Illuminations: Something More Deliberate

While the average age of women in the BDSM community is slowly getting younger the majority are 30+. I don’t believe this to be true because younger people are not interested; quiet the opposite in fact... But for older people there is more time, and resources that can be spent on themselves. Careers have been established and children are older and not in need of constant supervision and she has the time to spend doing things she wants to do outside of her family life or career.

It is also an unfortunate fact that in the early thirties women are becoming divorced for the first time and finding themselves on a search to define who they are outside of being the other half of a couple. Many will begin to search for compatible companions to grow with and experience the spices life has to offer which had been unreachable for her before. Statistically it is said that the older a woman is the harder it will be for her to find a mate for life. Add to this the addition of interests which are out of the norm and the likelihood of a woman finding that perfect companion is more compromised.

Many women do not know how to approach an existing partner or new ones with honesty concerning their desires for BDSM no matter the direction. Many feel intimidated by the idea of speaking about desires which are not of the main stream with either existing partners or new ones for fear of not being understood and accepted or being out right rejected. Many may find themselves in established relationships before they reach a place in their lives where they can be honest enough with themselves about what it is they desire to enable them to consider opening those secret doors for partners already in place in their lives or new ones coming in.

Many people find it is not until they are older that they are able to examine honestly deep dark fantasies and feelings which had been there for many years without feeling the intense shame they felt in earlier years which caused them to keep quiet and hide this part of their personalities. Life tends to toughen people up.

For me personally, I felt disgust with myself when I was younger because of some of the things that aroused me. With that disgust came shame that caused me to keep powerful fantasies hidden from people around me including intimate partners. I knew how palpable the disgust for myself was due to these secret desires I had... and I couldn’t bare the idea of people who knew me as a person, who I was and what I did... and feeling that same disgust... so I didn’t talk. It was the seasoning of life that gave me the ability to eventually accept myself and share my submissive masochistic nature openly and without shame with people who accepted me.

Let’s face it... it takes guts still today for a woman to readily reach for something more than the missionary position. It is easier for women to reach for their own sexual satisfaction but there are still stereotypes which intimidate many into denying inner desires for fear of being looked at with disapproval from those around her. Most often by the time women reach their 30s they have learned to perhaps care a little less about what people may think and not let the fear of it prevent her from seeking her hearts desires. I think it is for this reason that most women in the BDSM scene are in their 30s and older..... It is at this time in their lives where it matters more to them what they need than what those around her will think about what her needs are.

Sometimes, it may be the conditions of their life which bring the shameful even frightening feelings of past fantasies to the forefront. As time goes by, vanilla sex becomes a bit rudimentary and the longing for something that brings back the intensity that sex had in their younger lives becomes undeniable. With maturity, a thing they wanted to try but were too afraid to ask for from their partners becomes just a little easier to ask for without shame or embarrassment.

By the time women find the words on this site most have got a pretty good idea that their sexual responses to certain kinds of stimuli is a little different than that of most their friends. They may not really think of their desires as being fetishistic in nature but still... different. It is on sites like these where people are able to read the words of others who have traveled the road before them and take from their experiences a knowledge and understanding which make it just a little easier to be honest with themselves and move forward in finding what it is they need.

Due to the vast amount of information available for people to find and read in privacy and without fear of being discovered via the internet, and the networks and communities available for people to participate in within the privacy of their homes ... the ground is being prepared for them, and sometimes I think it is just a little easier to tread. For many older members of the fetish community they found outlets for their needs often times by chance or by taking big chances and reaching out to people in clubs, or adult movie houses and book stores. Older members of our community tend to also be much more careful about what they say and to who while those of the younger BDSM crowd have no problem with walking out of their houses dressed in leather and chains for a night out on the town and not always in a fetish club.

Society itself is changing the definitions of what is acceptable. For older members of the community the struggle to accept themselves came at a higher price than for those of the younger generation because the great network of the internet was not there to break the wake for older members of the community as often times it is today. So often times coming to that place of acceptance comes at a lesser price and sometimes just a little easier... though not always.

One of the strongest of natural forces is that of sexual need... with maturity and the desire to truly seek what one needs within the fetish world it is not always so much about raging hormones and the need to just do it (though that need can still take over at times) but instead about finding something deeper and more emotional. Urgency is replaced with something more deliberate and meaningful when need is coupled with desire that has somehow managed to validate and justify itself... and on the off chance that need finds its perfect mate... the rest can one day be erotic history.

Life is fragile .... Cherish today.