equilibrium and return to normal. In doing so, your body and mind often experience a sharp downswing. It is generally much milder than the "coming down" experienced by drug users, but in some cases it can feel overwhelming, endless, and terrifying.

Exhaustion, both physical and mental, is often part of sub-drop or top-drop. Being a bottom in a scene can be particularly draining. As a bottom, you may experience long-lasting adrenaline surges as your fight-or-flight reflexes are triggered over and over again. This sustained stimulation can lead to an almost trance-like state, in which euphoria floods your system and pain is minimized. Some bottoms have described feeling detached from their bodies or as if they were watching themselves from a distance.

While this can be conducive to a satisfying scene, the body must eventually start to recover from the strong physical responses. It is at this point that the sub may begin to feel bone-numbing exhaustion set in, as well confusion and incoherence. A good top will end the scene before this point. Continuing on past the sub's exhaustion and incoherence may result in actions that are nonconsensual.

Simply ending play won't necessarily forestall this drop in emotional and physical well-being, however -- for many subs it will occur regardless of what is going on outside. However, giving the sub time and space to process these potential negative feelings is very important.

MINIMIZING THE DROP

The best cure for sub-drop or top-drop is simply waiting it out -- knowing that it will fade in a day or two. If you know what is happening to you, and that it will end, you will be less likely to work yourself up into a panic or vow never to play again.

Open communication, support and affection are also good antidotes to the drop. Both sub and master or mistress should be able to talk openly with their partner about how they are feeling. If you don't feel comfortable talking with your play partner (you don't know them well, it was an anonymous encounter, it would break your domme/sub role and you are a 24/7 player, etc.), then make an effort to find a kinky friend who will give you support and encouragement.

If you are on the receiving end of this communication, don't try to "fix" things or give advice. Just validate your friend's feelings and tell them that you are there for them no matter what. You can help assuage feelings of guilt by being positive about their experience -- "you did WHAT? Eeew, that's so gross!" is not a constructive comment.

Take care of yourself during the drop. Eat delicious, healthy meals; get enough sleep; get out of the house and exercise, and be gentle with yourself. Identify and throw out any negative self-talk ("I'm so crazy for liking this;" "God hates me," etc.), and instead tell yourself how strong and brave you are for making it through the scene. If you need distance from your play partner, from the BDSM scene itself or BDSM-related books, videos, etc., that is perfectly fine. Let yourself return to it naturally when you feel like it.

Armed with the knowledge that what you are going through is normal, natural, and limited in duration, you can make it through to play again. Over time, you may find that this reaction diminishes and eventually stop occurring. Just give yourself the rest, affection and encouragement that you rightly deserve, and you'll come out of it feeling fine.