Dear Dom: Newbie? Poly? Sadist? Oh My!

Dear BaadMaster: I am a female submissive, relatively new, who has met a Domme who I fell for. She claims to be a sadist and is into single tails, canes and high protocol. I am very afraid of where this could lead, but I am terrified of “topping from the bottom” and incurring her wrath. She also has another female slave, and that bothers me. How should I approach this? I am very confused. Any advice?

Relationships, especially those that start with an initial chemistry, are often like a ship on the ocean. It can be very hard to navigate the waters that are filled with conflicting desires, fears and expectations. My suggestion would be to not try to plot your approach like a political campaign; rather, you should settle on a few rock solid principles that will guide you and make your choices easier to make.

The most important principle should be honesty. Since your Domme is a sadist, you should tell her straight away that you are unsure whether you are a masochist or not. You cannot promise that you will be able to take her canings for one simple reason – you simply don’t know at this point. Since she knows you are relatively new, this will come as no surprise to her. I think you might be underestimating your Domme’s abilities. She, as an experienced sadist, will know that you are a newbie and that your masochistic side is still a question mark. Trying to pretend to be an experienced masochist, rather than telling her that you are an unsure newbie, is the one way to “incur her wrath.” She will, without a doubt, know when you are lying. Telling the truth is the best way to enter her world of sado-masochism. It is best you maintain her respect and don’t try to “fool her.” Believe me, you won’t fool her.

As to “topping from the bottom, you really have no fear. In order to bottom-top, you have to know what you want. In your case, you are still in the experimental stage of your BDSM journey; all you need is a safe word to allay your fears. More than likely, she will instinctively know that you will feel most comfortable with a safe word. If she doesn’t mention it, respectfully ask her about it. If she says she does not believe in one, she just might not be the Domme for a newbie. Remember, this is a fresh relationship. Only time will tell if you are a match. Just go with her flow and see where it leads. More than likely, she will know where to take you.

The “two slave” situation is a bit more of a red flag than your fear of a sadist. The latter concerns play compatibility; the former gets to the heart of relationship fulfillment. The two of you can adjust your sado-masochistic play to be exciting; but, if you hate the idea of a second slave, there is not much that can be done about it. Human nature is human nature; it rarely can be changed to any great degree. Poly requires people of a certain temperament; if you are not of that bent, chances are it will not work. As one who has attempted poly without long-term success, I always say that if a slave does not truly desire poly, he/she will not be able to change her basic nature enough to do it on a long-term basis.

With regard to this issue, you have to look inside yourself and do some serious soul-searching. Do you need one Domme who is yours and only yours? Does jealousy figure heavily into your basic personality? Are you unwilling to accept another slave? If the answers to these questions were all in the affirmative, I would say that poly is not for you.

My best advice would be that you should play with this Domme and learn about your masochistic abilities. She can teach you a lot. But, if the idea of having a Domme who has more than one slave truly rankles you, then keep your emotional distance. Because it will, more than likely, not work out for you.

Play hard, play safe

BaadMaster

Dear Mistress Naia: I am a female submissive, relatively new, who has met a Domme who I fell for. She claims to be a sadist and is into single tails, canes and high protocol. I am very afraid of where this could lead, but I am terrified of “topping from the bottom” and incurring her wrath. She also has another female slave, and that bothers me. How should I approach this? I am very confused. Any advice?

I agree with BaadMaster that it may be too hard in this stage of the game to map out an exact course for this journey. Simply make the best decisions you can as you go by being honest with yourself and your Domme about who you are and what you want. If you don’t know, be open about that too. There’s nothing more attractive than someone who’s confident about what it takes to make them happy and firm in the boundaries they’re unwilling to cross. Once you commit yourself to respecting your own needs, you’ll be a much better partner – and submissive!

Don’t concern yourself with Topping from the bottom. That’s like being afraid to walk past a bank for fear you’ll suddenly rob the place. If you enjoy submission, respect your Domme and show loyalty and obedience, you’ll be fine. Only good things will come from also respecting yourself, showing loyalty to your own needs, and communicating honestly with your Domme. In return, a good Domme will do the same.

Good Dommes come in many flavors. But one thing is certain: Dominating does not include disrespecting the sub’s humanity. Sure, it can be fun to act “disrespectful” to a sub for humiliation play, during training, or whenever a strong hand is needed. But all of these take into consideration the inalienable truths about a sub’s needs, boundaries, feelings, sensitivities, etc. When we talk about healthcare before, during and after play… our safe, sane and consensual motto… these refer not just to physical safety, but also emotional safety. They require the Domme to be aware of the sub’s feelings, which mean it’s your responsibility to share.

Being new means some obvious things to your Domme. She’ll want to go slowly as you learn about boundaries, likes and dislikes. It’ll help if you tell her about your experiences. If she doesn’t check-in first, politely ask for her preference on how to give feedback. Being integral to your BDSM growth is part of the fun for her, and the experience will have a lasting effect on you both – work together to make that effect a good one.

As for the severity of her play and protocol, it’s pretty simple. If she’s impatient for you to be on her level and doesn’t respect your newbie-ness, it’s a no-brainer: this isn’t a good match. There are plenty of Dommes who’d love a respectful, obedient sub who’s honest about figuring out her S&M taste at a reasonable pace. Don’t expect your Domme to just sit and hold your hand, whispering sweet nothings and expecting no challenging play in return. There needs to be a balance.

When it comes to poly, there’s a whole lot to say but an easy way of summing it up: Do you share well? If not, forget it. Even if you do, it’ll be challenging. Communication is the cure for most things, but with polyamory, communication isn’t just a good idea, it’s mandatory. Even then, you’ve probably got a 50-50 shot.

What’s your Domme’s stance on poly? Is it a priority? Something she’s experienced with? What’s the nature of her relationship with the other sub? Is it similar to her relationship with you? Do you want something more… something different? Does the gender of the other sub affect your feelings about this?

Clearly, there are many questions that only the two of you… or three of you… know the answers to. For this to work, you’ll need to have a frank discussion with your Domme about where she sees things going, and how you both would like them to proceed. Start by spending some time alone thinking through what you’d like to know, and ultimately what you’d like to have with you Domme. Make a list. Lists are good. Then request a sit-down and be specific about what you’d like to accomplish with the conversation.

Your Domme can direct this “meeting,” but regardless of who wears the strap-on in this scenario, you’ll both need to walk away with an actual agreement about whether poly will work… and if so, HOW!

Be good.

Naia