Bondage Forums

Brutal, mean and domineering people are people who, imho, have no room for love, tenderness, and caring in their hearts.

I become “super-submissive woman” with calmly spoken words, behind which I hear affection and caring. He can pretty much do anything he wants to me – including humiliating and brutalizing me, if I KNOW that the respect, tenderness and concern for my well-being are there.

The one who is brutal or tries to domineer (not Dominate) me, or is mean or manipulative – gets to see me walking out the door or worse, gets to defend himself from the not-so-submissive bitch who stays to fight.

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Infatuation:
I just think that some women prefer the "caveman approach" while other's prefer the "starship captain" approach.

As to the brutality & meanness subject: I suupose it's where in the D/s relationship that the "brutality" and "meanness" occur .. and again, how you define both of them. Personally, for me, brutalizing someone with love is different from B.R.U.T.A.L.I.Z.I.N.G someone ... yanno? Now, meanness, being domineering, or more importantly FORCING me to obey, rather than making me ...... want to ..... well, that ain't gonna happen, I can't, I won't. Again, been there, done that.

Anna
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The above questions were asked of slave/subs/bottoms. I felt that number 1, 2 and 4could as easily be answered by a dominant, and so I did:

1. Not only do I not think brutality and meaness are a necessary part of D/s. I actually believe that brutality and meaness have no place at all in consensual D/s.

2. Similarly, I do not think a domineering personality and being a sexual dominant are at all the same thing. I also think that someone who is domineering will make at best a very poor dominant. A dominant has little need to continously assert their dominance over others through domineering behaviors, rather a dominant in the lifesytle sense is at ease with the fact of their dominance and fulfills that role in a consistantly responsible manner.

4. I know of two pairs of switches who are in long term commited relationships, I don't believe that any of them feel "owned" per se. I have a hard time seeing how this would work, but I never cease to be amazed by many and various forms of relationships folks in this lifestyle can create and enjoy.
--
Refuse to live in the wreckage of your future.

Regards,
DarkPaladin

I want to be SEDUCED into submission. Yet, very few Dommes give the impression in their profiles that they are even the slightest bit prepared to seduce anyone. Much more often they give the impression that if obedience isn't automatic and up front then punishment will be devilled out immediately. They really do give the impression that servitude should be based on avoiding punishment rather than via a willing mood that was attained via seduction.

1.)...are brutality and meanness a necessary part of a D/s relationship?

D/s not necessarily - SM uh...I would think so...by nature of the label. I was a loving and obediant sub to those I have served and looked forward to hearing of their desires so that I had a chance to please them. It was personal challenge to me to rise to each request and to never hesitate. There was never a need for brutality or meanness, in fact the opposite gets much better results. If you are not complying then you are either not interested in having a true D/s relationship, or you are leaning more toward humiliation and perhaps SM is more to your liking or at least a component of your relationship. It is this way for me at aany rate...although it has been a really long time since I had a Master worth my servitude..

2.) Does a dominant necessarily need to have a domineering personality?

Domineering?? Hmmm...I don't know about that so much but I would say that a stong sense of self, not self import but of your core being who you are and how you see and treat others. Should he/she have a dominant personality? Yes, but you can have one of those without being a domineering pushy unfeeling asshole.

3.) Would a Dominant who me rely insists that you obey and belong to them be enough for you? I think what I meant here is, do you prefer the more physical "caveman approach" or the more intellectual "starship captain approach"?

Hmmmm....This is a good one. The caveman approach is not as bad as one might think. Don't forget that male cavepersons did not communicate all that well at the time...not much change there...LOL Something else about cavemen...they would kill to feed and protect their family. They were his. In that ...I am all for the caveman approach yes. However, the startship captain or King type ruler is what I would select overall. A good king or captain rules his Queen, family and kingdom/staff with firm resolve, direction and laws but aknoweledges the accomplishments of his subjects. Their suffering is his suffereing. Their heartbreak is his heartbreak...and his subjects or staff love and adore him.

4.) Do you believe that a couple could successfully create a D/s dynamic that could make both of them feel owned?
-- See above. I would not say owned but rather in each others debt, for each needs the other. A king cannot rule and empty Kingdom as a captain does not sail and empty shift.

Salome

edited to add- I didn't address brutality, yes I do enjoy rough dungeon play and pain and sensation but even still cruelty or abject meanness is not something that works for me. I need to know that my Master truly loves and cares for me and if it pleases him to beat, spank, or otherwise use me that is his right to do that and I am thrilled to be able to please him. The few times that I was out of the blue harshly punished without doing anything wrong really confused and angered me.

Jes' gimme da rules.

Edited by - Salomeveil on 2004-07-30 16:50:10

Excellent questions! Here are My answers:

1). Brutality and meanness have no place in My world. Those are abhorrent to Me. Play with pain is one thing, but these two are vices, not virtues, and devalue the Dom as well as His sub. Were I to descend to either, and realize it afterward, I'm not sure how I could face either Myself or My victim. And yes, she WOULD be a victim, of abuse.

2). Define "domineering." If it means scowling a lot and yelling big bad words, that can be empty posturing if it's coming out of the wrong mouth. Often a kindness, reduced to a whisper and stripped of the word "Please," can be extremely Dominant. So can silence.

And it's okay to smile on occasion.

3). A Dominant should be a leader, even if a very private one. Both the Caveman and the Starship Captain are archetypes of leaders, who go about in different ways.

Actually, I prefer the metaphors of Alexander the Great and the Duke of Wellington; both were great leaders who went about it in entirely different ways. Alexander went to war at the head of his own cavalry, riding hell bent for leather with his elite troopers right into the enemy. Wellington had a more studious approach to battle, leading more from the rear, but finding that there he could exercise more control over more of the battlefield. But both were oustanding leaders, loved and respected by their troops, albeit in different ages and by different methods.

There is a parallel with bdsm. In our lifestyle, there's room and call for the Caveman and the Starship Captain, the Alexander and the Wellington. Myself, I like to think that there's a part of all in My own character (along with some other archetypes).

4). In committed relationship, I never felt "owned," as I was the one doing the owning of the submissive. But I love feeling loved, with the certain knowledge of exclusivity, and that's a lot better, at least for Me, than being owned by anyone.

Then again, I'm a Dom, so I'm not looking for an owner in any way shape or form.

Sadomasochism has its place in My bdsm, but it's not front and center. I've said it many times, the thing on which I get off the most is control, and that includes what the lucky girl feels. If that includes some pain and punishment, so be it, but that's hardly the goal or the preferred theme of My play.
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"I didn't join an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity."

Dominant Resident in Pittsburgh
Visit My Realm at: http://members.aol.com/jameslorddom/

Edited by - James_Lord_Dominant on 2004-07-30 17:16:51

I see some other people have also mentioned the there is no place for brutality and meanness in D/s. Please keep in mind that we are talking about consensual methods here. Not abuse!