Dear Dom: Role or Play?

Dear BaadMaster: I am a very switchy young, female fetish player. I am very attracted to this ultra-serious female Domme. I say that all of this Mistress/slave stuff she talks about is just role-play. She says it is more than just role-play and is a life choice. Who is right and will this difference of opinion doom our relationship? We play great; she is even willing to switch a little bit in play. But we do spend a lot of time “discussing” this topic. Help!!!

From a strictly philosophical point of view, both of you are right. After all, it can be argued that all of life is simply an exercise in different levels of role-play. In our lifestyle, the choices range all the way from a couple of hours of light role-play at a dungeon party, all the way to a serious 24/7 TPE Mistress/slave relationship. Even if the partners take their Mistress/slave relationship to the extreme, where it is integrated into every aspect of their lives, it can still be classified as role-play, albeit one taken to its logical and emotional conclusion. After all, neither party was born into this arrangement. Mistress/slave is an adopted set of rules and protocols that very well might have started out as role-play. I personally have met many serious D/s practitioners who started out as Masters, Mistresses and slaves in online role-play situations. After all, where better to get a feel for Dominance and submission and its relevant customs than online? So, rather than spend time debating what is role-play and what is not, let’s just say that your Mistress is involved in a role-play that affects her in a very deep and personal way. Although this is simply my opinion, I think it can help you to see the D/s and BDSM lifestyle as a continuum of different levels of role-play, ranging from light to heavy. Don’t forget, being a “slave” is really a role. One cannot legally become a slave and is free to leave at any time. It might be a role that one can take very seriously, but it is a role nevertheless.

The key, as in all relationships, is to look at the glass as being half-full rather than half-empty. I know this is a cliché. But, it would not have lasted as a cliché if it weren’t true. In your case, you play great together. That should be the golden anchor in your union. The fact that you argue – or “discuss” – this role-play dispute should not cloud your bondage skies. Think of it like a political argument. There are many couples, from vanilla to BDSM, where the partners disagree politically but don’t let it spill over into their relationship. If you think of your differences of opinion in this way, you should not have any problems.

There is one aspect of your question which might help explain the reason why your think your dissimilarities might ruin your relationship. With so many new people entering “our” scene, there seems to be a clash between the “traditionalists” and the “modernists.” Although you did not say whether or not there is an age difference between you and your Domme, your basic conflict appears to be representative of what is now happening in our community. As we expand, and as more and more people incorporate BDSM, D/s and fetish play into their lives, there is bound to be a “generation gap” in this community – as happens to every multi-generational group of people. The newer members seem to be less into serious M/s and more into scening and role-play. They are often willing to switch, are less rigid and are more experimental in their tastes. This might be the root cause of your arguments and make you think your differences are greater than they really are.

If this is so, “half-full” is the way to see it. Your Domme should consider herself lucky to have an open-minded, adventurous, switchy slave; and you should be happy to have a traditional Domme who can teach you about that aspect of the lifestyle. The beauty of our community is that we can accept all philosophies, as long as the basic one, “safe, sane (debatable!) and consensual,” is the rule. There is much we can all learn from each other!

Play hard, play safe

BaadMaster

Dear Mistress Naia: I am a very switchy young, female fetish player. I am very attracted to this ultra-serious female Domme. I say that all of this Mistress/slave stuff she talks about is just role-play. She says it is more than just role-play and is a life choice. Who is right and will this difference of opinion doom our relationship? We play great; she is even willing to switch a little bit in play. But we do spend a lot of time “discussing” this topic. Help!!!

Switchy is as switchy does, as I’ve heard folks say. Madame ultra-serious is quite right, and so are you. As she has said, your role is a life choice. This goes for your role within your family, with your friends, in a romantic relationship, at work, and in regards to BDSM and other forms of play. You get to be who you decide you want to be. Plain and simple. So, for someone who feels that their identity is intimately connected with their position in the BDSM hierarchy, then that is a truth for them. If on the contrary they feel that trying on different roles, experiencing all sides of an every-changing, many-headed beast such as BDSM, then that is also a valid choice.

The very obvious example of this comes from the gay and transgender communities, where many of our traditions and practices have happily originated: Is sexual orientation and/or gender identity something you are born with? Is it nature or nurture? The same questions can address the question of role identity as well. But perhaps it’d be more accurate to say that this example is more akin to discussions that vanilla, heterosexual, uncomplicated folks have ABOUT those of us who are gay, bi, transgender, kinky, Domme, sub, or just complex creatures of any variety! Regardless, the answer is the same no matter who’s begging the question. It is what it is for you. It doesn’t matter what is true for someone else. Follow your own truth and you will always be right.

Not a bad topic for discussion, no. But potentially problematic for a relationship, quite possibly. Given that this seems to be an important topic for you both, either you can find some kind of common ground to build the relationship on, or it might not work out. But there are signs, even just from your question, that there is hope. The fact that you keep having this conversation means to me that: A) you know how to communicate with each other, even if it means revisiting the same topic over and over again, and B) you care enough about one another to want to impress your opinions upon each other. You are interested in what Madame Ultra-Serious has to say, and though she is a Domme and also happens to disagree with you, she in turn has given patience, time and energy to the discussion… and repeatedly. Not to mention switching for you on occasion. If that’s not proof of her interest in making it work with you, I don’t know what is!

Either you enjoy disagreeing about this, which can be fun in and of itself. Or, you really want to find a way to work it out. Both options sound good, and both are completely doable. All that’s required for the working-it-out version is to admit that your own truths do not outweigh the truths of your partner. In order for you to find switching appealing, natural and attainable, you do not need your Domme to also find this to be so. Similarly, you do not need to believe in your soul that you are a specific role innately, or that you must identify with one only, in order for that to be true for her.

Once you’ve agreed to differing philosophies on this, then the conflict only comes down to the tactical side of things. How will your play move forward given this difference? Probably you won’t develop a 24/7 D/s relationship, which wouldn’t allow you to switch. However you also probably won’t have the kind of true switch relationship that you’d have if you were partnered with another switch. You’ll have to find some kind of middle ground… something that most relationships aren’t unfamiliar with!

As BaadMaster has said, the glass can only be half-full. Just take a good look!

Be good.

-Naia