Bondage | fantasy, not reality - a question of trust

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Author	Topic
rationalReaction	Posted: 2009-01-26 19:23
Forum Initiate United States 25 Posts	i'm in a serious relationship with a wonderful woman; we're on the route to marriage. she's very loving, and has stood by me through a lot of very personal, emotional struggles. i was abused as a kid, and i wound up being a submissive, and longing to be "abused" again. however, my last mistress took that a step too far, safewords were abolished, and i was, quite literally, locked in an abusive relationship, until emotional friction finally drove us apart. now i'm afraid to be tied at all, even by the woman i love. i know she'd never hurt me, but i'm scared to be bound and at the whim of what she might "think is best for me" . . . so now i'm a sub that has a permanent fantasy, a sordid past, and a beautiful life . . . without the lifestyle that i dreamed would be there. any advice? i'm not leaving my girlfriend, so you'll understand if i overlook responses suggesting that i do so.

_bound_	Posted: 2009-01-26 19:31
"pervtastic" United States 2,732 Posts	You might could try small steps to possibly get you to where you seem to want to be. Start with one wrist, or one foot.. see how that goes. It may or may not work, but until you try, you'll never know. -- it's more than pulling rabbits from a hat it's breeding and raising the rabbits choosing the right color combination for the lighting of the day and then choosing the correct one for the correct hat for the correct time at the correct moment without calling it magic... that's the magic of it all ~ anonymous

puppikat	Posted: 2009-01-26 19:35
The beast in me United States 2,667 Posts	Time will promote the trust, though you may not ever be able to do certain things you did before. Talk openly about this with her and you both may come up with some ideas that could foster growth in the trust issues, promoting much-needed healing for you. Maybe you could start by using 'mental' bondage techniques for a while. It sets up and strengthens submission to her and allows you the time in which to mentally transport yourself to another place. You'll be bound, but by your own submission to her commands. In time, you might find yourself able to accept the physical bondage once again. Good luck! -- With kindest regards, puppikat =^..^= Don't hate me for having an opinion other than yours, respect me for the courage to voice it without fear of strong opposition.~ puppikat =^..^=

Celeste43	Posted: 2009-01-26 20:51
Forum Maniac United States 11,086 Posts	Start by holding the ends yourself. Have a piece of rope around your wrists and you hold the ends. If you drop them, you're free. Doing it like that, you can enjoy bondage while knowing you won't be hurt. Beyond that, give it time. Time here being defined as months and years, not days and weeks. As you learn that she is trustworthy in other ways, you will also learn she is trustworthy in this. -- There is no should to the human heart. Salud y amor y tiempo para disfrutarlo PB's girl

little_wonder1	Posted: 2009-01-26 21:04
Forum Maniac United States 8,173 Posts	i was abused as a kid, and i wound up being a submissive, and longing to be "abused" again. however, my last mistress took that a step too far, safewords were abolished, and i was, quite literally, locked in an abusive relationship, until emotional friction finally drove us apart. This here tells me quite a lot...that you should forget the bdsm for awhile, being "submissive" and seek some therapy..both alone and as a couple..before getting married. Seriously...I see a huge giant trainwreck coming your way and her's. Don't put her through this. -- Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood.

rationalReaction	Posted: 2009-01-26 21:35
Forum Initiate United States 25 Posts	little_wonder1: i was abused as a kid, and i wound up being a submissive, and longing to be "abused" again. however, my last mistress took that a step too far, safewords were abolished, and i was, quite literally, locked in an abusive relationship, until emotional friction finally drove us apart. This here tells me quite a lot...that you should forget the bdsm for awhile, being "submissive" and seek some therapy..both alone and as a couple..before getting married. Seriously...I see a huge giant trainwreck coming your way and her's. Don't put her through this. -- Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood. i don't think you quite understand. the problem isn't that i'm trying to coax her into s&m; she knows all about it, because she knows about me, and we've talked about everything, and even done everything. but i'm just afraid to let myself be tied, and have noticed that tying, while amusing, was not ultimately satisfying. of course the circumstances tell you something. and yes, i'm in therapy. but i was wondering about trustbuilding, in the s&m sense . . . i mean, will i ever be able to let myself trust someone like that again? ya know?

novelgal	Posted: 2009-01-27 19:32
Forum Apprentice 322 Posts	The book Healing Sex by Staci Haines is a great resource. It's designed for people (primarily women, but I believe that much of the advice is pretty universal) who were abused as a child (I've also found it useful for any kind of abuse or bad sexual experience) and are looking for ways to fully enjoy their sexuality as adults. It's helped me tremendously, and I've known other people who have had good luck with it as well.

