Dear Dom: "Hide and go Seek"

Dear Dom #167

“Hide and Go Seek”

Dear BaadMaster: My submissive expressed interest in being fisted while being blindfolded. As we’re both new to Dominance, I was wondering how to fist – and why she is combining it with being blindfolded? Although she is a newbie, I don’t want to embarrass myself, or worse, hurt her. Can you give me some pointers?

One style of play that is rarely discussed is the “combination” scene. One would think that there is an “only floggers allowed in a flogging scene” sign at the local dungeon. I often alternate between my hand, the flogger and the cane in a spanking scene. What your submissive has suggested is to combine sensory deprivation with fisting – an awesome combination. First let’s discuss the blindfold – an incredibly effective yet economical toy that every Dom should have in his bag of tricks.

By shutting off one of your senses, you automatically sensitize the other ones. When combining sensory deprivation with fisting, however, you should realize that it is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, the fisting sensation will be much more intense. On the other hand, you might find your submissive’s pain threshold might change – either higher or lower. Thus, you must be very aware of her physical and mental state. This is one scene where a safe word is essential. Now onto the hard part – the actual fisting.

First of all, unless the woman is a natural fistee – or has had prior fisting experience – don’t expect to do a complete fisting right off the bat. Before you begin, follow this pre-fisting “quick checklist.”

1. Cut and file your nails! This might seem obvious, but you would be surprised at how many Tops forget this detail. Personally, if I were fisting my submissive for the very first time, I would get a professional manicure with clear nail polish --the old “Mafia Manicure!”

2. Use latex gloves. When you fist, you can easily tear internal blood vessels. The uterus is a great environment for infection; here cleanliness is next to Godliness. Wash your hands before and after putting on the gloves with a liquid, antibacterial soap.

3. Don’t use any device that can hamper communication -- like a ball gag. Make sure you have a safe word. And a safe signal just in case the submissive cannot get the words out.

Now it’s time to get out the industrial drum of lube. This is a matter of personal preference, but I think the newer silicone-based lubes work best as they don’t dry out as fast as water-based lubricants. Don’t be stingy with the lube; use tons of it. Now, go slowly. Carefully dilate the opening. You can even use progressively larger dildos if that is your kink. But the key is to slowly dilate the orifice. Even if your hands are large, you should at least be able to get up to the knuckles vaginally.

Getting past the knuckles is the tricky part. Relaxation is the key here. Make sure your fist-side manner is such that the fistee relaxes. Deep, rhythmic breathing is helpful, if not essential. Since trust adds to relaxation, you might find you need a few sessions to build up the relaxation/trust aspect of your play. When you finally get five fingers inside and go past the knuckles, it is time to carefully curl your fingers into a fist. This should occur somewhat automatically.

Don’t be too rough to start out with, the sub’s screams of ecstasy notwithstanding. Communication is the key. Don’t wait around for her safe word if you think she is going past her limits. If you are attempting anal fisting, you should go slowly; it might take many sessions to successfully anal fist your slave. Remember, “He who fists and stops the play, lives to fist another day.”

Last but not least, make sure you comfort your submissive after the scene. Aftercare is not only physically necessary, but is also a great bonding experience that no good Dom should ever pass up – beginner or otherwise.

The work that fisting often requires can really be worth the effort. As one submissive told me, “There is nothing like being fisted while being blindfolded.”

Play hard, play safe

Baadmaster

Dear BaadMaster: My submissive expressed interest in being fisted while being blindfolded. As we’re both new to Dominance, I was wondering how to fist – and why she is combining it with being blindfolded? Although she is a newbie, I don’t want to embarrass myself, or worse, hurt her. Can you give me some pointers?

Blindfolds and fist are “Two great tastes that taste great together,” as the peanut-butter-cup enthusiast in me would like to point out. (And no, I don’t mean there’s actually someone in me!)

Using blindfolds or other forms of sensory deprivation is an easy way to change your routine, spruce up your play, and turn any run-of-the-mill scene into something better. Sensory deprivation is the bedazzler of BDSM… it’s like putting the jingle in jingle bells, the sparkle in sparklers, the fortune in fortune cookies. Do I like sensory deprivation? Why yes, yes I do.

But as BaadMaster has said, removing a sighted-person’s vision can result in a number of reactions that you might not expect—the person often becomes disoriented pretty quickly, and can be scared or confused quite easily. Once the blindfolded person is able to relax and adjust to being blindfolded, their other senses may kick in and overcompensate for the loss of sight, leading to extra sensitivity.

Given all that, it’s important to prepare your sub for what’s to come, especially if you’ve never played with sensory deprivation before. Equally as important is how you prepare yourself. As with your first time trying any BDSM practice, don’t wing it. Blindfold yourself, or have a friend blindfold you, well before you put your sub in one. See how it makes you feel, and take notes on how your other senses treat you without the use of your eyesight. If you’re amenable to switching at all, it’d be ideal to have someone else pseudo-Top you while blindfolded to get the full effect. This doesn’t have to be a real scene, but the best Doms are willing to do a little hands-on research to perfect their skills.

When you’re ready to start your sensory deprivation play, tell your sub what you’re going to do, and that you require her to give you feedback throughout the experience. Establish a safeword if you don’t have one already, or remind each other of your existing one. Check in regularly while she’s blindfolded, so you get verbal confirmation about her experience—in addition to just moans and grunts, which may mean she’s enjoying the scene but doesn’t mean she’s not freaking out in other ways.

If you’re worried about your sub freaking out at all, or if she starts to at any point, calm her by continuing to talk to her throughout the scene. Running narration will help remind her brain that she is not alone, even though she can’t see, and will give her something to focus on. Playing soothing music in the background may also help… which leads me quite smoothly right into fisting. (I’m just full of double entendre today.)

The same techniques you use to keep your sub feeling safe, calm, and comforted while blindfolded can be used to start helping her relax before and during your attempts at fisting. And when I say “attempts,” that’s exactly what I mean. Be careful not to set unrealistic expectations for yourselves. For many women, vaginal fisting is something that can take more time than you’d expect, and the last thing your sub’s vaginal muscles need is a feeling of urgency or stress to “get it done.” Your sub may seem relaxed, or even say that she’s relaxed, but once all the attention (and work) goes to her vag, it can be challenging to keep those muscles from tensing.

Talk soothingly. Play music. Take your time. Remind her that you have all the time in the world. Be gentle. Massage her vagina, and anywhere else you can reach. Arousing her nipples and clit during the experience will add to the lubrication and may encourage her muscles to relax further. Follow BaadMaster’s three essentials: Clip nails, clean and latex hands, keep communication open. Don’t make any sudden movements—before, during, or after. Don’t forget that exiting is just as delicate as entering!!

Whether you’re entirely “successful” at fisting, or whether it’s just a first attempt, the experience is an extremely intimate one that should be sensual and memorable for both of you. Remember, being blindfolded adds to your sub’s vulnerability, and being fisted may make her feel more vulnerable than she’s ever felt before… This is an opportunity for you to share something special with one another.

Be good.

-Naia