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Author	Topic
Little_Apple_Girl	Posted: 2009-07-03 00:06
Forum Initiate Canada 9 Posts	My partner and I are interested in developing a d/s relationship. We're in a spot of "stuck". We both want it, but not much is happening. I believe part of it is due to some feelings of resentment on my half. Although there wasn't an indiscretion on his behalf, some of his actions triggered old insecurities; and the deep feelings I once had for him, have now lessened. I feel a wall is up; and it's very difficult to maneuver around it. We've spoken in great detail about trust. He's appologized for his insensitive choices. Apart from "time healing all wounds", I would appreciate some suggestions and/or examples on how I can move past this. Perhaps I need to be asking some concrete questions from him; but can't seem to formulate them on my own. And, when moving into a d/s relationship. what type of questions should we be asking one another. (He is dominant, and I am submissive. I have a little more knowledge and experience than he does). We have the vanilla part of our relationship pretty much established...I am just having difficulties now "giving myself over" to the d/s part. I feel I'm reserved, sarcastic, and becoming detached. This is not what I want. I feel his frustration too. We are both comitted to working at our relationship. Breaking up is not an option; because although I'm in this "stuck" phase, we both feel our relationship is worth the effort to repair and build upon. All help, advice, examples and suggestions are appreciated.

NASHVILLEDOM	Posted: 2009-07-03 01:07
Liberal Dragon Slayer United States 37,001 Posts	What did he do since you alluded that he didn't cheat? Sounds like you are the kind of woman that can't forget/forgive and eventually you will destroy the relationship. Already you killed part of it by your own words. There is nothing anyone can say to change how you feel. nd -- LIVE THE LIFESTYLE NOT FOR IT At the hot one when I remember to check it. Socialism works until they run out of other peoples money to spend. Margeret Thatcher.

Dkyle	Posted: 2009-07-03 01:59
Forum Maniac United States 3,749 Posts	There may be a reason why you settled into a vanilla (I hate that term, but it will have to do) relationship in the first place. Compatibility is never unbounded -- just because you establish a successful vanilla relationship doesn't mean the D/s side has to work. Sometimes, that's just the way it goes. --David -- Whenever death may surprise us, let it be welcome if our battle cry has reached even one receptive ear and another hand reaches out to take up our arms. -- Che Guevara

NinjaProphet	Posted: 2009-07-03 03:15
A/v chat mod & forum Moderator United States 8,624 Posts	Little_Apple_Girl: "... Although there wasn't an indiscretion on his behalf, some of his actions triggered old insecurities; and the deep feelings I once had for him, have now lessened. I feel a wall is up; and it's very difficult to maneuver around it..." Why is he apologizing for YOUR old insecurities?? These issues are yours. Nothing he can say or not say will help that. Eventually, he'll do something else that triggers them. He'll end up with a long list of things he cannot do in order to remain with you. Deal with your past.... blog post I read somewhere Love is always in the moment. Never in the past or future The love of the past brought me to today....sometimes in very painful ways. But the love of the past only exists in my memory of it. The love of the future is based on my ideas and fantasies of how love "should" be. I run from one, toward the other and I trample the real love present in my life today. He'll end up feeling like he's in a box. -- Still a bastard.... ~Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ~

Mistress_Dez	Posted: 2009-07-03 03:28
Forum Regular United States 879 Posts	Maybe a 24/7 D/s relationship is just not for you two. If your already having issues you do not need major changes other than trying to work your issues out together. -- You either take it all or reverse roles. If You choose to reverse roles....You better be fucking good at it.

aslandia	Posted: 2009-07-03 05:13
Life Is Music United States 8,133 Posts	Little_Apple_Girl: I feel I'm reserved, sarcastic, and becoming detached. This is not what I want. The first step in most self improvement is admitting there is an issue/problem. You've done that here. I'm willing to bet that once you wrote that and hit the 'post' button you felt a bit of relief? Let's take them one at a time. Reserved. How can you improve that? Be more outgoing? This might not be easy but it surely can be worked on and improved upon. Sarcastic? Stop it. The bottom line is it really is just that easy. Stop it. It does no good to anyone and can be very detrimental to a close relationship. Detached. That's a tough one cause it's not necessarily an emotion you can control. In fact I'm willing to bet if you work on the first two and move in a positive direction this third one will resolve itself all on it's own. I wish you the best. -- ~ Practice random acts of kindness ~Love is that condition in the human spirit so profound that it allows me to survive, and better than that, to thrive with passion, compassion, and style. ~ Maya Angelou

