Bondage Forums

Witchy is absolutely right! Listen to her.

This guy you're in love with is a victim of your love. You have created a dependency from him and he will do whatever you want.

You, meantime have simply jumped from one relationship to another trying to get what you want.

And don't believe that you're excusing your behaviour when you call yourself a polygamist. That means your married to multiple people. You're not married, as I understand it.

Indeed, you are not polyamorous because you are not trustworthy nor mature enough to identify what love is. Polyamoury is not an excuse to cheat online or otherwise. Your online fuck-buddy is getting wank-fodder from you. I don't think that's what you have in mind.

Sorry if this is your first post and I'm biting you for it, but just stating what I believe to be the obvious.

Maybe someone else can jump in and be nice...if that's what you're looking for. But, remember, hearing nice things about who you are and what you're doing will not resolve your issues. You have to face ugly and scare yourself.

quoted for truth, wouldn't change a word.
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It's still young.
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I was married two months after my 18th birthday and have been with the same man since then. 6 years this Oct. I realize that the majority of young marriages don't work but that doesn't mean young, serious, committed relationships can't and shouldn't happen.

You said:
This is the time she needs to be going through the "revolving door" so to speak to discover exactly what it is she needs in her life.

I don't see how this can be healthy for anybody regardless of age. Having multiple partners before getting married isn't a fix in that your marriage is going to work. Being married or even in a serious committed relationship takes a lot of work on both parts. Having explored a ton before getting into a serious relationship doesn't (IMO) give that relationship a better chance of survival.

ms

Edited by - mischievous_slut on 2009-07-01 20:20:26

Commitment is not for everyone. Perhaps it would be better if you played the field. Not necessarily actually better, but better in that perhaps you'd tire of it after a time and be more prepared to work for something more solid. But if you are playing the field, perhaps it would be better to spare the earnest young men your temporary commitment. But who knows? perhaps that's exactly what they need. I was one and still couldn't tell you. But my heart was and is pretty fragile. The flame of love was great. But the little and big shocks of failure and heartbreak were rotten. It's up to you to decide whether, in order to spare your lover you will restrain your actions.

I will say that if you wish to avoid temptation, the best approach is to avoid temptation. If instead you flirt with temptation, and if you are human, you will sometimes fall into its arms. Loyalty comes not just in keeping your commitments but in creating circumstances in which you are better able to keep your commitments. Through succeeding in keeping your commitments you can build greater faith in yourself, which is a powerful thing. Do you have faith in yourself?

If you have not, I would also suggest that you try begging, and thanking. Not in general, but in a lightly negotiated scene as a way of reassuring him that you want the pain, that you're OK and that he's OK. Or not even begging, just talking a lot. I've been on both sides of that, and it's very reassuring. I find it great to be asked, "How are you doing? are you ready for more?" and also asked for more, "Mmm, yes please, don't stop." Keeping more attention on him my reduce the thrill for you, but this is about more than that, isn't it?

If your lover has witnessed a bunch of abuse as a child, he's a victim. And if he suffered it directly, even more so, of course. That doesn't mean he's permanently a victim, it just means he needs healing. You may be able to help, but you shouldn't be his only support. You should discuss and explore the availability of counseling or therapy of some sort. It might help, if he'll consider it.

Update: I talked with my boyfriend and we came to an understanding despite the conversation nearly breaking us up. If it wasn't for hardship, we would never be happy when good times arrive.

Does anyone have a good concise resource I could share with him for him to start off with?

It isn't an online relationship. Roleplaying for me is like writing a story, it just happens to have two or more authors.

I understand that poly relationships are more work, and I was not saying that I am in a poly relationship, I was saying that I identify more with that lifestyle than with monogamy.

Yes, I am still in school, and I don't plan on getting married or completely committed until i have a good job, a place to live, and enough to support myself and live happily. I am not a casual person however, I've never just gone out on a date it's not in my personality to do so.

Also, no one could ever know 'everything' they need to know about themselves, so by saying that you are saying that no one should ever be in a serious relationship. If you are going to yell at me, at least don't make it so easy for me to ignore you because you use absolutes. Rarely is something an absolute, take care in your word choices next time.

I'm not looking for nice, i'm looking for truthful...but I expected people to actually understand me, and not assume things (IE the friend of mine online)

As for my boyfriend, He is most definitely not dependent on me, nor will he do anything I want, if he did, he would have been just fine with me taking a dom, but he wasn't (we had this discussion last night). He accepted that there was a side of me he didn't think he could satisfy, and he said that he'd try some babysteps, but if it didn't work, then there was no reason for us to stay together. I accept this as reality, even though i'm not happy with it.

As for my online friend. He is a friend of mine since we were young. We've never met in person, but we've role played online since middle school, so regardless of what we do, there is an emotional attachment just like there would be with a friend you grew up with. My boyfriend knows about my role-playing, and he occasionally role-plays as well, there is no problem with this unless you do not understand role-playing, in which case, go look it up, as you are so fond of telling others to do about BDSM.

I agree with you on your comments about polyamory. I feel similarly about saying that I am bi, because it almost seems like trying to get the best of both worlds...but that isn't a conversation for this thread. On the polyamory comment, I feel like I "extremely like" many people, and at the same time, have never once had an issue making them feel like i was not being close enough with them, while not having feelings like that for a great deal of other people who wished me to. on the other hand, these relationships were not sexual they were merely extremely close friends (we call ourselves the snuggle club lol)

My boyfriend has already taken some minor steps, that would seem infinitesimal to most, but I am proud of him for it and show him support whenever he tries something new regardless of if I personally like it or not. He is exploring his personality just as much as I am mine.

I'd love to keep in contact with you, MissAlice, about the whole process that we both seem to be going through, if you're interested in that please PM me.

I don't understand how anyone could try and live life with a revolving door attitude to relationships, It would drive me insane. Yes my relationships do tend to follow closely on one another, and no i don't think i have the self esteem to be single, but would i ever actively be like "ok it's been (amount of time)...time to move on to the next toy" hell no.

I am not looking for marriage. I am no where near ready for that, most 21 year olds arent. I don't plan on looking for that level of commitment until much later (around 27 or so maybe?) because I want to live on my own, with my own job, and my own money. If I can't look after myself, how am I supposed to look after a family?

I am looking for commitment that fulfills what both I and my partner(s) need. It would be selfish to not want whomever is making me happy to be happy as well. In fact I look for His happiness before I look after my own.