Dear Dom: In-dependence.

Dear Mistress Naia: About a year ago, I met the Dom of my dreams. He was so attentive and passionate, but he lived 3000 miles away! He couldn’t move because of his job, but I could. So after lots of anxiety over it, we decided I should relocate to where he lives. Now I’ve got my own place here, but I left my family and friends far away. I want my own life, but cling to my Dom because I’m lonely and in a new place. Is this ok? What else can I do?

It was a brave thing that you did, moving so far away from your safety net. It will require continued courage to make this new place your home, for however long you decide to stay. But bravery and courage are often words reserved for talking about conquering dangerous challenges or defeating threatening foes. In this case, it’s simply life that you’re achieving with your bravery. Life is made up of constant changes, combined with decisions about how you choose to spend each minute.

No decision you make as a human being is without value. So, no matter what, whether this move ends up being a choice you look back on with pride and thankfulness, your new life fulfilling and joyous, or whether the choice to be so far away from your family and friends becomes something you recognize as not the right path for you, you will have learned something about yourself that you couldn’t have otherwise learned in quite the same way.

What this means is that you are off the hook, in some respects. You get to congratulate yourself on taking a chance on something that seemed exciting to you: a new relationship, a new place, a fresh start perhaps. You get to embrace all of this newness, while also knowing that you don’t HAVE to stay if things don’t work out to your liking. You get to release yourself from worrying too much about whether the decision was right or wrong, and just be.

You are not off the hook, however, in terms of taking responsibility for your own happiness in this new environment. It doesn’t sound like you are in a 24/7 situation, given that you have your own place and seem to be striving for some independence in your new location. But outside of 24/7, there can be an endless number of variations on submission and for this I’ll assume it doesn’t play a huge role in your ability to develop relationships and experiences outside of your relationship with your Dom… So, assuming you’re allowed to, you absolutely must work on establishing your own set of activities, habits, and companions.

Having your Dom there as a home-base is invaluable. Enjoy him, and enjoy the ability to “cling” to him for solace from loneliness and fortification against fear. He can be your secret, lucky, magical elixir for the scarier parts of being someplace foreign to you. You know you won’t truly be alone, and you know that you have someone there that’s looking out for you. But you don’t want to turn a healthy D/s relationship into one of true dependence and detrimental neediness.

Regardless of the type of D/s, most reasonable Doms want their subs to be healthy, happy individuals. Subs should be loyal to their Masters and reliant on them for guidance and strength, but also able to stand on their own two feet.

It is impossible to truly serve your Master when you are unable to take care of your own basic needs, recognize when you need him and when you do not. In order to give the most of yourself to your Dom, there has to be something there to give. If you were to continue to rely solely on him for all of your emotional and social needs, your relationship with him would be negatively affected. Though it may sound like a recipe for great D/s… you really need him and he has all the knowledge of this new place… in reality, it’s a recipe for an imbalance that goes beyond power exchange.

This returns us back to the topic of choice. The joy of dominating someone is that, ultimately, they have a choice. The very idea of submitting wouldn’t exist if there was no other option. Submission means that you are choosing to need, to be taken care of, to bow your head and surrender to someone else’s will. Without this contrast at play behind the scenes, the sexiness and appeal of D/s would quickly die, and all that would be left would be true addiction, reliance, and slavery… none of which are what we’re after.

Be good.

-Naia

Dear BaadMaster: About a year ago, I met the Dom of my dreams. He was so attentive and passionate, but he lived 3000 miles away! He couldn’t move because of his job, but I could. So after lots of anxiety over it, we decided I should relocate to where he lives. Now I’ve got my own place here, but I left my family and friends far away. I want my own life, but cling to my Dom because I’m lonely and in a new place. Is this ok? What else can I do?

There is a great Steven Wright line, “You can’t have everything, where would you put it?” I am not being flip, but just about everything in life is a compromise. It can be a minor trade-off, such as when you buy the Wal-Mart brand instead of the famous one, or a major one, like yours in having to move away from your family to be with the “Dom of your dreams.”

When dealing with major compromises, you have to realize you would not have made the sacrifice if you did not think the result would be worth it. Finding “the Dom of your dreams” is a major achievement. I know far too many submissives who have spent years futilely trying to find their perfect Dominant. I do not think you fully appreciate the monumental achievement that finding you perfect Master is in this lifestyle. It is what the great majority of submissives strive for; the “Holy Grail” you might say. You should keep this in mind and consider yourself extremely privileged in this regard.

The key is to center yourself in the absolute correctness of your decision. It sounds like might be having second thoughts. If this is the case, second-guessing yourself can only have a deleterious effect on your relationship. And it is your relationship that you dropped all these other things for; it must be paramount.

What I suggest is that you treat the relationship portion of your life with 110% dedication. (It’s really 100% but the sports people perpetuate this concept!) Strive to make your Dom/sub relationship as rock solid as you possibly can. Because if it deteriorates, you have spent all this time and effort in moving 3000 miles for nothing. Your Dom and your bond with him must supersede all else. Don’t doubt yourself; don’t get down because there are certain inherent problems with being so far away from your family and friends. People move all the time. It might be stressful and even terrifying, but you are not alone. You have your Dom.

I might add that you should not think of yourself as “clinging” to your Dom. You are with him. He is your new family. Think of your dependence on him as being a natural consequence of being in a relationship – especially a D/s one. He can be your guide, mentor, friend, and adviser. You should tell him about your feelings regarding the family and friends you left behind. Perhaps you can work on this together.

The beauty of family and friends is that they are family and friends no matter how far apart you are. If you are honest with them, as you should be, they can also be a source of strength. If you tell them that you are happy with your new boyfriend (if you need to speak vanilla to them), they will be glad for you. They will, more than likely, make an extra effort to talk on the phone or email you. It is not as though you left to live in Antarctica.

Keeping an open dialogue with your Dom, your family and your friends will ease the emotional and physical transition into your new surroundings. Don’t expect to assimilate such a shock instantaneously. You are being too hard on yourself. It takes time.

And, if you need a quick pick-me-up, just glance at the profiles here on bondage.com. There are so many submissives looking for their “dream Dom” you could fill a thick book. The fortunate ones will find that perfect match. And as long as you and your Dom can maintain a great relationship, which sounds likely based on your question, you are one of the lucky ones. Don’t ever forget that!

Play hard, play safe

BaadMaster