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 All Forums BDSM Talk and Support BDSM Technique Getting a Dominant to be more Dominating |  Login to Reply New Topic |  Printer Friendly |
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| Aersm4er | Posted: 2009-07-02 10:20 | |
| Forum Initiate 11 Posts | neo10: aslandia: I would have little to no luck getting him to dominate me the way *I* want to be dominated. It's my responsibility to conform to his life, his wants, his desires, his way of doing things. If I had not wanted it that way I would have been gone long ago. My concern is my submission. I keep my eyes in front of myself and work on what is my business. This is much more fulfilling for me. And I always have something to work on. If I find myself unsatisfied with the way he does something often looking to my own self solves the issue. And if I don't like it? Well, really? Tough shit. I'll get over it. tehehe That's what I signed up for... being his submissive. I wish this was better understood. You've nailed it aslandia. I can't imagine me advising HT on how to dom me. -- I don't want power to be simply exchanged; I want to rip it from her body ~ HardTop I win, is the bottom line. It is understood from the outset ~ HardTop The problem is that he expects to see a specific response. I'm trying to tell him what I need for him to get that response. Isn't that supposed to help? | |
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| aslandia | Posted: 2009-07-02 10:28 | |
Life Is Music United States 8,133 Posts | If he's asking for a specific response... I know it can be difficult to talk about but you really should try to express how you feel. Saying exactly what you said in your first post in this thread is a great start. -- Edited by - aslandia on 2009-07-02 10:29:45 | |
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| veryhotwitch | Posted: 2009-07-02 15:20 | |
Forum Maniac United States 5,385 Posts | Aersm4er: Ok, I think Im having a tough time communicating things to him. When Ive tried, he's either non-responsive or takes the meaning wrong. I mean that I need more demands. I need to be controlled more. When he doesn't give me the demands that I crave, it makes me feel like he doesn't care. Shouldn't a dominant know that's important without my having to tell him? Or does it mean he really doesn't care? He wants me to be able to communicate things well. But its all so new to me and there's many feelings going at once. It's hard to capture them all and express them with accuracy. I think its causing him to misinterpret my submission. That bothers me. put on the brakes. if you're so balled up, exhale and try not talking for a while. let your mind get quiet. it's impossible to communicate effectively if there is a torrent of do-me-do-me-do-me-do-me-do-me in your head. why do you feel compelled to spill every little thing in your brain? try blogging or keeping a journal instead. give him the password. explain that it's a mode of self-expression. knowing he reads it should not cause you to edit or confabulate, if you really want him to know and perhaps help you. it can be a good exercise in sorting your thoughts, as well as a way to avoid blaming him for your feelings. i see alot of "i need" this or that here. what about his needs? you're supposed to be submitting to him. he's not a clown you hired for a party whose sole purpose is to keep you entertained. the owner is not a micro-manager and after all these years there is not a lot of active domliness on display most of the times. but there always remains the frisson of him being in charge and his needs coming first. start thinking about what you can do for him, instead of what he's not doing for you -- the latter is profoundly selfish. The problem is that he expects to see a specific response. I'm trying to tell him what I need for him to get that response. Isn't that supposed to help? does he expect a certain response to a specific action? am i understanding that correctly? or is it a more general pattern of behavior from you that he seeks? there have been times i have been at my emotional wit's end. i ask the owner how he wants me to feel. i use that as a frame. it's not always a walk in the park, but it's a coping skill that has worked. our dynamic is not about me. if my emotions get in the way of my submission it is bad juju and i cannot allow myself to spin out too far. the art of self-restraint is something more who call themselves submissives need to practice. let go of what you think you need, and follow his lead. you bossing him about, making demands and telling him he's ineffectual is not submitting. I wish there was someone I could talk to more privately about this stuff. none of us know you, so this is pretty private and you've gotten advice from people in long and happy d/s relationships. maybe it isn't what you want to hear. dunno. you don't need to race through your checklist in a month and long-term happiness isn't a sprint. slow down. exhale. listen to him. witchy -- words ought to be a little wild for they are the assault on the unthinking. ~~j.m. keynes | |
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| Aersm4er | Posted: 2009-07-02 15:57 | |
