Bondage | Please help, seeking advice

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jesterdoll	Posted: 2010-02-08 15:35
Forum Initiate United States 4 Posts	Hello all- My heart is beating rather fast at the moment because I have never posted on a forum before, especially one that involves something seen as an alternative lifestyle. I am not entirely new to bdsm, but I feel that I am having a few problems in making the relationship with my Master work. We are in love, engaged as well. The first problem is that when I first met Him, I had to introduce bdsm to him. He had no idea that anything like it existed. I am afraid that this will introduce problems into our relationship. The second thing is, He wants very much to be a good Master, but He sometimes holds back or doesn't discipline me because He is afraid to hurt me. We live with a roommate, so there are many things that we cannot do within our own home because of the roommate's presence. I want Him to punish me, so I often act out by biting Him or other such things to get his attention. Also, I want Him to apply the bdsm lifestyle outside of sex and the bedroom, and sometimes He does, but usually it evaporates within a few days. Also, I have a collar, but I am afraid to wear it publicly for fear of judgment and criticism. I WANT to wear it, and proudly, but I can't get over the fear. I have always had people judging me growing up, and I don't want it to continue. And yes, I have talked to Him about these things, but it seems like until we manage to get our own place, we will be stuck in this stagnant position. I am afraid of that. I want the relationship to progress. Finally, I am afraid that somehow I am a bad sub, that I am doing something the wrong way. I talked to another Dom a few weeks ago, and she said that I seemed like I was the Dominant in the relationship, and I really am not. It is part of me to be submissive. I never want to dominate. I am extremely confused at the moment, and I didn't know where else to turn for advice like this, because I don't want my Master to be angry with me. If other Masters or even subs could please help me, I would greatly appreciate it. I am nervous that no one will reply. But it seems like there are many good people on this site and I am looking forward to meeting everyone. -Lucky

Dr_M_E_Pain	Posted: 2010-02-08 16:14
Sadistic. United States 2,808 Posts	You sound like someone who is in love with a vanilla guy but wants a BDSM relationship. Thus you have undertaken to 'Top from the bottom' as a way to get this guy to do the things you like. He is not into it and hesitates to go as far as you would like. Speaking as a Dom who had to go through the transition from not hurting women to hurting women intentionally I can say this is not an easy transition to make. It breaks a lot of social rules. You need something fairly strong motivating you, genuine desire. Your man always drifts back to vanilla, because that is what he is. You are making a mistake that is common among women. You have the almost perfect guy if you could just fix one or two things. The mistake is thinking you can fix them. Whether those things are: his desire to lay around on Saturday and watch football, or the fact that he spends every Tuesday with the guys playing cards at a strip joint, or he doesn't have a passion to dance the tango the way you do, or he won't be brutal enough with you during sex or take enough control in your everyday life; you are not going to be able to change them successfully without engendering resentment and hostility. So leave it alone. Be happy if he lowers the toilet seat. Trying to force the issue will turn your relationship to shit. No one is perfect for anyone. Every relationship involves some level of compromise, and only you can decide how much compromise is too much compromise. If you want love, dominance, and sadism you need to find a guy who is wired that way. Otherwise you just have to settle for what you have and stop trying to make it into something it will never be. That way lies heartache. -- About fucking time I changed this.

wanderingcelt	Posted: 2010-02-09 02:11
Forum Apprentice United States 372 Posts	Don't be a good slave. Don't ask him to be a good master. Just love each other in the way you feel moved to. Practice getting to know him better. Practice sharing yourself with him. Practice accepting him as he is. Find the things he does like to do to you. Start there. I used to act up with a girlfriend to provoke her to be more severe. It just scared her. She had some ferocity in her, I wish I had found a way to unlock more of it. The best was when I could accept her taking what she felt comfortable with. Demanding that be more aggressive than she was comfortable with inevitably caused the mood to entirely fizzle.

