Bondage Forums

I am currently a single male dom who has had probably minimal experience with subs. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and been to one club "Bondage A Go Go". Now I think I may be a contradiction, but i am pretty reserved(stand in the corner and observing) when around others that I don't know, but the oposite when around people I know.

So now that i have rambled a little. my problem is I don't know how to approach or involve myself in the group activities. let alone find someone around here to give me a foot in. who I should look for, how to approach respectivly, that kind of stuff.

I'm not sure what else to include, please let me know what else i should include on this post.

I'd like to say thanks for reading over my post and thanks to all who decide to respond.

I suggest to treat the situation by being honest about your abilities and open about wanting to learn new things. You may be surprised to discover how many people on both sides of the Dom/sub scene will be willing to help.

Don't let your inexperience be a crutch that holds you back. Socialize with people, get to know others in the scene. Take advantages of opportunities to learn but don't take advantage of people.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to build a reputation as being a great guy, the fun person to hang around with and the guy that has never given a sub a reason to safe word. Word travels fast in small communities, if you build a positive reputation early you'll have no trouble meeting people and having people respond when you express interest in something you want to learn.

The short version, get your feet wet by getting to know people. If seem like a great person the people you meet will steer you to other great people, or steer other quality people to you.

Ape
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Hi Corey,

You're welcome to contact me directly and talk about these things any time. Though I always feel like I'm in a constant state of learning and never qualified to "teach" anything, that's just how I am.

I can't say when I'll be out next. Believe it or not, I actually set my calendar to give me an alarm every Wednesday afternoon and remind me to go to BAGG, and I am usually feeling so behind with work that I rarely actually go. So I intend to go this Wednesday, and probably won't make it.

I think going to the Citadel and going to classes is great, because even if you don't know anyone, you'll learn something, and hopefully start making acquaintances.

If you go to Burning Man, there's always 4 or more BDSM camps and classes and performances almost every day and night. And that is a very relaxed social atmosphere.

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Edited by - Abductor on 2009-07-04 22:23:52

You could also try fetlife as they have specific groups for the Bay area as well as the Citadel and you can get to know your neighbors.


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Admitting that you are new and observing is a big plus. There are far too many showing up cold at events with toy bags the size of their egos. Those around you notice such things. (I assure you, they do!) The danger is assuming these events are somehow on a higher plane so that special rules apply.

Pretend you are on the first few days at a new job; or the first few matches of a tennis club; or the new kid at the local softball team.

Take time to learn people’s names. Take time to let them know you. Enjoy watching and don’t intrude. People come to you. You ask them questions. Develop relationships.

It takes time.

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Generally education classes and conferences are very inviting and tend to have less politics and cliquishness some socials have. Not that munches et all are a bad idea. Also in this environment you learn and share with the others in the classes. Instructors are teaching what they love and often are willing to answer general questions you may have after classes and are also usually well connected in the community if you choose to ingratiate yourself to them. Provided you are not a pain in the ass that is.

The Citadel has regular and really good classes and also a peer bondage event monthly if that is something you are interested. Edges Dungeon also have these activities in San Jose. The Folsom Fringe is a great conference in San Jose area September 25th through 27th and has two days with over 40 classes, two large dungeon parties, and then luxury buses to the Folsom Street Fair on Sunday, which is an experience unto itself.
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