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VenimousPosted: 2009-07-04 20:50
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Forum Regular

United States
966 Posts		First, let me start off that I try to communicate clearly my boundaries and expectations, but more than once I have had the other party be less than honest about theirs. I will give you a few of my failure stories and then ask that you tell me if you have strategies you use to weed these sorts of people out earlier rather than later:

Case #1
Submissive Male. I am very straightforward, explain that I am still learning and would be more than happy to "practice" on him if he is willing to be my guinea pig. He has a significant other, and isn't looking for sex, however as the scene progresses, it becomes apparent that he was less than honest about his expectations on this count. (Thank goodness I am the one in control).

Cast #2
Submissive Male. I am very straightforward, he is looking for a relationship and so am I. I am not interested in a long distance (read: online) relationship, don't do cameras etc. We talk intensively, we plan to meet, we actually do some online stuff (really not my preference) and then days before the meeting is to occur he begs off, then reschedules, then begs off a second time. I understand about getting cold feet, but it appears that all this guy wanted was a long distance relationship but prevaricated and strung me along.

I am not bitter about either one, one was a bit uncomfortable and the other clearly a waste of my time and energy. I know there is no perfect system for weeding out the HNGs, but maybe mine needs work. What I am getting at is asking for some strategies that will help me to better identify HNGs and time wasters who contact me online.

Edited by - Venimous on 2009-07-04 22:56:07

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LouloupePosted: 2009-07-05 10:52
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Forum Maniac

United States
23,453 Posts		You can't do much about the fact that people lie, or in some cases don't know what they want, other than what you are doing which is to recognize it and move on.
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MsCheexPosted: 2009-07-06 00:48
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Forum Maniac

United States
2,454 Posts		It's true that you just learn as you go and eventually hit a keeper, but I established a couple of tenets which made things a little easier. If I was using the internet as a way of meeting him, after say one chat or just two or three email exchanges we would meet in person for coffee or a walk. No hours and hours of email or chatting. That way I could find out whether I felt like taking things further without wasting a lot of his or my time. Not playing the first time usually weeded out the people who just wanted a quick scratch.
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MagdalenePosted: 2009-07-06 07:10
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Forum Maniac

United States
4,211 Posts
MsCheex:
It's true that you just learn as you go and eventually hit a keeper, but I established a couple of tenets which made things a little easier. If I was using the internet as a way of meeting him, after say one chat or just two or three email exchanges we would meet in person for coffee or a walk. No hours and hours of email or chatting. That way I could find out whether I felt like taking things further without wasting a lot of his or my time. Not playing the first time usually weeded out the people who just wanted a quick scratch.


I agree with this advice. This is what actually seemed to work for me as a sub looking for a Dom.

Magdalene

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dhalialilyPosted: 2009-07-06 08:14
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Forum Apprentice

United States
156 Posts
MistressMiranda:
You can't do much about the fact that people lie, or in some cases don't know what they want, other than what you are doing which is to recognize it and move on.

I second this statement.

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NASHVILLEDOMPosted: 2009-07-06 08:35
Picture of
Liberal Dragon Slayer

United States
37,115 Posts
Venimous:


Cast #2
Submissive Male. I am very straightforward, he is looking for a relationship and so am I. I am not interested in a long distance (read: online) relationship, don't do cameras etc. We talk intensively, we plan to meet, we actually do some online stuff (really not my preference) and then days before the meeting is to occur he begs off, then reschedules, then begs off a second time. I understand about getting cold feet, but it appears that all this guy wanted was a long distance relationship but prevaricated and strung me along.


He toped you and beat you at your own game.

If you don't do online don't do it.


--


LIVE THE LIFESTYLE NOT FOR IT

At the hot one when I remember to check it.

Socialism works until they run out of other peoples money to spend. Margeret Thatcher.

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pensivePosted: 2009-07-06 09:18
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Forum Maniac

Premium Member

United States
5,860 Posts		back up a bit.

in your profile you say you are switch
but are looking for a totally submissive
partner.

either change one or the other.