NinjaProphet	Posted: 2009-07-03 05:23
A/v chat mod & forum Moderator United States 8,624 Posts	*nods Detached is a result of all the other feelings and issues, not a feeling in and of itself. -- Still a bastard.... ~Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ~

veryhotwitch	Posted: 2009-07-03 06:41
Forum Maniac United States 5,385 Posts	you are responsible for your feelings -- not him. he didn't do something, and you're angry and hurt anyway. he didn't fuck around (assuming that's what you mean by indiscretion" and yet you're still poking him in the eye. does that sound rational or loving to you? how do you think he is feeling right now? roasted over the coals for the sins of another? people cling to old resentments and old wounds as a weird sort of security blanket. your defenses remain up, and you never dismantle the wall. going around it, as you wrote, shouldn't be the aim. you want to demolish it. if you don't it will continue to block your emotional progress and keep partners at bay. whatever he did not do, you're now blackmailing him emotionally. "you hurt my feelings, you're a bad man." unless you break that pattern of blaming others for your feelings, you will always find something to be unhappy about. people have this bizarre notion about not getting hurt. thinking that somehow it's possible to live in this soft cocoon of pain-free joy. those who love us don't hurt us intentionally, and if they do something rash or stupid, often go out of their way to protect us. let go of the fear. why are you making him pay for something somebody else did in the past. why haven't you released that yet? your resentment, sarcasm and emotional removal are all tools of control. what you are not doing is controlling yourself. until you get that house in order, saying you want to be submissive to him is just that: talk. witchy -- words ought to be a little wild for they are the assault on the unthinking. ~~j.m. keynes

neo10	Posted: 2009-07-03 07:45
Forum Maniac United States 7,989 Posts	Fear of pain is the biggest hurdle to personal growth that anyone can face. This detached cocoon like state that we wrap ourselves in is a total waste of time. I know I've been there. The stupidity of this is that you are more in fear, and living with the fear of what if, than if you let go and open yourself up to what the universe chucks your way. We cannot insulate ourselves from pain. Life has too many inconsistencies and surprises along the way. We also will never find a partner that will never hurt us. They are human and fallible and not prescient and do stupid things. The best we can do when this happens is draw back as you have done, take time to heal and then let go and get back on the horse. Otherwise you spend your life as an emotional cripple and that in my opinion is much worse than being hurt by a third party. The problem with emotional cripples is that they are their own worst enemy. They self-inflict pain every day just the way a cutter does. You are destroying your own relationship inch by inch so choose what is it to be, healthy or dying? Forgive him, forgive your past and get on with your relationship or get the hell out. -- I don't want power to be simply exchanged; I want to rip it from her body ~ HardTop I win, is the bottom line. It is understood from the outset ~ HardTop

Celeste43	Posted: 2009-07-03 20:19
Forum Maniac United States 11,059 Posts	You need to talk more frankly and openly about things. He didn't cheat, hurrah for him. But did he get emotionally involved with someone else? Does he ignore you in groups while he flirts with every other woman? Because these kinds of things can be just as bad as actually having sex with someone else. If you can't trust him because of what he does, and he doesn't see anything wrong with what he does - then you just aren't compatible. Maybe you would be better off with someone who doesn't need to have every other woman looking at him. If he knowingly does things to trigger your feelings that he can't be trusted, then your reserve is a safety mechanism. Time, and him proving that he is the man he claims to be is the only way to trust him again. -- There is no should to the human heart. Salud y amor y tiempo para disfrutarlo PB's girl