pensive	Posted: 2010-02-09 06:02
Forum Maniac United States 5,860 Posts	he sounds less like a master than a semi-kinky friend. for him, it's not as deep or permanent or full time as you wish, and he gets distracted. don't worry. if you really like/love him, you only have to be happy together. the parts that are missing may be those you have to work a bit more at to keep on his mind. if i were you, i'd make it a daily topic of conversation, mixed into the normal routine, and focus on what you want and like. he may need to learn your preferences and deeper desires and needs. by the way, why not wear that collar somewhere where the public doesn't see it? an ankle may work or if it's a longer one, around your waist. you two also need more time alone away from the pesky roomie. it would allow you to engage each other. you sound like a caring and real person in your post, not at all a bad sub. just a real person. has he even said or suggested he is mad with you or mad at you? you might be surprised that the only madness is that which you think exists not that which isn't there at all. your fear is working overtime on that part.

g0ne	Posted: 2010-02-09 10:30
Forum Initiate 6 Posts	. Edited by - p0ppet on 2010-02-10 00:09:18

Baronslair	Posted: 2010-02-09 11:07
Forum Maniac United States 6,688 Posts	Not everyone is suited for BDSM no matter if they read the forums or books,it's just the way it is sometimes.I don't know if your guy will make it as a Dom or not.Don't feel that you've done anything wrong if it doesn't happen,some people are better in vanilla relationships and just don't feel the attraction to D/s. The Baron

Magdalene	Posted: 2010-02-09 13:57
Forum Maniac United States 4,211 Posts	I'm confused by many things you say. You introduced him to BDSM. Why do you think that will introduce problems into your relationship? Why can't he punish you because you have a roommate? Is it because you need to be quiet? Um, punishment does not have to be loud. He could make you write sentences, wash your mouth out with soap, ground you, take away privileges, all kinds of things that your roommate would never know about. Why are you stuck in a stagnate place because you have a roommate? I just don't get that. If you are worried about wearing a collar in public, what about getting a necklace or something that would represent a collar but that would be appropriate for vanilla occasions? Magdalene

Freetime28	Posted: 2010-02-09 15:36
Forum Regular United Kingdom 588 Posts	Baronslair: Not everyone is suited for BDSM no matter if they read the forums or books,it's just the way it is sometimes.I don't know if your guy will make it as a Dom or not.Don't feel that you've done anything wrong if it doesn't happen,some people are better in vanilla relationships and just don't feel the attraction to D/s. The Baron I have to agree with Baronslair on this one, Doms are not made they either are or are not, and you being snicky just to be punished! Enough said.

CaethesEi	Posted: 2010-02-09 16:33
Forum Maniac United States 2,891 Posts	Freetime28: I have to agree with Baronslair on this one, Doms are not made they either are or are not, and you being snicky just to be punished! Enough said. Right. They can't all be your "heroic" Mr. Wittman. Funny thing about those SS officers, they were probably compensating for their lack of domliness by destroying the lives of others. 'Nuff said.

soldierboy3	Posted: 2010-02-09 17:15
Forum Initiate United States 1 Posts	first and foremost i have to agree with everything everybody has said on her so far.you pushed him into the bdsm lifestyle and he went along with it because he wanted to make you happy not because he was truely into it or anything like that.im not going to beat around the bush or anything like that.you are trying to force upon him a lifestyle that just isnt something hes interested in being a part of full time like you are and for that one and only reason you are being a bad sub.by trying to make him into something hes not your biting off alot more then you can handle because one of many things that could happen is that you could end up pushing him away and ending things and quite honestly like alot of people have already said to you it sounds like all and all you two have a pretty good relationship.theres nothing wrong with a person not being into bdsm.bdsm as far as doing it 24/7 isnt for everyone.you should take the advice that these people are giving you because by changing him your trying to destroy the man you fell in love with and if you keep going that route then he could feel threatened and either like i said earlier alot of things could happen and he could turn into something you really wont like.be happy with who and what you got or leave him and find someone that will give you what you want.and by the way yes it does seem like your trying to be the one in control otherwise you wouldnt have tried to change him in the first place

BreathMynt	Posted: 2010-02-09 19:26
Forum Newbie United States 50 Posts	My input on the wearing your collar portion of your post is this: People wear everything from safety pins to bamboo through out their bodies these days I highly doubt anyone will judge you if you do not bring attention to it. just wear it with pride like a wedding ring or favorite watch. Have you seen the "Tiffany's" necklace line? They are dog collar looking things with keys, locks, and hearts. Depending on the style of your collar maybe a "Collar for out" is an option? Have a great day! Sheryl

CaethesEi	Posted: 2010-02-09 20:07
Forum Maniac United States 2,891 Posts	Pearls are always very nice.

