Illuminations: The Collar... BDSM Symbolism and Personal Meaning

Before we ever find the nerve to look for it, those of us interested in relationships based on power exchange... man, woman, dominant and submissive alike will spend months, if not years fantasizing and reading about the experience of others. In our mind we think about what it would be like... what it would feel like to really experience it. Finally, with our own agenda’s we begin the search for others with like minded interests. It seems it is a candy store. There is a huge variety of people to choose from and we find people with who mutual attraction is evident. The dance of dominance and submission begins with the first whispered order and the immediate willing breathless obedience that follows. It feels just as intense as you knew it would. You are hooked and you want more. Both, finally experiencing the inner thrill of how it feels to obey, and be obeyed. It is just as intense as you knew it would be and with that comes the heady realization that your future will embrace a relationship in power exchange.

We each search for that mirror image of our own needs. At times, the mirror image of perfection is illusive but its dream is powerful enough to sustain the search through the many starts and stops. We come out of relationships with a slightly clearer image of what perfection will look and feel like. Our understanding of ourselves and our own needs become a little clearer. Most people hungry for the experience of a deep and caring relationship with its base in power exchange will experience more than one beginning and end before they arrive in the place that feels right to them.

When we finally do find that match it feels breathless and exciting. It is the same as when a girl meets a boy and they decide to be boyfriend and girlfriend but with a simplifying twist. Right from the start the place of both partners is known. This Russian roulette part of vanilla relationships can be skipped. You do not have silent passive aggressive battles over who will be in charge of what. You have one in control, and that one will call the shots. As with all relationships the test of time will either dissolve it or elevate it to other levels. It is with these levels of progress that collars are introduced into the BDSM relationship. It is the way with which we acknowledge and honor our relationships in power exchange.

The meaning of a collar worn in a BDSM relationship is heavily dependent on the nature of the relationship between the parties involved. There is a vast diversity on the meaning of collars. Collars can be given for many different reasons. Some are given as a symbol of protection for a submissive for various reasons. Play collars are often used in scenes. They are put on just before the commencement of a scene and taken off immediately afterwards. The collar does not mean exactly the same thing to everyone. Because the meaning of collars can vary significantly enough it is important that the two parties involved in the giving of a collar understand each other and have the same level of expectation for the collars significance. It can lead to heartbreak and disillusionment when Dominant and submissive are not on the same page concerning the significance of the collar and the meaning it will impart on their relationship.

To hard core BDSMers the collar signifies possession, and belonging. There are three levels of the collar which are acknowledged.

The first is the collar of consideration. This collar is usually the first offered in a new relationship where two people find they are getting along well and enjoy each others company. It is a collar utilized that suggests the couple feels as though they are onto something good. The appearance of this collar means a progression of the relationship beyond that of kinky play partners. It means the people involved are working on building a relationship in power exchange that has a deeper and more personal meaning emotionally. A good comparison in the vanilla world of this collar would be the promise ring. The collar of consideration represents feelings of intense attraction and affection. It represents the desire to have a sense of "belonging", or "possession". Time spent in this collar is time spent getting to know each other in many ways. Their BDSM life intersects with the vanilla world when they begin to develop interests outside of kinky ones together.

The second level of the collar is the training collar. The training collar tells others that the Dominant and submissive feel they are successfully bonding and moving into a deeper understanding of each other with their eye on the future. This collar can be equated in the vanilla world to that of an engagement ring. But the interaction between Dominant and submissive become more focused. The submissive typically enters a more structured interaction at this point. Expectations become more intense, and discipline may become more severe.

With the training collar both the dominant and submissive have more responsibility. It is a symbol of a progressing relationship which is a happy thing, but with that also comes increased pressure and stresses. Submissives may act out due to internal conflicts of commitment, submission, and giving up control. Giving up control is a progressive thing and is to be expected in these relationships but it is unnatural and hard to get used to.

Dominants may feel pressures of excessive responsibility and for a time resentment. There is generally at this point a restriction in the exploration of others due to the commitment represented by the collar. In same cases this may cause conflict between the couple due to how each perceive their responsibilities which come with the collar. Often, it is this middle ground of the relationship when its ability to endure is probably most tested.