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DrInTheHousePosted: 2009-07-06 10:40
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569.42
Moderator

Forum Moderator

United States
2,697 Posts		In the first case, are you surprised that a man (a person, actually) would LIE to obtain sex? No disrespect intended, but I figured out that folks will lie to get sex around grade 8. No cure, really, but take more time to get to know folks. Bad behaviour will eventually come out over time, or the flip side of that is people who are sincere will be much more patient than players.
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onesassylassyPosted: 2009-07-06 11:01
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Forum Maniac

United States
3,398 Posts
Magdalene:

MsCheex:
It's true that you just learn as you go and eventually hit a keeper, but I established a couple of tenets which made things a little easier. If I was using the internet as a way of meeting him, after say one chat or just two or three email exchanges we would meet in person for coffee or a walk. No hours and hours of email or chatting. That way I could find out whether I felt like taking things further without wasting a lot of his or my time. Not playing the first time usually weeded out the people who just wanted a quick scratch.


I agree with this advice. This is what actually seemed to work for me as a sub looking for a Dom.

Magdalene


Ditto.
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BaronslairPosted: 2009-07-06 11:53
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Forum Maniac

Premium Member

United States
6,695 Posts		Their track record in the vanilla world holds the answers.I continually mention this in the forums,but many tops don't do the
required homework.You must know who they are in vanilla before getting involved in D/s!.
The Baron
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VenimousPosted: 2009-07-06 21:28
Picture of
Forum Regular

United States
966 Posts
back up a bit.

in your profile you say you are switch
but are looking for a totally submissive
partner.

either change one or the other.


Not that I like allowing you to derail my own topic, but if you had actually bothered to read anything in profile you would have seen that I do *not* switch with the same person. IF I decide to play the submissive role, that is totally separate and that I envision any long term relationship having myself as the Dominant role.

This is why previously I didn't identify myself as a switch, because for a site that espouses to encourage everyone's personal kinks, I get a heaping helping of shit sandwich from people like you because I am a switch.

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r_danielPosted: 2009-07-06 23:23
Forum Initiate

United States
5 Posts		Since the use of switch came up above, question from a new guy to the scene. I labeled myself as switch because I don't want to close myself off to possibilities before I know more about myself. I think I'd like to be a sub, but I don't want to presume to know everything before I've tried anything, especially since I'm curious about everything.

Does that sound like a mistake? Should I label myself differently to start?


Regarding the filtering of people, or not wasting your time, I'm a huge advocate of trusting your intuition, and setting up situations to test it that don't cost too much personally. Open scenarios or questions work better for me than pointed and specific questions or angles. When I interview potential employees, I let them do 90% of the talking. I'll bet your initial 20 second intuition is correct more often than not.

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GryphonGrrlPosted: 2009-07-06 23:35
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Forum Maniac

United States
2,129 Posts		With number 2, if you caved and did the online thing, though you didn't want to, then you got yourself in trouble.

If you are the one in control, why did you do something that didn't excite you? Why did you do something you didn't want.

Being straightforward isn't enough. You have to stick to your guns as well.

No one wants a pushover.
--


~I put the "cute" in execute!~
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VenimousPosted: 2009-07-07 07:09
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Forum Regular

United States
966 Posts
If you are the one in control, why did you do something that didn't excite you? Why did you do something you didn't want.

Curiosity.

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NASHVILLEDOMPosted: 2009-07-07 09:38
Picture of
Liberal Dragon Slayer

United States
37,115 Posts
Venimous:

If you are the one in control, why did you do something that didn't excite you? Why did you do something you didn't want.

Curiosity.


About what?


nd
--


LIVE THE LIFESTYLE NOT FOR IT

At the hot one when I remember to check it.

Socialism works until they run out of other peoples money to spend. Margeret Thatcher.

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VenimousPosted: 2009-07-07 21:26
Picture of
Forum Regular

United States
966 Posts		Gee Nashville I wanted to see if his cock was as big as he said it was. Curiosity killed the cat and all that.
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