Baronslair	Posted: 2010-02-10 09:34
Forum Maniac United States 6,688 Posts	CaethesEi: Pearls are always very nice. How bout a pearl necklace from The Baron?. The Baron

Maryland	Posted: 2010-02-10 11:02
Forum Initiate - unknown - 16 Posts	People are either born for BDSM or not. It doesn't seem like it's something that he needs from his heart or soul. He's trying to change to please you. You may need to accept the fact that he just does not have that desire as you do. I dated a man that wasn't into BDSM and he tried to be into it, just because he wanted me. When we did experiment with it, I could tell he just wasn't into it. For me, it is a desire that comes from my heart, mind and soul. I'm wired like that, always have been. It's like trying to make a cat turn into a dog, it just can't happen. The bottom line is you have found love, but is it enough? Good luck.

jesterdoll	Posted: 2010-02-12 09:03
Forum Initiate United States 4 Posts	I wanted to thank everyone for the advice, and I do feel better with a different perspective in mind. I am learning to accept his level of comfort with the things we do, and that is helping the matter. I also think that as we are both still relatively young, we will learn more as we go. As to the collar issue, I have solved that by finding a new one that I can wear in public, and with pride. -Lucky

Patronus_mouse	Posted: 2010-02-12 09:04
Forum Maniac United States 3,521 Posts	Baronslair: CaethesEi: Pearls are always very nice. How bout a pearl necklace from The Baron?. The Baron I'd prefer Tiffany's. -- I DO think you're hilarious!

Author

Topic

jesterdoll

Posted: 2010-02-08 15:35

Forum Initiate

United States
4 Posts

Hello all-

My heart is beating rather fast at the moment because I have never posted on a forum before, especially one that involves something seen as an alternative lifestyle.

I am not entirely new to bdsm, but I feel that I am having a few problems in making the relationship with my Master work. We are in love, engaged as well. The first problem is that when I first met Him, I had to introduce bdsm to him. He had no idea that anything like it existed. I am afraid that this will introduce problems into our relationship.

The second thing is, He wants very much to be a good Master, but He sometimes holds back or doesn't discipline me because He is afraid to hurt me. We live with a roommate, so there are many things that we cannot do within our own home because of the roommate's presence. I want Him to punish me, so I often act out by biting Him or other such things to get his attention. Also, I want Him to apply the bdsm lifestyle outside of sex and the bedroom, and sometimes He does, but usually it evaporates within a few days.

Also, I have a collar, but I am afraid to wear it publicly for fear of judgment and criticism. I WANT to wear it, and proudly, but I can't get over the fear. I have always had people judging me growing up, and I don't want it to continue.

And yes, I have talked to Him about these things, but it seems like until we manage to get our own place, we will be stuck in this stagnant position. I am afraid of that. I want the relationship to progress.

Finally, I am afraid that somehow I am a bad sub, that I am doing something the wrong way. I talked to another Dom a few weeks ago, and she said that I seemed like I was the Dominant in the relationship, and I really am not. It is part of me to be submissive. I never want to dominate.

I am extremely confused at the moment, and I didn't know where else to turn for advice like this, because I don't want my Master to be angry with me.

If other Masters or even subs could please help me, I would greatly appreciate it. I am nervous that no one will reply. But it seems like there are many good people on this site and I am looking forward to meeting everyone.

-Lucky

Dr_M_E_Pain

Posted: 2010-02-08 16:14

Sadistic.

United States
2,808 Posts

You sound like someone who is in love with a vanilla guy but wants a BDSM relationship. Thus you have undertaken to 'Top from the bottom' as a way to get this guy to do the things you like. He is not into it and hesitates to go as far as you would like.