onesassylassy	Posted: 2009-07-03 22:36
Forum Maniac United States 3,398 Posts	It's been said before - I'll just reiterate it. Back up, deal with your own stuff, forgive him for whatever it is you imagine he did, and make a habit of that, btw!, because it will happen. Frequently. He will hurt you, usually without having a clue how - you will need to forgive him. Understand that you are doing it to him, too - just in different ways. You need to learn to trust that he is not out to harm you, any more than you are out to harm him. Then, once you've got your stuff together, and forgiven both of you... start out again. Lather, rinse, repeat - as often as necessary. Edited by - onesassylassy on 2009-07-03 22:49:49

vegassongbird	Posted: 2009-07-04 01:23
Forum Apprentice United States 277 Posts	....Then again, consider running away from your problems. I mean, fuck all this puritanical communication shit. Book a hotel, ban all meaningful chat for 48 hours, buy him something classy to thrash your sullen ass with. See how you feel. 'Works about one time three. Better odds then couples therapy. -- When I'm sad, she comes to me Take anything that you want, anything. '"Little Wing" by Jimi Hendrix

pretty_whore	Posted: 2009-07-04 05:12
Forum Regular United States 626 Posts	NinjaProphet: Little_Apple_Girl: "... Although there wasn't an indiscretion on his behalf, some of his actions triggered old insecurities; and the deep feelings I once had for him, have now lessened. I feel a wall is up; and it's very difficult to maneuver around it..." Why is he apologizing for YOUR old insecurities?? These issues are yours. Nothing he can say or not say will help that. Eventually, he'll do something else that triggers them. He'll end up with a long list of things he cannot do in order to remain with you. Deal with your past.... blog post I read somewhere Love is always in the moment. Never in the past or future The love of the past brought me to today....sometimes in very painful ways. But the love of the past only exists in my memory of it. The love of the future is based on my ideas and fantasies of how love "should" be. I run from one, toward the other and I trample the real love present in my life today. He'll end up feeling like he's in a box. -- Still a bastard.... ~Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ~ Yep.

hotjello	Posted: 2009-07-04 05:49
Forum Regular United States 796 Posts	I don't see how the two go together, wanting a D/s relationship and feeling stuck and resentful in a vanilla relationship. Whatever transpired to make you feel this way, as most everyone has said, is your problem, not his. You can change these feelings if you come to understand what it is that is pissing you off and why you need to hold onto these feelings, though you don't tell us what he did that was so negative to you. You sound like a long suffering woman who is holding a grudge and can't get beyond it. You'll never get into a D/s sort of thing if you can't get beyond what you're harboring now in a vanilla relationship. D/s relationships take absolute trust in your partner and you don't have that right now. It takes time to heal, this is true, but you also need to get at the bottom of what is ailing you and work that out. That he stays with you while you keep your distance is proof that he's in for the count, are you?

Baronslair	Posted: 2009-07-04 10:18
Forum Maniac United States 6,605 Posts	You need to address and solve previous conflicts from your vanilla relationship before experimenting now with D/s.If either of you are unable to work out past issues....things will follow that same path and crash and burn in D/s even faster.

spankslut	Posted: 2009-07-04 20:43
Forum Maniac United States 4,321 Posts	oh man, do i know this topic well. being self aware is important. it can be hard to determine wether or not youre responding to instincts regarding his behaviors, versus reacting to wrongs done to you in the past by others. the reality we approach TODAY with is formed by experiences we've had in the past. be fluid. be patient. try nopt to react emotionally to any one thing... sometimes you have to let it simmer and stew in your brain and your feelings settle enough so that your brain can work. be communicative, but learn how to self edit and choose your battles. see above. make him aware of what issues you have, and ask for his patience... but dont test it too very much. no one likes to have to constantly feel as though they are proving themselves. no one likes to feel as if their chosen partner doesnt have faith in their character. most importantly? take him as you know him. dont assume that he is the same as those who have come before him. it takes time to truly know someone, and you cant judge him for one misunderstanding any more than you hesitate to acknowledge repeat behaviors that hurt you. its a hard line to walk, as we never want to be hurt as we have been in the past due to our own refusual to see red flags.... but if you stay calm, take one encounter and one day at a time, and dont rush to any one conclusion, you might find yourself with a man who deserves the very best that you have. -- I could go BOOM! at anytime

Author

Topic

Little_Apple_Girl

Posted: 2009-07-03 00:06

Forum Initiate

Canada
9 Posts

My partner and I are interested in developing a d/s relationship. We're in a spot of "stuck". We both want it, but not much is happening. I believe part of it is due to some feelings of resentment on my half. Although there wasn't an indiscretion on his behalf, some of his actions triggered old insecurities; and the deep feelings I once had for him, have now lessened. I feel a wall is up; and it's very difficult to maneuver around it.

