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| klutzynutzy | Posted: 2009-06-29 22:48 | |
Forum Initiate United States 11 Posts | I am new to this forum, I found it because i was looking for stories/experiences that might help me with my current predicament. Sorry ahead of time for rambling. a little history to bring this into context: I am a 21yo bi-curious sub, with not all that much experience, and I have never had a real 'D/dom.' I have been in relationships where I have toyed with D/s but not fully been. I feel that being a sub is something that is part of me, and have since before I was even sexually aware (ie. I was playing subservient roles all the way back in pre-school). In my previous relationships I have always had difficulty because of my heart straying because I wasn't satisfied in my relationship, but I have not been single for more than 2 months at a time since I started dating back in 9th grade. Most of my relationships end because I am afraid of ending up cheating on the person I'm with, and then I start dating the person I was afraid of cheating with. Because of this, for the last 2-3 years I have been identifying myself (if asked about it) as polygamous instead of monogamous. In September I fell in love with a vanilla man and can't imagine not having him in my life. He knows about my submissive side, and accepts it, and wants to be my dom, and we both think he is fully capable of doing so, except for his worry about harming me. His father was abusive, and he is worried he might become abusive instead of a dom. So he has limited the amount of 'dom' things he does to the point where it's more of an occasional kink than being a dom. A friend of mine I have recently come back into contact and I role-play online(in AoRG on AOL, as an elf and a demon king), and our characters are Dom/sub. He is a Dom and is without a sub currently, and I have always been attracted to him physically/emotionally as well as as a sub. I talked to him about this problem and he has offered himself as being my "Dom on the side" if I end up looking for one. I am afraid to ask my boyfriend about this though, because I don't want him to think I don't want to be with him, or that it is something that is entirely his fault. But I am also afraid he will allow me to have my "dom on the side" because being a sub is not just about the physical, there is a lot of emotion in it, and i am afraid i'll start liking my friend over my boyfriend. Does anyone have any suggestions/opinions/stories about this or a similar issue? Edited by - klutzynutzy on 2009-07-02 23:26:18 | |
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| krystalline | Posted: 2009-06-29 23:50 | |
| Forum Slut United States 1,577 Posts | If you really can't imagine not being with your boyfriend, then you and he have some serious talking to do about what each of your needs are.
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| Dkyle | Posted: 2009-06-30 02:37 | |
Forum Maniac   United States 3,798 Posts | I think you need to recognize that while his concerns are probably not well-founded, they are very understandable -- and this is something that may take quite a bit of time to work through. For many people, the kink does go against their natural tendency, and its fairly easy to see how a powerful inhibition could develop in someone who had an abusive father (at present there is a very strong social belief that abusiveness begets abusiveness -- while I think that's exaggerated, that's neither here not there). As for the rest, it's as krystalline says. Given you relationship history, you do need to get this on the table -- what you've been doing in the past obviously hasn't been working. All the best, Whenever death may surprise us, let it be welcome if our battle cry has reached even one receptive ear and another hand reaches out to take up our arms. -- Che Guevara | |
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| NASHVILLEDOM | Posted: 2009-06-30 03:15 | |
Liberal Dragon Slayer United States 37,115 Posts | klutzynutzy:
If this is true and I have no reason to believe it is not then the smart thing to do is end the online relationship that could fuck it up. Explore with each other and don't expect instant gratification. It takes time and effort to build a solid relationship and the physical is but a small part of the whole. The more you practice the more comfortable he will become. Don't rush it if indeed this is mr. right or you may find yourself with an endless supply of mr. right nows and empty feelings. nd | |
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| neo10 | Posted: 2009-06-30 03:20 | |
Forum Maniac United States 8,012 Posts | The Dom with the side offer... of course he'll help with that, he's got nothing to lose. How do you feel about your boyfriend having a thing on the side? In September I fell in love with a vanilla man and can't imagine not having him in my life. Well you'd better start imagining this quick smart or you need to rearrange your priorities. If this is a relationship that you want to last then you'll be patient while your boyfriend builds the skills and confidence he needs to be a good Dom. If however instant BDSM is more important than this relationship then take the demon king up on his very kind offer and do the right thing by the vanilla guy and let him go. Btw get your boyfriend to hang out here. He’ll soon learn what is and isn't abuse. It’s a path we've all had to travel. -- I don't want power to be simply exchanged; I want to rip it from her body ~ HardTop I win, is the bottom line. It is understood from the outset ~ HardTop | |
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| dhalialily | Posted: 2009-06-30 08:20 | |
Forum Apprentice United States 156 Posts | neo10: The Dom with the side offer... of course he'll help with that, he's got nothing to lose. How do you feel about your boyfriend having a thing on the side? In September I fell in love with a vanilla man and can't imagine not having him in my life. Well you'd better start imagining this quick smart or you need to rearrange your priorities. If this is a relationship that you want to last then you'll be patient while your boyfriend builds the skills and confidence he needs to be a good Dom. If however instant BDSM is more important than this relationship then take the demon king up on his very kind offer and do the right thing by the vanilla guy and let him go. Btw get your boyfriend to hang out here. He’ll soon learn what is and isn't abuse. It’s a path we've all had to travel. -- I don't want power to be simply exchanged; I want to rip it from her body ~ HardTop I win, is the bottom line. It is understood from the outset ~ HardTop I agree, ask him to visit the forums. | |
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| Patronus_mouse | Posted: 2009-06-30 08:21 | |
Forum Maniac United States 3,524 Posts | klutzynutzy: I feel that being a sub is something that is part of me, and have since before I was even sexually aware (ie. I was tying myself up and playing subservient roles all the way back in pre-school). Oh noes, AUP VIOLATION! AUP VIOLATION! Someone hurry and take this off the post before we gets in trouble!
