Illuminations: Play Parties for Beginners

BDSM gatherings come in all shapes and sizes. Public play parties, BDSM conferences, and classes give people all around the world a chance to meet and interact with others who share their interests.

Most of the big events offer a choice of activities, because they to cater to a large, diverse group of people. These events are often widely publicized and held in public spaces. Because of the public venue, the organizers will distribute lists of rules of conduct addressing nudity and sexuality that must be observed in order for the gathering to remain within the local law.

Huge gatherings are not appealing to everyone. The first big gathering I went to was in a public dungeon in Dallas, Texas. It was an event that was attended by about 200 other people. While the ability to get lost in the crowd was somewhat comforting, I found it was far to easy to do. As a result, I didn’t really meet others that night. Most people were there with someone and were familiar with the facility. I got the impression they came with an agenda of what they wanted to do. There were different play stations set up; some had others waiting to use them when they were vacated. While I saw some interesting things as an observer, I failed to connect with anyone at all because people were busy doing what they came to do.

I have found it more to my liking to attend smaller, more intimate parties with groups of 30 to 40 people held in nonpublic spaces. At these parties, I feel most at ease being around and with others involved in BDSM. The private parties also have different play stations set up for party goers to use, as well as areas where you can sit to converse with others away from the sounds of people at play. The rules vary according to the owner’s preferences. These smaller parties feel more intimate and personal and give you the chance to talk to and connect with other people more easily.

In my experience, the rules of dress and behavior at smaller parties are different from those at big public parties. Most parties held in private homes allow penetration as well as total nudity. One group in my area arranges monthly parties held in different places all over the city, almost always in private homes. The fact that it is private allows the rules to be more lenient than those of a public play space or facility.

Both settings, big and small, have something to offer. One is not better than the other; it only depends on what best suits your own needs. You can even experience both. Just go prepared. Talk to organizers and find out about their rules of conduct. Be prepared to be courteous and open-minded to the wide variety of people you will undoubtedly come into contact with. Not everyone will be appealing to you, but I dare say all are interesting.

When you go to any event, public or private, be sure to find out the rules. Will penetration be allowed? How about blood sports, fluid exchange, wax play, or watersports? Will nudity be allowed freely, only in selected areas, or not at all? You don’t want to be surprised when you get there and see people walking around with no clothes on.

You should also be aware that people are going to speak a bit more freely to others at these gatherings than they would with someone on the street. At a party where BDSM and sexuality are the focus points, almost everyone assumes that the other partygoers understand these special kinks. That shared understanding lets people talk openly about things they would never discuss in other circles.

Not everyone goes to a party to play. Many go to simply connect with other people with the same kind of interests and make friends. It is a safe bet that some people showed up just to socialize, network, and observe.

Many groups, large or small, offer the chance to learn by scheduling educational demonstrations to be held at some point during the party, usually before playtime begins. This may be one of the biggest advantages in finding and becoming a part of a group, be it large or small.

Even if the party does not include a formal class, once you meet and begin to socialize with others, you will learn where to go in your area to learn more about the things that interest you. Even the most seasoned of players take part in the chance to learn more. In fact, I find that the most experienced players attend the most educational events. Many of the things we do in the lifestyle are dangerous. The more people who learn to do things safely, the safer the community as a whole will be.

Many of the newcomers to BDSM have had their first exposure to it on the Internet. Although Bondage.com offers wonderful online resources, you’ll find your knowledge of BDSM growing when you begin to interact with others. There’s a difference between reading about proper flogging technique and wielding a flogger yourself—or feeling one on your back.

Another reason parties are great for newbies is that there is safety in numbers and in the open. In purely practical terms, the safest place to play with someone for the first time is at a public event with dungeon monitors, ideally with a partner who is well established in the community and has a reputation to lose. I never had the nerve to do this, so my first experiences were always very private, but for many people it is the safest way to get the feel for playing in the beginning.

One of the most important things to remember is that you will not be pressured to play at a party that is hosted by a reputable group. “No” still means “no.” Play is not a requirement to attend, and it is not a must to stay. People are welcome to come and watch. They are encouraged to play if they desire to do so but never forced or pressured into it.

Don’t worry just because you’re a newbie. The BDSM community is generally very open and welcoming to new people genuinely interested in the kink. Being exposed to people who have already learned some of the things that you aren’t sure of yet will help you to develop confidence and understanding of the complexities that exist in the BDSM community.

One thing I feel the need to stress: Don’t be surprised if you see something that totally enthralls you, or blows your mind. When you spend so much time and effort in defining your interest in BDSM and you finally get the chance to get out and see for yourself if your desire is real, it is kind of like being in a bubble.

I remember the very first scene that grabbed me and didn’t let go till it was over. It involved a cuffed and bound submissive dangling from upside down and naked. He was whipped with a single tail until he was bloody. His penis stayed hard the entire time. You could hear nothing more from him than very soft grunts as the leather tongue slashed out against his flesh again and again. I was mesmerized, I was aroused, I was envious as I watched her care for him when she let him down. I was almost breathless as I realized I was witnessing the real thing. And my desire to experience it myself grew stronger.