We've spoken in great detail about trust. He's appologized for his insensitive choices. Apart from "time healing all wounds", I would appreciate some suggestions and/or examples on how I can move past this. Perhaps I need to be asking some concrete questions from him; but can't seem to formulate them on my own.

And, when moving into a d/s relationship. what type of questions should we be asking one another. (He is dominant, and I am submissive. I have a little more knowledge and experience than he does). We have the vanilla part of our relationship pretty much established...I am just having difficulties now "giving myself over" to the d/s part. I feel I'm reserved, sarcastic, and becoming detached. This is not what I want. I feel his frustration too.

We are both comitted to working at our relationship. Breaking up is not an option; because although I'm in this "stuck" phase, we both feel our relationship is worth the effort to repair and build upon.

All help, advice, examples and suggestions are appreciated.

NASHVILLEDOM

Posted: 2009-07-03 01:07

Liberal Dragon Slayer

United States
37,001 Posts

What did he do since you alluded that he didn't cheat?

Sounds like you are the kind of woman that can't forget/forgive and eventually you will destroy the relationship. Already you killed part of it by your own words. There is nothing anyone can say to change how you feel.

nd
--

LIVE THE LIFESTYLE NOT FOR IT

At the hot one when I remember to check it.

Socialism works until they run out of other peoples money to spend. Margeret Thatcher.

Dkyle

Posted: 2009-07-03 01:59

Forum Maniac

United States
3,749 Posts

There may be a reason why you settled into a vanilla (I hate that term, but it will have to do) relationship in the first place. Compatibility is never unbounded -- just because you establish a successful vanilla relationship doesn't mean the D/s side has to work. Sometimes, that's just the way it goes.

--David
--

Whenever death may surprise us, let it be welcome if our battle cry has reached even one receptive ear and another hand reaches out to take up our arms. -- Che Guevara

NinjaProphet

Posted: 2009-07-03 03:15

A/v chat mod & forum
Moderator

United States
8,624 Posts

Little_Apple_Girl:
"... Although there wasn't an indiscretion on his behalf, some of his actions triggered old insecurities; and the deep feelings I once had for him, have now lessened. I feel a wall is up; and it's very difficult to maneuver around it..."

Why is he apologizing for YOUR old insecurities?? These issues are yours. Nothing he can say or not say will help that.

Eventually, he'll do something else that triggers them. He'll end up with a long list of things he cannot do in order to remain with you.

Deal with your past....

blog post I read somewhere
Love is always in the moment. Never in the past or future

The love of the past brought me to today....sometimes in very painful ways. But the love of the past only exists in my memory of it.

The love of the future is based on my ideas and fantasies of how love "should" be.

I run from one, toward the other and I trample the real love present in my life today.

He'll end up feeling like he's in a box.
--

Still a bastard....

~Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ~

Mistress_Dez

Posted: 2009-07-03 03:28

Forum Regular

United States
879 Posts

Maybe a 24/7 D/s relationship is just not for you two.
If your already having issues you do not need major changes other than trying to work your issues out together.
--

You either take it all or reverse roles. If You choose to reverse roles....You better be fucking good at it.

aslandia

Posted: 2009-07-03 05:13

Life Is Music

United States
8,133 Posts

Little_Apple_Girl:
I feel I'm reserved, sarcastic, and becoming detached. This is not what I want.

The first step in most self improvement is admitting there is an issue/problem. You've done that here. I'm willing to bet that once you wrote that and hit the 'post' button you felt a bit of relief?

Let's take them one at a time.

Reserved. How can you improve that? Be more outgoing? This might not be easy but it surely can be worked on and improved upon.

