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Shifty	Posted: 2004-06-04 16:29
Forum Apprentice 474 Posts	I really can't say it's a surprise, but sometimes there are certain questions that just don't need to be asked. Mom - Hello? Me - Hi mom, I see you're back. How's everything? Mom - Oh, it's YOU! Let me tell you what, little boy! I think you'd better come home for a weekend so we can talk about this. We ha- Me - Mom, I can't come home right now. Don't start ok? Let's pretend we're related and talk like a nice family? It'll be neat! (Patience. Patience. Patience. Ahhhhh! Patience. Patience. No screaming. Patience.) Mom- AS I WAS SAYING Mr. Smarty pants- We have waaaaaaaay too much to discuss, and if you think I'm letting my son off the hook you're sorely mistaken! Sorely! (Shit. she said "sorely." Twice! That's bad. That's always bad! Quick, suck up! Schmooze!) Me - I thought P&J were taking you to a munch? Did it go well? Mom - Yes Mister Patttaaaay and little priss jeanie took me to that sex meeting, and they told everyone I wanted to join! Why, I could have- Me - Well good for you. See? It's not such a bad thing now that you knnnn.... what? (Did she just say Pataaaaay and priss jeanie? I'm not sure I want to know.) Mom - A 44 YEAR OLD WANTED TO RUB HIS TONGUE ON MY SHOES! And who knows what else! Me - (I've heard it all now. Obviously, the universe hates me.) Mom - Well? What do you have to say for yourself! Me - So did he wash them both up really shiny for you? (Ha! Point for me!) Mom - (You remember those hearing test booths? Those things are fuckin' LOUD compared to this.) Me - Mom, you're freakin' me out here. I love you????? (Schmooze more damn you! More!) Mom - Well, only one. I got too embarrassed and everyone was looking at him. I felt like a freak! (. point for mom. ) Me - Wait a minute. You let some guy suck your shoes at a meeting !?! Mom - Nooooonono. That was at the party. Everyone made him behave at the munch. See? Munch. That's what it's called right? Me - (coughs) Mom - I'm sore. This is all your fault. My hand feels like it's broken thanks to you! Me - Ok, let's talk about birthday parties. Remember when you got me that nice bicycle and the clow- (I did not hear that. I did not hear that. I did not hear that.) Mom - Don't you change the subject on me, mister! I want to know how long you've been into these sex clubs! Me - .and he kept making balloon animals and- Mom - Were you ever going to tell me about this? Me - ...then Mathew fell down the stairs and bumped his chin and- Mom - You better listen up and answer my questions boy, I'm going to pop you a good one! Me - I'm not listening. Lala la ala alalalaa- Mom - There were twenty people there! And they actually clapped when I spanked that man! I was so embarrassed! He even said "Yes ma'am" and "No ma'am" all night! Me - I'm retracting into the womb now. I see it clearly, my youth. Pretty flowers, serenity all around me. The world was a better place, back then. (I'm doomed. Forever.) Mom - He was cute. He even asked for my phone number, Kirky. My phone number! (Why, exactly, is she whispering this? I am NOT going to giggle with my mother. No fuckin' way.) Me - Can I please go wack myself now? I saw a great bridge on the way home. Really high, deep water. Perfect for the job. Mom - Oh stop it. You're the one who got me into this mess. Me - Mom, let me offer you some guidance. See, I'm the son. You're the momma. The momma is the virtuous woman, the angel with infinite love and kindness, the one who makes the best bologna sandwiches. Mom - Now why didn't you say that 20 years ago? Me - Because 20 years ago my mother was still a virgin. It went without saying. Mom- 20 years ago you were 13. And my hand wouldn't have hurt as much. Me - Which means the stork who brought me to you was running a little late, don'tcha think? Do NOT ruin my motherly image of you mom. Mom - Ok. Fine. I won't tell you about him. Me - About who? Mom - Really want me to answer that? Me - No. Mom - Are you sure? He's very, very cute. And a gentleman! And strong! Me - You spanked him, mom. He (cough) licked you. (I swear I just drank a bottle of olive oil.) Mom - I didn't want to. They made me. (Historical note: This is officially the first time my mother has ever lied to me.) Me - Yeah. Right. Ok. So surely you don't still think I'm a freak. I'm not even one of your customers! Doesn't that count? Mom - Don't you think you're going to get away with this bucko! You're not off the hook! Me - But mom, you just said- Mom - I'm your mother! I can do whatever I want, you little squirt! Me - I have a work call to take mom. Mom - No you don't. Me - I know. But I really wish I did. Mom - Oh for petes sake. Go back to work. I'll tell you about the rest later. G'bye rotten kid. Me - Uhh.. Mom - (Click) -- - Some things are too fundamental to debate. - It is intuitively obvious to the most casual observer. - Ya got three choices. The high road, the low road, or my fuckin' footpath. Mod Note: Moved from BDSM Relationships Edited by - firedaughter on 2004-06-04 17:54:04 Edited by - Esmerelda on 2004-06-05 05:55:33

