Illuminations: The digital BSDM connection

The unprecedented growth in the World Wide Web has led to drastic changes in many things we do. We can pay bills now without licking a stamp, we can shop ourselves into bankruptcy without leaving home, we can bank online, invest in the stock market online, date online, work online, network online -- the list goes on and on. Today, I am writing about another phenomenon of the online world... Online BDSM.

Picture this... you're in a little chatroom with other people... they type a message and send it to the room and you see it immediately... you type a message and send it to the room and they see your message almost immediately... because messages are sent and received so quickly IRC is said to be real time chat.

IRC (pronounced "eye are see") stands for Internet Relay Chat. While many sites offer chat rooms with all kinds of topics on the world wide web, the number of users is limited. IRC connects chat servers together to gain a much larger audience. Using IRC, people from around the world can join their local chat servers and talk to many other people who are using different servers across the globe. There are three major IRC networks and these are EFnet, Undernet, and DALnet.

Different people and organizations use this method of communication for varied reasons. During Desert Storm IRC was utilized to send out information about what was happening at given points of time in the war. Some companies use IRC to have meetings with employees around the world. Support groups for all kind of diseases, disorders, activities, and lifestyles can also be found there. When you break it down into its basic components IRC is a mode of communication used by people to get in touch with other people... enter BDSM.

Today, on any IRC network you can find channels devoted to BDSM in one form or another. There are channels for BDSM'ers of all orientations, be that homosexual, heterosexual, or bi-sexual. The one thread all these channels have in common is people seeking other people... interaction, communication, knowledge, advice, and just maybe a real life partner. BDSMnet, which is sponsored by bondage.com and handcuff.com, is focused on D/S and BDSM enthusiasts (you can join the chat at bondage.com).

The question arises: is IRC a good way to meet people and gather information about BDSM and D/s? The answer you will get to this question depends entirely on whom you ask. Some opinions on this issue state that IRC only attracts people with mental and emotional disturbances -- people with something to hide. I have read that IRC is full of dysfunctional pitiful people, who are obsessive and have no self control thus explaining why they spend so much of their time online, pretending to have lives, friendships and relationships, while they let their whole real world fall apart.

These conclusions are both extreme and bitter. Yes, there are obsessive people online. Yes, you will run across liars, cheats, and people with something hide. There are people online whose only motive is to cause trouble or grief for others around them. Mental and emotional stability is not a must for computer ownership, nor is respecting those with whom they interact. But, guess what? These kinds of people are a part of every population, every society, and every group of people you will ever consider being a part of. They are only a small part of society both online and offline.

The availability of information on the web and in newsgroups is causing more and more people to come to realize they may be interested in this alternative form of sexual, emotional, and personal expression. Some people feel their exploration of BDSM via chat enabled them to open up to the experience in their real life. Some claim it even enhanced their ability to be open and mature sexually. It is my opinion that online chat is a safe way to let the reigns on your mind go and safely explore what the experience might be like. Ever heard of "cybersex?"

Cybersex allows for the expression of sexuality/sensuality online. What does that mean? It means that in these little chatrooms, privately or with others present you can seduce one another via the typed word. Not everyone does it, not everyone enjoys it, and some think the idea is just downright silly. To enjoy such an interaction you have to be able and willing to let your imagination go. Some claim that while they don't feel the physical arousal, they do find an emotional arousal, therefore a kind of satisfaction in it. Almost everyone will agree that it generates real feelings, myself included.

A personal story: as I have already written, I spent many more years denying the wish to be dominated. It was not until I found IRC that I understood there were other people out there just like me. They had the same wishes, the same desires. It was a huge relief to know I was not alone. That meant so much to me.

Being a wet behind the ears "newbie" to online chat, I could have gotten myself in trouble because I didn't know the first thing about it. I was fortunate to meet a man in those early days who was honest and sincere, who had no desire to cause me any kind of harm and who took me under his protective wing, so to speak.

My online friend talked to me. He led me to different readings on the net, and books. He gave me the benefit of hearing his opinions and ideals about BDSM, more specifically D/s. His guidance in the cybersexual exploration of my fantasies and desires was instrumental in enabling me to see there was no shame in accepting these needs. With his assistance I was able to see below the surface to where the real beauty in sadomasochism and D/s lay. He became an integral part of my everyday life, I fell in love with him... and we never met.

People who have never chatted with others for any length of time see only that you type back and forth. Some never get to the point where they can feel and see that there really is another person sitting on the other side of that screen who is writing these words to you. IRC and other forms of online chat can be incredibly deceiving in this way: "What's the harm, it's only typing?" I am online on BDSMnet every day. I've talked to many who are just discovering online chat and come here seeking information. More than one person has admitted they thought it was just a game and nothing serious could possibly come of it. One thing I tell new people is: the worst mistake you can make is to underestimate the power of this medium. It can be a wonderful experience. If you don't handle it carefully and treat it with respect, it can leave you feeling empty, and frustrated...

I believe cyberspace and IRC should be treated as a bridge used to make connections from your world to that of others. Take advantage of the vast opportunities it presents. Let yourself learn from others and meet people with the same interests you have. You will find that, for the most part, people are genuine, straightforward, and willing to help those "wet behind the ear newbies" learn how to get along.

I'm not going to go into what types of chat rooms you should visit; I suggest that you wander around and, like a visitor to a vineyard, taste-test. If one particular room doesn't suit your needs or desires, that's ok, there will be another one around the next click. Just remember to let love be your road map, and common sense be your guide.