rationalReaction	Posted: 2009-01-28 08:04
Forum Initiate United States 25 Posts	novelgal: The book Healing Sex by Staci Haines is a great resource. It's designed for people (primarily women, but I believe that much of the advice is pretty universal) who were abused as a child (I've also found it useful for any kind of abuse or bad sexual experience) and are looking for ways to fully enjoy their sexuality as adults. It's helped me tremendously, and I've known other people who have had good luck with it as well. thx very much; i'll def. look it up

neo10	Posted: 2009-01-28 08:47
Forum Maniac United States 8,763 Posts	Here's another aspect from which to look at your predicament. Make the fear and ability to mistrust hot. We play with my fear and mistrust often. It makes for a very emotional time on my part but I've found a way to translate my fear into desire. It’s my way of completely surrendering, I cannot be in control when I am so psychologically vulnerable. And he walks me through my demons, plays hard with them, then walks me back out again. -- I don't want power to be simply exchanged; I want to rip it from her body ~ HardTop I win, is the bottom line. It is understood from the outset ~ HardTop

BabieGothika	Posted: 2009-01-28 18:13
Forum Maniac United States 3,019 Posts	sorry to hear about your past. I was abused too badly in the past too and i only could get over going to a sychiatric, im still under treatment today but i have another Master now and that was long time ago. i think u must look for help with a profesional like i did and try to think than u are safe with your patner now,and think than she is never is going to hurts u like the other Mistress did. Just trust her, it took a long time for me to trust again but i was lucky and i found a good Master who undastand me like anybody else in this life.and He has changed me in a positive way.good luck!!

little_wonder1	Posted: 2009-01-28 18:18
Forum Maniac United States 8,173 Posts	rationalReaction: little_wonder1: i was abused as a kid, and i wound up being a submissive, and longing to be "abused" again. however, my last mistress took that a step too far, safewords were abolished, and i was, quite literally, locked in an abusive relationship, until emotional friction finally drove us apart. This here tells me quite a lot...that you should forget the bdsm for awhile, being "submissive" and seek some therapy..both alone and as a couple..before getting married. Seriously...I see a huge giant trainwreck coming your way and her's. Don't put her through this. -- Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood. i don't think you quite understand. the problem isn't that i'm trying to coax her into s&m; she knows all about it, because she knows about me, and we've talked about everything, and even done everything. but i'm just afraid to let myself be tied, and have noticed that tying, while amusing, was not ultimately satisfying. of course the circumstances tell you something. and yes, i'm in therapy. but i was wondering about trustbuilding, in the s&m sense . . . i mean, will i ever be able to let myself trust someone like that again? ya know? I understood you completely. I never said you were trying to coax her into s&m. My problem is that you were abused when you were younger and now you're seeking bdsm as some kind of "therapy". It reminds me of Stockholm's Syndrome. I seriously think you should seek counseling before getting involved with anyone at all let alone wanting to get married. I stand by my earlier statements. -- Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood.

rationalReaction	Posted: 2009-01-29 07:14
Forum Initiate United States 25 Posts	little_wonder1: rationalReaction: little_wonder1: i was abused as a kid, and i wound up being a submissive, and longing to be "abused" again. however, my last mistress took that a step too far, safewords were abolished, and i was, quite literally, locked in an abusive relationship, until emotional friction finally drove us apart. This here tells me quite a lot...that you should forget the bdsm for awhile, being "submissive" and seek some therapy..both alone and as a couple..before getting married. Seriously...I see a huge giant trainwreck coming your way and her's. Don't put her through this. -- Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood. i don't think you quite understand. the problem isn't that i'm trying to coax her into s&m; she knows all about it, because she knows about me, and we've talked about everything, and even done everything. but i'm just afraid to let myself be tied, and have noticed that tying, while amusing, was not ultimately satisfying. of course the circumstances tell you something. and yes, i'm in therapy. but i was wondering about trustbuilding, in the s&m sense . . . i mean, will i ever be able to let myself trust someone like that again? ya know? I understood you completely. I never said you were trying to coax her into s&m. My problem is that you were abused when you were younger and now you're seeking bdsm as some kind of "therapy". It reminds me of Stockholm's Syndrome. I seriously think you should seek counseling before getting involved with anyone at all let alone wanting to get married. I stand by my earlier statements. -- Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood. i appreciate the reply, and the clarification. i feel like i ought to clarify in return: i'm not seeking s&m as therapy. it's a fetish that i've naturally developed, but i no longer feel safe indulging in. i seek out therapy via therapists, not via my sex life; i would never do that to myself, or my girlfriend; especially since neither of us are professionals, therapist or otherwise