"So long, oh, honey babe, where I'm bound, I can't tell, Goodbye is too good a word, babe, So I'll just say fare thee well." ~ Zimmerman | |
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| _Ghost | Posted: 2009-06-30 15:25 | |
Forum Slut United States 1,850 Posts | You're among the fortunate few people with your particular problem (wanting a kinky partner) who already has a partner willing to explore (even if it isn't their natural inclination). Relationships are always a commitment. If you don't feel you can make the commitment to one person, you need to look for the one you can make it with. It sounds to me like you're okay with your current relationship. As such, you should likely swallow the desire to fool around and keep following through with the current relationship to see if you will truly be happy there or if you need to find another partner. And for God sakes, if you can't be sure you can commit to one person, stay as far from poly relationships as possible. Those require MORE commitment, despite most people's belief that it requires less. "...by the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny, little moments." | |
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| mischievous_slut | Posted: 2009-07-01 01:59 | |
| Forum Newbie United States 53 Posts | hi klutzy and welcome. I was exploring with BDSM and submission long before my Daddy. When we got together he knew of it and was willing to explore with me. It took many MANY years before we were able to do it full time. Eight years actually. We were never in the right place in our life for the lifestyle to work out for us. Though it didn't mess up our relationship at all. Give your partner time. Let him explore at his own pace. Given his background you should be grateful that he's willing to try for you. It may take awhile but if you really love this man you'd be willing to wait while he works on being the Dom you want/need. Best of luck to you both, | |
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| winter_green | Posted: 2009-07-01 02:16 | |
| Forum Newbie United States 72 Posts | My situation is very similar, except I'm married and my husband knows that I roleplay online. I've tried (and continue to try) to be as open and honest with him as possible and to my great surprise and relief, he's fine with me exploring these realms on my own that he simply has no interest in. Perhaps if you talk to this man you are in love with and explain things to him in an open and honest way, he'll reciprocate. Tell him about the online Dom. It's bad enough to feel guilty about being a submissive only to have the added guilt that you're hiding your playtime online from him. Talking about it may inspire him to put forth some serious effort into exploring his dominant nature (if there is any at all) which could lead to a couple of things happening. He'll either discover that he is a natural dominant and is comfortable being one for you, or he'll discover it's just simply not what he is about. If the former occurs, that's just great, yay! If the latter occurs, as it did with me, either he'll lengthen the fluffy pink I love you leash long enough for you to explore on your own with someone else or he won't. Both of those have their own trials, tribulations, and rewards involved and I'm still working through a lot of this myself. I wish us both not only luck, but a whole lot of wisdom and understanding along this thorny but fragrant path. ps - you said you were afraid to talk to him, don't be. Be much more afraid of letting the years slip by while you (and probably him, too) suffer silently. Edited by - winter_green on 2009-07-01 02:20:58 Edited by - winter_green on 2009-07-01 02:21:28 | |
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| winter_green | Posted: 2009-07-01 02:19 | |
| Forum Newbie United States 72 Posts | _Ghost: And for God sakes, if you can't be sure you can commit to one person, stay as far from poly relationships as possible. Those require MORE commitment, despite most people's belief that it requires less. "...by the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny, little moments." (nice sig haha) Ghost, this is so true. I'm not in a polystate (is that a word?) right now but have edged towards it on several different fronts and I must say that it does take a lot of discernment (to make sure the person isn't feeling neglected/ignored) and affection to make more than one person very, very happy. Luckily, I have both of those things in abundance. | |
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| daddyslilone | Posted: 2009-07-01 05:01 | |