Sarcastic? Stop it. The bottom line is it really is just that easy. Stop it. It does no good to anyone and can be very detrimental to a close relationship.

Detached. That's a tough one cause it's not necessarily an emotion you can control. In fact I'm willing to bet if you work on the first two and move in a positive direction this third one will resolve itself all on it's own.

I wish you the best.
--

~ Practice random acts of kindness ~Love is that condition in the human spirit so profound that it allows me to survive, and better than that, to thrive with passion, compassion, and style. ~ Maya Angelou

NinjaProphet

Posted: 2009-07-03 05:23

A/v chat mod & forum
Moderator

United States
8,624 Posts

***nods**

Detached is a result of all the other feelings and issues, not a feeling in and of itself.
--

Still a bastard....

~Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ~

veryhotwitch

Posted: 2009-07-03 06:41

Forum Maniac

United States
5,385 Posts

you are responsible for your feelings -- not him. he didn't do something, and you're angry and hurt anyway.

he didn't fuck around (assuming that's what you mean by indiscretion" and yet you're still poking him in the eye. does that sound rational or loving to you? how do you think he is feeling right now? roasted over the coals for the sins of another?

people cling to old resentments and old wounds as a weird sort of security blanket. your defenses remain up, and you never dismantle the wall. going around it, as you wrote, shouldn't be the aim. you want to demolish it. if you don't it will continue to block your emotional progress and keep partners at bay.

whatever he did not do, you're now blackmailing him emotionally. "you hurt my feelings, you're a bad man." unless you break that pattern of blaming others for your feelings, you will always find something to be unhappy about.

people have this bizarre notion about not getting hurt. thinking that somehow it's possible to live in this soft cocoon of pain-free joy. those who love us don't hurt us intentionally, and if they do something rash or stupid, often go out of their way to protect us.

let go of the fear.

why are you making him pay for something somebody else did in the past. why haven't you released that yet?

your resentment, sarcasm and emotional removal are all tools of control.

what you are not doing is controlling yourself. until you get that house in order, saying you want to be submissive to him is just that: talk.

witchy
--

words ought to be a little wild for they are the assault on the unthinking.
~~j.m. keynes

neo10

Posted: 2009-07-03 07:45

Forum Maniac

United States
7,989 Posts

Fear of pain is the biggest hurdle to personal growth that anyone can face.

This detached cocoon like state that we wrap ourselves in is a total waste of time. I know I've been there. The stupidity of this is that you are more in fear, and living with the fear of what if, than if you let go and open yourself up to what the universe chucks your way.

We cannot insulate ourselves from pain. Life has too many inconsistencies and surprises along the way. We also will never find a partner that will never hurt us. They are human and fallible and not prescient and do stupid things. The best we can do when this happens is draw back as you have done, take time to heal and then let go and get back on the horse.

Otherwise you spend your life as an emotional cripple and that in my opinion is much worse than being hurt by a third party. The problem with emotional cripples is that they are their own worst enemy. They self-inflict pain every day just the way a cutter does.

You are destroying your own relationship inch by inch so choose what is it to be, healthy or dying? Forgive him, forgive your past and get on with your relationship or get the hell out.

I don't want power to be simply exchanged; I want to rip it from her body ~ HardTop
I win, is the bottom line. It is understood from the outset ~ HardTop

Celeste43

Posted: 2009-07-03 20:19

Forum Maniac

United States
11,059 Posts

You need to talk more frankly and openly about things.
He didn't cheat, hurrah for him. But did he get emotionally involved with someone else? Does he ignore you in groups while he flirts with every other woman? Because these kinds of things can be just as bad as actually having sex with someone else.

If you can't trust him because of what he does, and he doesn't see anything wrong with what he does - then you just aren't compatible.
Maybe you would be better off with someone who doesn't need to have every other woman looking at him.

If he knowingly does things to trigger your feelings that he can't be trusted, then your reserve is a safety mechanism. Time, and him proving that he is the man he claims to be is the only way to trust him again.
--

There is no should to the human heart.
Salud y amor y tiempo para disfrutarlo
PB's girl

onesassylassy

Posted: 2009-07-03 22:36

Forum Maniac

United States
3,398 Posts

It's been said before - I'll just reiterate it.