Andalusite	Posted: 2009-01-29 18:30
Forum Maniac United States 3,096 Posts	I was a bit nervous about being tied down at first, also. One thing that really helped was having a lot of rope harnesses done on me, without being tied to anything. It got me comfortable with the ropework. Once you are comfortable with that, your Domme can use some velcro cable ties, quick release snaps, or other easy-to-relase connectors to hook one body part to another body part without attaching you to anything solid. Leave it attached only for a few seconds, then take it off, and attach something else. Over time, you'll probably find you are more comfortable with more restriction. -- --Anda, the toppy/bottomy-switchy, dominant or submissive when lightning strikes, flying purple people pleaser "The protection of His child and treasure Is a charge, that on Himself He laid Lovingly, it's part of pain and pleasure This the pledge, to me, He made."

Wolfy_Montgomery	Posted: 2009-01-29 19:54
Forum Newbie United States 65 Posts	One thing that I would worry about is that your traumatic past of being abused as a child is what actually CAUSED you to be submissive. I'm not exactly a pro at the BDSM thing (getting there, but no where close) but I know LOTS about mental problems that stemmed from past experience. I would - if you haven't already - seek counseling for that child abuse, and also the abuse in your previous relationship. If you fully recovered from those experiences then things would be MUCH clearer for you. Especially if you use the past experiences of abuse as a child as the excuse for why you enjoy being submissive and wanting to be "beaten" again. That outlook on things isn't entirely normal or healthy. And I'm not saying that being beaten in general isn't normal (I like it, though you can't really use me as a catalyst for calling it normal since I am not exactly normal, as none of us probably are), but your choice of words and mentioning that abuse as a child makes some really large sirens and red lights go off in my mind. Before you can really enjoy being tied and beaten again, you should figure out WHY you placed "Abused as a Kid" and "Longing to be 'abused' again" in the same sentence, and find a way to REMOVE it from that sentence so that it is merely because you "enjoy being tied and abused". I hope I made sense with that. This is my first post, and like I said before, I don't have that much experience yet as a sub, but I do know about how past experiences can really warp the way you view things.

Anubisdogg	Posted: 2009-02-01 07:18
Forum Initiate United States 28 Posts	I was also abused as a child. I know what that's like, I have had therapy and all that. To tell you the truth I am still submissive and love everyday of being with my Mistress. I have the fantasy of being "abused" however, in my case I think that has to do with the power that the abuser seemed to have when I was a child. This book helped me out a lot Sue Johanson recommended it. Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew, good luck. Anubis

rationalReaction	Posted: 2009-02-02 09:54
Forum Initiate United States 25 Posts	Anubisdogg: I was also abused as a child. I know what that's like, I have had therapy and all that. To tell you the truth I am still submissive and love everyday of being with my Mistress. I have the fantasy of being "abused" however, in my case I think that has to do with the power that the abuser seemed to have when I was a child. This book helped me out a lot Sue Johanson recommended it. Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew, good luck. Anubis i appreciate your candor, and i'll definitely look up the book. thanks to everyone for the help. just talking about it has made the whole concept a little easier to wrap my head around. i really appreciate the responses, and suggestions.

Author

Topic

rationalReaction

Posted: 2009-01-26 19:23

Forum Initiate

United States
25 Posts

i'm in a serious relationship with a wonderful woman; we're on the route to marriage. she's very loving, and has stood by me through a lot of very personal, emotional struggles.

i was abused as a kid, and i wound up being a submissive, and longing to be "abused" again. however, my last mistress took that a step too far, safewords were abolished, and i was, quite literally, locked in an abusive relationship, until emotional friction finally drove us apart.

now i'm afraid to be tied at all, even by the woman i love. i know she'd never hurt me, but i'm scared to be bound and at the whim of what she might "think is best for me" . . .

so now i'm a sub that has a permanent fantasy, a sordid past, and a beautiful life . . . without the lifestyle that i dreamed would be there. any advice? i'm not leaving my girlfriend, so you'll understand if i overlook responses suggesting that i do so.

_bound_

Posted: 2009-01-26 19:31

"pervtastic"

United States
2,732 Posts

You might could try small steps to possibly get you to where you seem to want to be.

Start with one wrist, or one foot.. see how that goes.
It may or may not work, but until you try, you'll never know.
--

it's more than pulling rabbits from a hat
it's breeding and raising the rabbits
choosing the right color combination for the lighting of the day
and then choosing the correct one for the correct hat
for the correct time at the correct moment without calling it magic... that's the magic of it all ~ anonymous

puppikat

Posted: 2009-01-26 19:35

The beast in me

United States
2,667 Posts

Time will promote the trust, though you may not ever be able to do certain things you did before. Talk openly about this with her and you both may come up with some ideas that could foster growth in the trust issues, promoting much-needed healing for you.

