A few weeks ago, while hiking, I clumsily fell down a hill and, as fate would have it, landed smack dab in the largest poison ivy bush I believe exists. Talk about your shitty luck. Anyway, because I was only wearing jogging shorts at the time, and no underwear (God, I am stupid!), every inch, and I do mean EVERY INCH of my body was affected by this damn poison ivy rash. At first I thought calamine lotion would do the trick, but the incessant itching was driving me crazy. When I went to my doctor, he suggested that I check into the hospital for a few days for a special treatment that should help. Little did I realize what that treatment was going to be all about.

When I first arrived in my room, Suzanne, my very very attractive auburn-haired nurse, instructed me that for the duration of my treatment I would have to refrain...

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