Speaking as a Dom who had to go through the transition from not hurting women to hurting women intentionally I can say this is not an easy transition to make. It breaks a lot of social rules. You need something fairly strong motivating you, genuine desire. Your man always drifts back to vanilla, because that is what he is.

You are making a mistake that is common among women. You have the *almost* perfect guy if you could just fix one or two things. The mistake is thinking you can fix them. Whether those things are: his desire to lay around on Saturday and watch football, or the fact that he spends every Tuesday with the guys playing cards at a strip joint, or he doesn't have a passion to dance the tango the way you do, or he won't be brutal enough with you during sex or take enough control in your everyday life; you are not going to be able to change them successfully without engendering resentment and hostility. So leave it alone. Be happy if he lowers the toilet seat. Trying to force the issue will turn your relationship to shit.

No one is perfect for anyone. Every relationship involves some level of compromise, and only you can decide how much compromise is too much compromise. If you want love, dominance, and sadism you need to find a guy who is wired that way. Otherwise you just have to settle for what you have and stop trying to make it into something it will never be. That way lies heartache.

About fucking time I changed this.

wanderingcelt

Posted: 2010-02-09 02:11

Forum Apprentice

United States
372 Posts

Don't be a good slave. Don't ask him to be a good master. Just love each other in the way you feel moved to. Practice getting to know him better. Practice sharing yourself with him. Practice accepting him as he is. Find the things he does like to do to you. Start there.

I used to act up with a girlfriend to provoke her to be more severe. It just scared her. She had some ferocity in her, I wish I had found a way to unlock more of it. The best was when I could accept her taking what she felt comfortable with. Demanding that be more aggressive than she was comfortable with inevitably caused the mood to entirely fizzle.

pensive

Posted: 2010-02-09 06:02

Forum Maniac

United States
5,860 Posts

he sounds less like a master than a semi-kinky friend.
for him, it's not as deep or permanent or full time
as you wish, and he gets distracted.

don't worry. if you really like/love him,
you only have to be happy together.

the parts that are missing may be those
you have to work a bit more at to keep on
his mind. if i were you, i'd make it a daily
topic of conversation, mixed into the normal
routine, and focus on what you want and like.
he may need to learn your preferences and
deeper desires and needs.

by the way, why not wear that collar somewhere
where the public doesn't see it? an ankle
may work or if it's a longer one, around
your waist. you two also need more time alone
away from the pesky roomie. it would allow you
to engage each other.

you sound like a caring and real person
in your post, not at all a bad sub.
just a real person.

has he even said or suggested he is
mad with you or mad at you?
you might be surprised that the only
madness is that which you think exists
not that which isn't there at all.
your fear is working overtime on that part.

g0ne

Posted: 2010-02-09 10:30

Forum Initiate

6 Posts

Edited by - p0ppet on 2010-02-10 00:09:18

Baronslair

Posted: 2010-02-09 11:07

Forum Maniac

United States
6,688 Posts

Not everyone is suited for BDSM no matter if they read the forums or books,it's just the way it is sometimes.I don't know if your guy
will make it as a Dom or not.Don't feel that you've done anything wrong if it doesn't happen,some people are better in vanilla relationships and just don't feel the attraction to D/s.
The Baron

Magdalene

Posted: 2010-02-09 13:57

Forum Maniac

United States
4,211 Posts

I'm confused by many things you say.

You introduced him to BDSM. Why do you think that will introduce problems into your relationship?

Why can't he punish you because you have a roommate? Is it because you need to be quiet? Um, punishment does not have to be loud. He could make you write sentences, wash your mouth out with soap, ground you, take away privileges, all kinds of things that your roommate would never know about.

Why are you stuck in a stagnate place because you have a roommate? I just don't get that.

If you are worried about wearing a collar in public, what about getting a necklace or something that would represent a collar but that would be appropriate for vanilla occasions?