Back up, deal with your own stuff, forgive him for whatever it is you imagine he did, and make a habit of that, btw!, because it will happen. Frequently. He will hurt you, usually without having a clue how - you will need to forgive him. Understand that you are doing it to him, too - just in different ways. You need to learn to trust that he is not out to harm you, any more than you are out to harm him. Then, once you've got your stuff together, and forgiven both of you... start out again.

Lather, rinse, repeat - as often as necessary.

Edited by - onesassylassy on 2009-07-03 22:49:49

vegassongbird

Posted: 2009-07-04 01:23

Forum Apprentice

United States
277 Posts

....Then again, consider running away from your problems. I mean, fuck all this puritanical communication shit.

Book a hotel, ban all meaningful chat for 48 hours, buy him something classy to thrash your sullen ass with. See how you feel.

'Works about one time three. Better odds then couples therapy.
--

When I'm sad, she comes to me
Take anything that you want, anything.
'"Little Wing" by Jimi Hendrix

pretty_whore

Posted: 2009-07-04 05:12

Forum Regular

United States
626 Posts

NinjaProphet:

Why is he apologizing for YOUR old insecurities?? These issues are yours. Nothing he can say or not say will help that.

Eventually, he'll do something else that triggers them. He'll end up with a long list of things he cannot do in order to remain with you.

Deal with your past....

blog post I read somewhere
Love is always in the moment. Never in the past or future

The love of the past brought me to today....sometimes in very painful ways. But the love of the past only exists in my memory of it.

The love of the future is based on my ideas and fantasies of how love "should" be.

I run from one, toward the other and I trample the real love present in my life today.

He'll end up feeling like he's in a box.
--

Still a bastard....

~Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ~

Yep.

hotjello

Posted: 2009-07-04 05:49

Forum Regular

United States
796 Posts

I don't see how the two go together, wanting a D/s relationship and feeling stuck and resentful in a vanilla relationship. Whatever transpired to make you feel this way, as most everyone has said, is your problem, not his. You can change these feelings if you come to understand what it is that is pissing you off and why you need to hold onto these feelings, though you don't tell us what he did that was so negative to you. You sound like a long suffering woman who is holding a grudge and can't get beyond it. You'll never get into a D/s sort of thing if you can't get beyond what you're harboring now in a vanilla relationship. D/s relationships take absolute trust in your partner and you don't have that right now. It takes time to heal, this is true, but you also need to get at the bottom of what is ailing you and work that out. That he stays with you while you keep your distance is proof that he's in for the count, are you?

Baronslair

Posted: 2009-07-04 10:18

Forum Maniac

United States
6,605 Posts

You need to address and solve previous conflicts from your vanilla relationship before experimenting now with D/s.If either of you are unable to work out past issues....things will follow that same path
and crash and burn in D/s even faster.

spankslut

Posted: 2009-07-04 20:43

Forum Maniac

United States
4,321 Posts

oh man, do i know this topic well.

being self aware is important. it can be hard to determine wether or not youre responding to instincts regarding his behaviors, versus reacting to wrongs done to you in the past by others.

the reality we approach TODAY with is formed by experiences we've had in the past.

be fluid. be patient. try nopt to react emotionally to any one thing... sometimes you have to let it simmer and stew in your brain and your feelings settle enough so that your brain can work.

be communicative, but learn how to self edit and choose your battles. see above.

make him aware of what issues you have, and ask for his patience... but dont test it too very much. no one likes to have to constantly feel as though they are proving themselves. no one likes to feel as if their chosen partner doesnt have faith in their character.

most importantly? take him as you know him. dont assume that he is the same as those who have come before him.

it takes time to truly know someone, and you cant judge him for one misunderstanding any more than you hesitate to acknowledge repeat behaviors that hurt you.

its a hard line to walk, as we never want to be hurt as we have been in the past due to our own refusual to see red flags.... but if you stay calm, take one encounter and one day at a time, and dont rush to any one conclusion, you might find yourself with a man who deserves the very best that you have.

I could go BOOM! at anytime
_wink

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