The third level of the collar is termed by some as the formal collar and represents real commitments between the dominant and submissive and can be equated to a wedding ring. It represents for most love, respect and a need to make more permanent commitments to one another. The acceptance of this collar by a submissive signals a desire to submit to their dominant completely, and forever. The offering of this collar by the dominant signifies his willingness to accept and return that love and commitment with eyes on the long term future of the relationship. For some people this collar may also be offered in conjunction with a proposal of marriage.

Collars come in all shapes and sizes. A collar is a physical symbol, a reminder of the bond and commitment the Dominant and submissive have made to each other. The form the physical collar takes varies depending on the needs of the one wearing it. Many couples have collars to be worn in private time, and others to be worn in public. For most couples who have collared it is important that some representation of the collar is always displayed on the submissive when outside the home and in public.

A collar in whatever form it takes be it chains, leather, or steel forms a circle. To me that circle is indicative of a Dominants ring of protection. Within the circle is where the submissive will grow in service and commitment to their Dominant. If it feels right and both parties have the same level of commitment and expectations line up nicely, a collar can be psychologically liberating. Many submissives romanticize the idea of feeling safe enough to allow a Master to lay her open, bare her soul, see through her so completely that the boundaries of where one ends and the other begins blur and run together.

Allowing your self this kind of transparency is a hard thing to do, especially if you have tried it in your past and felt hurt and burned because the commitment of one to the other was not the same, or simply didn’t survive the test of time. I interacted with more than one man in my search for a Master who expected me to open and be vulnerable to him with nothing given in return except pure physical and sexual control. I wanted to feel submission bad enough I was willing to accept what was available at times. I was playful and flirty and I could let them make me vulnerable physically but if I started feeling emotionally vulnerable I would lash out and potential relationships ended rather quickly.

I romanticized the idea of giving everything of me to someone with nothing but the promise of pure sexual and physical control in return. Well, this idea certainly fed the masochistic submissive in me but it left the woman in me feeling disappointed, hurt, and hungry. Through the experience of how being "used" made me feel I came to understand that for the submissive side of me to fully develop I could not ignore the needs of the complex woman I was. I needed more. It was a comforting and at the same time sad realization. I understood that I would not allow myself to become vulnerable just for the sexual and physical thrill of it. I knew that to experience the submission and masochism on the level that I longed to experience it from I would need a partner who was willing to make a larger investment.

For me to feel what I longed to feel I knew that I would need someone just as committed.

I spent my own amount of time searching. I experienced more than one beginning and end and kept telling myself these experiences were necessary events to move me down the path I was meant to be on. I met him on bondage.com actually. We talked for a couple weeks and then took the time to have a cup of coffee face to face. The relationship seemed to build itself from that point on. He made it perfectly clear that any sexual relationship for us, if there was to ever be one would be a long time in coming. This surprised me. I had been used to Dominant men who could and would control absolutely everything else but their penises. He was so easy to submit to. He was exciting and sexy and I looked forward to every new encounter with him. At first it was only light bondage, and over time it progressed to heavier play. We started off slowly. The first time he ever exhibited any physical control over me was when we were sitting in a public flower garden. Under the canopy of a huge old tree he pulled a bandana between my teeth and knotted it in the back of my head under my hair. I will never forget the way his hands shook as he stroked my hair and looked down at my face adorned with his makeshift gag. Its simplicity was very powerful and marked us both deeply.

We had no guests there to witness it. It was a private time between he and I... the only two in the union that mattered to us. With his own hands he tooled the collar of soft black leather. On it he placed D rings and a silver plate inscribed with our names. I kneeled and bowed my head so that he could fasten it around my neck. With the closing of the buckle on my collar came the sense that finally I was safe. Today a metal plate carries the inscription "Heart. Body. Mind. Soul." My dream come true... a Master. Mine.

I have been in his collar for four years now. I am happy and content. Being a collared submissive isn’t easy. It takes work to be vulnerable. It takes effort and guts to be honest with him about things that may be happening in our relationship that make me feel less than happy... but he always listens. That is perhaps the most wonderful thing of all... he listens.

My collar is a symbol of the implicit trust I feel for him. In his collar I feel secure, and safe. I believe to the core of me that he will always do what is best for me and protect me to the very best of his ability. He is the one person in this entire world that will ever see me with all the barriers down because I know he will never use it against me. The collar I wear is a symbol of the implicit trust I have in him. It is a heady experience when you trust someone enough to be able to say... "Yes Master... even with my life".