Maybe you could start by using 'mental' bondage techniques for a while. It sets up and strengthens submission to her and allows you the time in which to mentally transport yourself to another place. You'll be bound, but by your own submission to her commands. In time, you might find yourself able to accept the physical bondage once again.

Good luck!
--

With kindest regards,
puppikat =^..^=

Don't hate me for having an opinion other than yours,
respect me for the courage to voice it without fear of strong opposition.~ puppikat =^..^=

Celeste43

Posted: 2009-01-26 20:51

Forum Maniac

United States
11,086 Posts

Start by holding the ends yourself. Have a piece of rope around your wrists and you hold the ends. If you drop them, you're free. Doing it like that, you can enjoy bondage while knowing you won't be hurt.

Beyond that, give it time. Time here being defined as months and years, not days and weeks. As you learn that she is trustworthy in other ways, you will also learn she is trustworthy in this.
--

There is no should to the human heart.
Salud y amor y tiempo para disfrutarlo
PB's girl

little_wonder1

Posted: 2009-01-26 21:04

Forum Maniac

United States
8,173 Posts

This here tells me quite a lot...that you should forget the bdsm for awhile, being "submissive" and seek some therapy..both alone and as a couple..before getting married.

Seriously...I see a huge giant trainwreck coming your way and her's. Don't put her through this.

Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood.

rationalReaction

Posted: 2009-01-26 21:35

Forum Initiate

United States
25 Posts

little_wonder1:

This here tells me quite a lot...that you should forget the bdsm for awhile, being "submissive" and seek some therapy..both alone and as a couple..before getting married.

Seriously...I see a huge giant trainwreck coming your way and her's. Don't put her through this.

Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood.

i don't think you quite understand. the problem isn't that i'm trying to coax her into s&m; she knows all about it, because she knows about me, and we've talked about everything, and even done everything. but i'm just afraid to let myself be tied, and have noticed that tying, while amusing, was not ultimately satisfying. of course the circumstances tell you something. and yes, i'm in therapy. but i was wondering about trustbuilding, in the s&m sense . . . i mean, will i ever be able to let myself trust someone like that again? ya know?

novelgal

Posted: 2009-01-27 19:32

Forum Apprentice

322 Posts

The book Healing Sex by Staci Haines is a great resource. It's designed for people (primarily women, but I believe that much of the advice is pretty universal) who were abused as a child (I've also found it useful for any kind of abuse or bad sexual experience) and are looking for ways to fully enjoy their sexuality as adults.

It's helped me tremendously, and I've known other people who have had good luck with it as well.

rationalReaction

Posted: 2009-01-28 08:04

Forum Initiate

United States
25 Posts

novelgal:
The book Healing Sex by Staci Haines is a great resource. It's designed for people (primarily women, but I believe that much of the advice is pretty universal) who were abused as a child (I've also found it useful for any kind of abuse or bad sexual experience) and are looking for ways to fully enjoy their sexuality as adults.

It's helped me tremendously, and I've known other people who have had good luck with it as well.

thx very much; i'll def. look it up

neo10

Posted: 2009-01-28 08:47

Forum Maniac

United States
8,763 Posts

Here's another aspect from which to look at your predicament. Make the fear and ability to mistrust hot.

We play with my fear and mistrust often. It makes for a very emotional time on my part but I've found a way to translate my fear into desire. It’s my way of completely surrendering, I cannot be in control when I am so psychologically vulnerable. And he walks me through my demons, plays hard with them, then walks me back out again.

I don't want power to be simply exchanged; I want to rip it from her body ~ HardTop
I win, is the bottom line. It is understood from the outset ~ HardTop

BabieGothika

Posted: 2009-01-28 18:13

Forum Maniac

United States
3,019 Posts

sorry to hear about your past. I was abused too badly in
the past too and i only could get over going to a sychiatric,
im still under treatment today but i have another Master now
and that was long time ago.
i think u must look for help with a profesional like i did and
try to think than u are safe with your patner now,and think
than she is never is going to hurts u like the other Mistress
did. Just trust her, it took a long time for me to trust again
but i was lucky and i found a good Master who undastand me
like anybody else in this life.and He has changed me in a
positive way.good luck!!

_big _shock _evil _blush _tongue

little_wonder1

Posted: 2009-01-28 18:18

Forum Maniac

United States
8,173 Posts

rationalReaction:

little_wonder1:

This here tells me quite a lot...that you should forget the bdsm for awhile, being "submissive" and seek some therapy..both alone and as a couple..before getting married.