| Forum Initiate 11 Posts | veryhotwitch: Aersm4er: Ok, I think Im having a tough time communicating things to him. When Ive tried, he's either non-responsive or takes the meaning wrong. I mean that I need more demands. I need to be controlled more. When he doesn't give me the demands that I crave, it makes me feel like he doesn't care. Shouldn't a dominant know that's important without my having to tell him? Or does it mean he really doesn't care? He wants me to be able to communicate things well. But its all so new to me and there's many feelings going at once. It's hard to capture them all and express them with accuracy. I think its causing him to misinterpret my submission. That bothers me. put on the brakes. if you're so balled up, exhale and try not talking for a while. let your mind get quiet. it's impossible to communicate effectively if there is a torrent of do-me-do-me-do-me-do-me-do-me in your head. why do you feel compelled to spill every little thing in your brain? try blogging or keeping a journal instead. give him the password. explain that it's a mode of self-expression. knowing he reads it should not cause you to edit or confabulate, if you really want him to know and perhaps help you. it can be a good exercise in sorting your thoughts, as well as a way to avoid blaming him for your feelings. i see alot of "i need" this or that here. what about his needs? you're supposed to be submitting to him. he's not a clown you hired for a party whose sole purpose is to keep you entertained. the owner is not a micro-manager and after all these years there is not a lot of active domliness on display most of the times. but there always remains the frisson of him being in charge and his needs coming first. start thinking about what you can do for him, instead of what he's not doing for you -- the latter is profoundly selfish. The problem is that he expects to see a specific response. I'm trying to tell him what I need for him to get that response. Isn't that supposed to help? does he expect a certain response to a specific action? am i understanding that correctly? or is it a more general pattern of behavior from you that he seeks? there have been times i have been at my emotional wit's end. i ask the owner how he wants me to feel. i use that as a frame. it's not always a walk in the park, but it's a coping skill that has worked. our dynamic is not about me. if my emotions get in the way of my submission it is bad juju and i cannot allow myself to spin out too far. the art of self-restraint is something more who call themselves submissives need to practice. let go of what you think you need, and follow his lead. you bossing him about, making demands and telling him he's ineffectual is not submitting. I wish there was someone I could talk to more privately about this stuff. none of us know you, so this is pretty private and you've gotten advice from people in long and happy d/s relationships. maybe it isn't what you want to hear. dunno. you don't need to race through your checklist in a month and long-term happiness isn't a sprint. slow down. exhale. listen to him. witchy -- words ought to be a little wild for they are the assault on the unthinking. ~~j.m. keynes Ok, a lot of great advice. Thanks a lot. | |
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| Baronslair | Posted: 2009-07-02 16:17 | |
Forum Maniac  United States 6,609 Posts | You correct it by talking to him and telling him it isn't working this way.If he still can't kick things up and grasp the situation.... get rid of him and find someone who is where you want to be.Staying in poor relationships that don't improve in reasonable time is slow death,why put up with it when there are others out there that might be perfect?. | |
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| BabieGothika | Posted: 2009-07-03 14:02 | |
Forum Maniac United States 2,935 Posts | i think than u have to tell him how u feel, u are the only want who can do that. Good luck.  --
Edited by - BabieGothika on 2009-07-03 14:04:01 | |
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| Sol | Posted: 2009-07-03 14:37 | |
Forum Maniac United States 3,241 Posts | You can't correct it...maybe learn his style of dominance and perhaps see where it is there and you are missing it, and then let him know honestly what your needs are and then wait for him to make his own choices. If he desires to meet them..and is able, perhaps you will find what you seek, and perhaps not. Communication is the key. However remember a scorpion is always a scorpion. People are who they are. -- Folsom Fringe '08, September 26-28, San Jose. Learn, play, see kinky stuff at the Folsom Street Fair Reflections of a Dominant Sol (Your mileage may vary) | |
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| whytechocolate | Posted: 2009-07-05 16:00 | |
Forum Apprentice United States 368 Posts | So much gd advice here. you guys are great. as I have stated in so many of the forums I am so very new to this actually it is jst a fantasy at the moment. Im actually pushing him and he says I am too impatient so I like the blog idea. I think its great. a place where I can put my thoughts and feelings for him to see. as each day goes by and as I read more of the forums I get a greater insite to some of the things he does. and It helps alot. At first I thought it was me and to a point it is but it is his way of doing things he wants to progress slow and build the relationship. I even told him about this site today I just want to say thanks to all of you -- ~WhyteChocolate~ | |
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