Magdalene

Freetime28

Posted: 2010-02-09 15:36

Forum Regular

United Kingdom
588 Posts

Baronslair:
Not everyone is suited for BDSM no matter if they read the forums or books,it's just the way it is sometimes.I don't know if your guy
will make it as a Dom or not.Don't feel that you've done anything wrong if it doesn't happen,some people are better in vanilla relationships and just don't feel the attraction to D/s.
The Baron

I have to agree with Baronslair on this one, Doms are not made they either are or are not, and you being snicky just to be punished!
Enough said.

CaethesEi

Posted: 2010-02-09 16:33

Forum Maniac

United States
2,891 Posts

Freetime28:
I have to agree with Baronslair on this one, Doms are not made they either are or are not, and you being snicky just to be punished!
Enough said.

Right. They can't all be your "heroic" Mr. Wittman. Funny thing about those SS officers, they were probably compensating for their lack of domliness by destroying the lives of others.

'Nuff said.

soldierboy3

Posted: 2010-02-09 17:15

Forum Initiate

United States
1 Posts

first and foremost i have to agree with everything everybody has said on her so far.you pushed him into the bdsm lifestyle and he went along with it because he wanted to make you happy not because he was truely into it or anything like that.im not going to beat around the bush or anything like that.you are trying to force upon him a lifestyle that just isnt something hes interested in being a part of full time like you are and for that one and only reason you are being a bad sub.by trying to make him into something hes not your biting off alot more then you can handle because one of many things that could happen is that you could end up pushing him away and ending things and quite honestly like alot of people have already said to you it sounds like all and all you two have a pretty good relationship.theres nothing wrong with a person not being into bdsm.bdsm as far as doing it 24/7 isnt for everyone.you should take the advice that these people are giving you because by changing him your trying to destroy the man you fell in love with and if you keep going that route then he could feel threatened and either like i said earlier alot of things could happen and he could turn into something you really wont like.be happy with who and what you got or leave him and find someone that will give you what you want.and by the way yes it does seem like your trying to be the one in control otherwise you wouldnt have tried to change him in the first place

BreathMynt

Posted: 2010-02-09 19:26

Forum Newbie

United States
50 Posts

My input on the wearing your collar portion of your post is this:
People wear everything from safety pins to bamboo through out their bodies these days I highly doubt anyone will judge you if you do not bring attention to it. just wear it with pride like a wedding ring or favorite watch. Have you seen the "Tiffany's" necklace line? They are dog collar looking things with keys, locks, and hearts.

Depending on the style of your collar maybe a "Collar for out" is an option?

Have a great day!
Sheryl

CaethesEi

Posted: 2010-02-09 20:07

Forum Maniac

United States
2,891 Posts

Pearls are always very nice.

Baronslair

Posted: 2010-02-10 09:34

Forum Maniac

United States
6,688 Posts

CaethesEi:
Pearls are always very nice.

How bout a pearl necklace from The Baron?. _tongue

The Baron

Maryland

Posted: 2010-02-10 11:02

Forum Initiate

- unknown -
16 Posts

People are either born for BDSM or not. It doesn't seem like it's something that he needs from his heart or soul. He's trying to change to please you.

You may need to accept the fact that he just does not have that desire as you do. I dated a man that wasn't into BDSM and he tried to be into it, just because he wanted me. When we did experiment with it, I could tell he just wasn't into it.

For me, it is a desire that comes from my heart, mind and soul. I'm wired like that, always have been. It's like trying to make a cat turn into a dog, it just can't happen.

The bottom line is you have found love, but is it enough?

Good luck.

jesterdoll

Posted: 2010-02-12 09:03

Forum Initiate

United States
4 Posts

I wanted to thank everyone for the advice, and I do feel better with a different perspective in mind. I am learning to accept his level of comfort with the things we do, and that is helping the matter. I also think that as we are both still relatively young, we will learn more as we go. As to the collar issue, I have solved that by finding a new one that I can wear in public, and with pride.

-Lucky

Patronus_mouse

Posted: 2010-02-12 09:04

Forum Maniac

United States
3,521 Posts

Baronslair:

CaethesEi:
Pearls are always very nice.

How bout a pearl necklace from The Baron?. _tongue

The Baron

I'd prefer Tiffany's.

I DO think you're hilarious!

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