Seriously...I see a huge giant trainwreck coming your way and her's. Don't put her through this.

Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood.

I understood you completely. I never said you were trying to coax her into s&m. My problem is that you were abused when you were younger and now you're seeking bdsm as some kind of "therapy". It reminds me of Stockholm's Syndrome.

I seriously think you should seek counseling before getting involved with anyone at all let alone wanting to get married. I stand by my earlier statements.
--

Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood.

rationalReaction

Posted: 2009-01-29 07:14

Forum Initiate

United States
25 Posts

little_wonder1:

rationalReaction:

little_wonder1:

This here tells me quite a lot...that you should forget the bdsm for awhile, being "submissive" and seek some therapy..both alone and as a couple..before getting married.

Seriously...I see a huge giant trainwreck coming your way and her's. Don't put her through this.

Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood.

I seriously think you should seek counseling before getting involved with anyone at all let alone wanting to get married. I stand by my earlier statements.
--

Personally, I hold that a man, who deliberately and intelligently takes a pledge and then breaks it, forfeits his manhood.

i appreciate the reply, and the clarification. i feel like i ought to clarify in return: i'm not seeking s&m as therapy. it's a fetish that i've naturally developed, but i no longer feel safe indulging in. i seek out therapy via therapists, not via my sex life; i would never do that to myself, or my girlfriend; especially since neither of us are professionals, therapist or otherwise _wink

Andalusite

Posted: 2009-01-29 18:30

Forum Maniac

United States
3,096 Posts

I was a bit nervous about being tied down at first, also. One thing that really helped was having a lot of rope harnesses done on me, without being tied *to* anything. It got me comfortable with the ropework. Once you are comfortable with that, your Domme can use some velcro cable ties, quick release snaps, or other easy-to-relase connectors to hook one body part to another body part without attaching you to anything solid. Leave it attached only for a few seconds, then take it off, and attach something else. Over time, you'll probably find you are more comfortable with more restriction.

--Anda, the toppy/bottomy-switchy, dominant or submissive when lightning strikes, flying purple people pleaser

"The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge, that on Himself He laid
Lovingly, it's part of pain and pleasure This the pledge, to me, He made."

Wolfy_Montgomery

Posted: 2009-01-29 19:54

Forum Newbie

United States
65 Posts

One thing that I would worry about is that your traumatic past of being abused as a child is what actually CAUSED you to be submissive. I'm not exactly a pro at the BDSM thing (getting there, but no where close) but I know LOTS about mental problems that stemmed from past experience.
I would - if you haven't already - seek counseling for that child abuse, and also the abuse in your previous relationship. If you fully recovered from those experiences then things would be MUCH clearer for you.
Especially if you use the past experiences of abuse as a child as the excuse for why you enjoy being submissive and wanting to be "beaten" again. That outlook on things isn't entirely normal or healthy. And I'm not saying that being beaten in general isn't normal (I like it, though you can't really use me as a catalyst for calling it normal since *I* am not exactly normal, as none of us probably are), but your choice of words and mentioning that abuse as a child makes some really large sirens and red lights go off in my mind.

Before you can really enjoy being tied and beaten again, you should figure out WHY you placed "Abused as a Kid" and "Longing to be 'abused' again" in the same sentence, and find a way to REMOVE it from that sentence so that it is merely because you "enjoy being tied and abused".

I hope I made sense with that. This is my first post, and like I said before, I don't have that much experience yet as a sub, but I do know about how past experiences can really warp the way you view things.

Anubisdogg

Posted: 2009-02-01 07:18

Forum Initiate

United States
28 Posts

I was also abused as a child. I know what that's like, I have had therapy and all that. To tell you the truth I am still submissive and love everyday of being with my Mistress. I have the fantasy of being "abused" however, in my case I think that has to do with the power that the abuser seemed to have when I was a child. This book helped me out a lot Sue Johanson recommended it. Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew, good luck.
Anubis

rationalReaction

Posted: 2009-02-02 09:54

Forum Initiate

United States
25 Posts

Anubisdogg:
I was also abused as a child. I know what that's like, I have had therapy and all that. To tell you the truth I am still submissive and love everyday of being with my Mistress. I have the fantasy of being "abused" however, in my case I think that has to do with the power that the abuser seemed to have when I was a child. This book helped me out a lot Sue Johanson recommended it. Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew, good luck.
Anubis

i appreciate your candor, and i'll definitely look up the book.

thanks to everyone for the help. just talking about it has made the whole concept a little easier to wrap my head around. i really appreciate the responses, and suggestions.

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