Forum Maniac United States 4,475 Posts | there's a price to be made for our choices... you want your vanilla boyfriend and a lover on the side. what are you willing to give up in return to get your desires fullfilled? in more cases than not, it will end up being the boyfriend, and the lover won't meet your emotional needs, so you'll eventually give him up as well... just don't forget, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. within the arms of weakness is strength, eager to burst free. within the grasp of pain is pleasure, waiting just to be. and within the path of obstacles lies opportunity...(The Princess Who Believed in Fairy Tales) | |
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| Sol | Posted: 2009-07-01 05:43 | |
Forum Maniac United States 3,241 Posts | The old adage, honesty is the best policy is a good one. Not to say I have alays been perfectly honest. We all have our Misgivings and Misdemeanors, and sometimes our misgivings and that uncertainty lead to the misdemeanors. Being honest can be hard, but if you love him, maybe it is the best thing, so get it over with. You have to look at your relationship and the impact and perhaps make a difficult choice. -- Folsom Fringe '08, September 26-28, San Jose. Learn, play, see kinky stuff at the Folsom Street Fair Reflections of a Dominant Sol (Your mileage may vary) | |
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| veryhotwitch | Posted: 2009-07-01 07:26 | |
Forum Maniac United States 5,387 Posts | klutzynutzy: Most of my relationships end because I am afraid of ending up cheating on the person I'm with, and then I start dating the person I was afraid of cheating with. Because of this, for the last 2-3 years I have been identifying myself (if asked about it) as polygamous instead of monogamous. serial monogamy is not the same as being poly. dishonesty also should not be a factor, and yet you seem to make a habit of it. both to yourself and your partners. A friend of mine I have recently come back into contact and I am afraid to ask my boyfriend about this though, lather, rinse, repeat. recognize a pattern? you've lived within a relationship revolving door all your life -- one of your own devising. you're pushing the door another cycle AGAIN. if you truly cannot imagine your life without this new guy, give your on-line demon king the heave-ho. vanilla-man cares enough about you and your desire for kink to overcome his personal history and societal conditioning. that doesn't happen overnight and somebody who cares that much for you doesn't come along everyday. or do what you always do and run in the opposite direction. and i am afraid i'll start liking my friend over my boyfriend. witchy -- words ought to be a little wild for they are the assault on the unthinking. ~~j.m. keynes | |
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| Papka | Posted: 2009-07-01 08:00 | |
I love Hbo1 Canada 550 Posts | You're 21 years old. Finish school (if you're still in school) and focus on getting YOUR life together first. Date, have fun. What's all this about long term, comitted relationships at 21?? Learn everything YOU need to know about yourself (it's a lifetime process, and learn more about bdsm and your desires). This is a time for you to be selfish, not settle down at 21. | |
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| The_Ineffable | Posted: 2009-07-01 09:12 | |
Forum Initiate United States 10 Posts | I can certainly empathize with your boyfriend. I grew up around a lot of domestic violence myself. Discovering that I liked some of the sadistic physical elements of playing was hard to come to terms with at first, and I was very afraid that it meant I'd end up like my parents. What I ended up doing was going around those elements for a long time, focusing instead on other 'physical' parts of playing, like bondage. Eventually, I came back to the sadistic stuff after having embraced other aspects of BDSM, and realizing that as long as your head and heart are in the right place, it's all good. Give your man time, and try to work with him on it - he may come around, too. It's encouraging that he is interested, and it could be the start of a good journey for the both of you. Maybe find other stuff you're both curious about or into, and go from there. Take it slow, and in between playing be sure to give each other feedback on what's working, what's not, etc. I'd probably drop the online relationship for now though. It's going to be a pretty vulnerable period for your boyfriend (and possibly for you as well), while he's learning and trying out all this new stuff. If he were to find out about the other guy, even if it's just online/flirting, it may make him retreat on that, and feel like he's not 'good enough' for the role. And who knows, maybe you'll find what you'd been missing in past relationships and get that much closer with your boyfriend. Whatever you decide to do though, make sure you're up front with everyone involved. My personal feelings on 'open' relationships aside, if you're going to do anything 'extra', having open, honest, and upfront communication is paramount in my experience. My 2 cents for what it's worth. | |
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