Bondage Forums

My perfect relationship is definitely based on the Dominant/submissive dynamic. It is important to understand that I feel, as many do, that these qualities could be in a vanilla relationship as well, I just never see it as deeply and intensely as it is in the D/s world. You should also realize that submissiveness does not mean "door mat," a term used quite frequently in this environment. ALL of the submissive women I have had experience with, or have communicated with, have very strong opinions and will stand up for them. I also feel that it takes an enormous amount of strength and discipline to be a submissive. I could not do it.

Submission is one of the most extraordinary and beautiful expressions of love that exists. To give oneself wholly and completely is an amazing gift to the one who receives it. A submissive lives for the pleasure and comfort of her Master. She (since I am hetero) realizes and acts upon needs the Master may not even realize he has. She loves and understands him and her only desire is to please him. She lives for that.

The Master's role is to protect, love, and help the submissive grow and develop not only as a sub but as a person as well. He has proven himself to the sub that he will NEVER do anything that will endanger her or hurt her physically, emotionally, or mentally. It based on total trust. A Master could hold his sub over a cliff and the sub would have absolutely no fear because she has complete and undeniable trust that he would not hurt her or put her in danger. He would never ask the sub to do anything that was unnecessary or just because he knows he can tell her to do it.

I know, I know, you are probably saying that is what a marriage is. I have been married. It was a great marriage to a wonderful lady who loved(s) me more than my own mother, and it still was NOTHING CLOSE to what I experienced in my first M/s relationship. It is difficult to parlay into words the depth of the commitment that is involved in this type of love. The intensity is indescribable yet addicting. Contentment for me is dependent now on a M/s relationship. Vanilla doesn't cut it.

A relationship based on that does not happen overnight. It takes time. It takes an ever deepening level of experiences. It is not only about sexual interaction either. One of the people I communicate with, a dear, dear, girl in Milwaukee, WI, and a submissive, loves to sit on her floor wearing her collar and leash and listen to me read Anais Nin. She imagines she is sitting at my feet with her head in my lap while I hold her leash and read to her. We could have a great M/s dynamic except that she is in WI and I am in VA and neither of us want to move.

It is not a one way street either. The intensity and energy flow between the two. The Master gives as much as he receives as does the sub. They feed off each others desires to give, surrender, and please. I, for one, am most happy when I am able to provide that which the sub craves and needs. If it is a spanking then it shall be. If it is discipline such as standing in a corner it shall be that. It may also be incredibly intense sex based on a bondage scene. I can tell you that when I deliver for a sub who truly craves bondage and/or masochism that then transitions into sex it reaches deeper physically, emotionally, and psychologically than ANYTHING I have ever experienced. It can, and often does, take days and proper care to recover from the experience.

Imagine the love given by a dog; it is unflappable and unconditional. My ideal relationship is that except it is with a person who has a mind and a will of their own but offers herself to a Master without condition. I use the dog as an analogy but it in NO WAY means that the sub is an animal or less than human.

I hope this comes close, and I fear it does not, to describing "my" ideal relationship.

NOTE: If you feel this should be a post of its own, please let me know. Thx.

Edited by - JackBoot on 2009-07-02 13:38:09

I see more problems with this aspect of submission than any other. ‘Acting upon needs the Master may not even realize he has’ is the perfect way to turn him into your child. The next step down the chute is to imbue him with all the ambitions and expectations that the overarching mother does with her child. This mind set destroys the power dynamic very quickly. I can point to one of at least six threads on the boards this week where at least a variation of the question ‘how to make him more Dom’, is asked. This is born of a mindset that the submissive is ‘more’ in tune with both their needs and knows what’s best for the dom. Rather than working on maintaining her submissive mindset she is expecting him to make her feel more submissive. This is definitely a tail wags dog set up.

Beyond the normal duty of care, and unconditional loyalty that I expect from a marriage, I do not want or need my owner to ‘help me to grow and develop not only as a sub but as a person as well.’ I am a fully fledged adult woman who has spent time working out who I am and where I’m going. I have decided to fully submit to him and do not have any anxiety or moments of self doubt that I need his help with. The above may well apply if the woman is naturally indecisive and unsure of who she is or what she wants. Scenarios like this often lead to great drama and become a source for entertainment on these boards. A dom is not a substitute for a shrink.

This is a fairytale and unrealistic expectation of anyone. Shit breaks and comes undone. We go into this with our eyes and ears and senses fully open and I take full responsibility for willingly being there in the moment. The owner is not infallible or a saint. He cannot promise me something he cannot deliver by virtue of being unable to see the future. And while he’s a man who loves me deeply he makes mistakes, does stupid stuff, makes me angry or hurts me mentally and physically just like any human does, including and especially me.

I do not trust him unconditionally, which is why I fear him in many ways, which happens to be our dynamic. The bastard is a sadist with a massive need to win. You cannot want a dynamic like ours and then expect to restrain him with strings of expectations and conditions. All you do then is to emasculate him.

Where’s the fun in that? What dour manifest of M/s have you been reading? How incredibly humorless and lacking in whimsy, I take it you’re not a sadist either?

Just how much commitment does it take to ‘sit on her floor wearing her collar and leash and listen to you read Anais Nin?’

Having a dom who gleefully provides sex & bondage on cue when I crave it is a turn off for me. More tail wags dog here. I get off on being available for his use when he craves sex or binding me. If I’m lucky our needs will coincide, but I really don’t want to be serviced.

So you see we are very different in our views of M/s but that’s Ok there is room for many more than just one view of M/s.

--

The problem I keep reading about here is when people settle for less then they want/need and then keep saying through gritted teeth how it's all "fine", thank you very much -and aren't they just desperately grateful to have any kink-cookie at all?

But wade in they must, and insist on kink X they must. Neo is right, there is a fundamental element that can not just be split down the middle.

Edited by - vegassongbird on 2009-07-21 11:21:44

Your original point is to help the sub grow and develop. While I agree people continue to change and learn with experience only something cataclysmic makes a huge difference in someone's character.

And while both continue to blend their lives and learn new things about each other and themselves as in any relationship vanilla or kink, that is not the same as a master helping 'the sub to grow and develop not only as a sub but as a person.'

That speaks or paternalism and assumes the sub is not a wholly formed person who has until this point managed to live a fulfilling and self actualized life. It continues to perpetrate the myth that subs are weak and in need of a fix.

--

I do agree. Unfortunately this however has become a norm for BDSM for far too many. Which is why we see all the drama on the boards, and why the attitude has developed that unless the dom is able to fix/grow the sub he is derelict in his duties.

--

I have also found from this discussion that what I thought was ideal is far from it. The many aspects and dimensions brought forth is truly defining what I seek. The sad part is that it seems farther and farther from being actualized.

Edited by - vegassongbird on 2009-07-21 11:22:47