Baadmaster Special: Dungeons, Balls, and Socials

The problem with trying to meet fellow BDSM enthusiasts real time is that you cannot simply approach a person at a vanilla bar and ask, “Do you like being flogged?” At best, you will get a puzzled look. At worst, you will be asked to leave the bar! Thus, real time BDSM meetings tend to be limited to dungeons, bondage balls, BDSM socials and the like. Let’s examine the pros and cons of each and detail the etiquette required at each.

DUNGEONS

Every major city has a dungeon; many have more than one. Most are operated by BDSM enthusiasts whose motivation is less about making a financial killing than providing a safe environment for BDSM enthusiasts. In Los Angeles, the best example of this type of dungeon is Lair DeSade. (LairDeSade.com). Arguably one of the finest facilities in Southern California, it is owned by bondage.com member MasterKane and his slave Careena. Like many other dungeons, Lair deSade hosts weekly play parties and other educational and social events where people can meet and mingle. You can conveniently get together with fellow kinksters at these types of events; it sure saves a lot of typing time.

All dungeons have very specific codes of etiquette. One rule that is universal is the “rule of consent.” Just because a person is submissive – or even naked – doesn’t mean that he/she must defer to any Dominant. Permission for anything, from simple touching to bondage play, must be asked for and granted by the submissive. (Or by the submissive’s Dominant, if that is their protocol.) A good strategy for the submissive who has a Dom/Domme is to refer all questions of play and protocol to her/his Dominant, The Dom/me can then negotiate the scene and supervise any preparations. If you are a single submissive, you always have the right to say “no.” Always. No exceptions. Ever.

The “don’t touch without permission” rule also applies to personal toys, such as whips and floggers. The dungeon’s furniture, such as the St. Andrews Cross, is available to all; usually on a first come, first play basis. Don’t forget to clean the equipment after your scene.

Each dungeon also has its own “house rules.” No smoking is fairly common, as is no alcohol. (It is not a good idea to drink and play.) Some activities, such as fire play and blood play, often require permission of the host. Wax play, because it is so messy, might be prohibited. There is also a house safe word, which is usually “red.” If you are unsure about any rules, ask the host or a Dungeon Monitor.

Most dungeons have some type of regularly scheduled “meet and greets.” But, outside of these events, most play party attendees seem to be coupled off. And, the guests here tend to be those with D/s interests. If you are simply concerned about indulging your fetishes and are not looking for a Dom/me or a submissive, the Bondage/Fetish Balls might be better suited to your needs.

BONDAGE BALLS

In most major cities, there are theatre-sized events typically called “balls.” These are not play parties; they are more like dance club meets fetish party meets martini bar. As opposed to the D/s players that dominate the dungeon parties, these fetish balls attract a very diverse crowd that encompasses just about every perversion imaginable. These are not play parties, although there might be some bondage demos. Most attendees are dressed to the nines, fetish-wise. In Los Angeles, there are the wildly popular Hollywood Bondage Balls. (Bondageball.com). Held every three months, with the next one on July 3rd at the Henry Fonda Theater (imagine that!), these Bondage Balls attract thousands of fetish players from across the nation.

Bondage/Fetish Balls are a great place to meet fellow lifestylers. The best aspect of these events is that you have a large variety of lifestylers whom you can meet in a kink-friendly environment. And, the etiquette at these balls is looser than at a dungeon affair. Bring your dancing shoes along with your hottest fetish clothes and just have a “ball.” After all, that is what they are called!

SOCIALS

There is yet another way to connect with others in the BDSM world. Called socials or munches, these are get-togethers that are typically held at vanilla venues. No collars, leashes or spankings are allowed here. These appear, to the outside world, like any other vanilla brunch or karaoke bar gathering. Every major city has at least one BDSM social or munch every month. The best aspect of these socials is that they are localized; here you will meet people who are usually proximate to you. These are low-key events, usually held after work where you can unwind with fellow lifestylers in a pressure-free environment. There are very few rules here other than be polite and don’t chew with your mouth open.

These are the three major offline places to meet. Adding in the online possibilities, you have many opportunities to find like-minded BDSM practitioners. And, it sure is better than walking up to a girl at a bar and asking, “Do you like being fisted?”