LushBody	Posted: 2004-06-04 16:42
Forum Regular United Kingdom 607 Posts	oh my.. u are in deeeeeep shit lol * giggles helplessly* shakes head and goes off to mah bed thanks u cheered me up a treat lol -- but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie, your eyes are soft with sorrow, Hey, that's no way to say goodbye. Lead me not into temptation ... I can find my own way

tears_of_ice	Posted: 2004-06-04 16:50
The Devils Advisor-in-Chief 6,849 Posts	ROFLMAO Oh this just keeps getting better and better..can I have your mum's number... -- MEG : The MyThIc@l EliTiZt Gr0uP! Once its consensual who needs safe and sane I'm a regular R.A.C.K.ette ~Elitist Secwet Holder~

kismet101	Posted: 2004-06-04 16:50
Forum Apprentice Canada 137 Posts	Shifty.... thank you, thank you, thank you The saga continues! Now I do have to go back and read ALL of your threads! I'll never get my drywalling finished. Kiz -- "It's better to endure one sharp pain - however sharp and however long - than a dull ache of unconsciousness that lasts the rest of your life". "The moment of surrender is not when life is over, but when life really begins". Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love What If The Hokey Pokey Really IS What It's All About?

valkyrja	Posted: 2004-06-04 16:51
Forum Newbie Canada 94 Posts	snickers poor Shifty. -- The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. - Ellen Parr It is a great thing to know our vices - Cicero

The_Real_Randy	Posted: 2004-06-04 16:52
Forum Regular 607 Posts	Hilarious, thanks. -- So Goes It !!

blue	Posted: 2004-06-04 16:53
The Devils Advocate United States 2,483 Posts	I always hate when people lick my shoes non-con too! LMAO! If I give you my number, Shifty, will you have your mom call me? wanders off snickering Take care! -- I am not like I was before. I thought that nothing would change me. ~Sinead O'Connor In case you never noticed the path you never chose has chosen you. ~Jason Mraz We like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit. ~Baby (House of 1000 Corpses) http://www.outpimp.com/?x=249244

little_harlott	Posted: 2004-06-04 16:55
Forum Slut United States 1,084 Posts	LMAO!! I loved the part about the bridge... You're so funny!! Although, I feel for ya - I certainly couldn't discuss any of these things with my mother... LOL Hang in there!

annieathena	Posted: 2004-06-04 16:59
Forum Newbie United States 54 Posts	GO MOM GO!!!!!!!!! -- THAT is like the Devil callin the Pope unholy! I am a lady! And if you don't treat me like a lady, I will kick your ass!

ladyisis	Posted: 2004-06-04 17:03
Forum Slut United States 1,078 Posts	These get better and better. Who would have thought your mother was a Domme? I can wait to find out more about her new sub.

anna_angel_too	Posted: 2004-06-04 17:06
Forum Slut United States 1,790 Posts	This just keeps getting better and better. I am speechless and laughing so damn hard I can barely see the screen. Do I smell Pulitzer Prize? -- in peace and love, anna 'It doesnt matter how we got to this point. It only matters that we find someone as sick as we are who really truly loves us this way' simply_carol's vanilla, soccer mom, headshrinker friend I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. We're a community that faces criticism from the outer world, why hack away at each other here, our safe place,a place that celebrates our lifestyle? (Sif)

Enchantra	Posted: 2004-06-04 17:08
Forum Regular United States 938 Posts	You know Shifty, all I have to do is read one of your posts and I get a great laugh. I appreciate it.

web_tart	Posted: 2004-06-04 17:08
Angelic_Tart United States 9,848 Posts	Oh my god, I love your mother. When she comes to visit you in CT, will you PLEASE invite us all to meet her???? PLEASE????? PLEASE????? -- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bondage Amazon Subs Head Tart in charge of Recruitment ~~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ Toss THAT little nugget in the fire, and watch her head explode!!! He who knows patience knows peace ~~~ Chinese Proverb It's all a test~~~PoDB

nina_de_la_diosa	Posted: 2004-06-04 17:17
Forum Slut Canada 1,429 Posts	Shifty, I adore you!!! LMAO!!! Thank you SOOO much for the desperately needed laugh!!! By the way, you might wanna give Momma some tips on spanking technique so she doesn't have to suffer next time she spanks her li'l shoe-licker...<giggle>... Vixen

Zek_n_pet	Posted: 2004-06-04 17:23
Forum Slut United States 1,838 Posts	Better yet, just give her advice on the best spanking implements in her store....Shifty, I think I love you -- His Il me possède comme il a depuis le début du temps, et je suis à lui jusqu'à l'extrémité ~Don't fake your life, inhale it~ Pantera Edited by - Redhedslave on 2004-06-04 17:23:59

oasis_909	Posted: 2004-06-04 17:24
Forum Regular Canada 710 Posts	Oh Shifty...can I offer you a cup of Tea? perhaps a slice of coffee cake?? I'm guessing this is only the start... -- For those who believe - no explanation is needed. For those who do not - no explanation is possible.

Author

Topic

Shifty

Posted: 2004-06-04 16:29

Forum Apprentice

474 Posts

I really can't say it's a surprise, but sometimes there are certain questions that just don't need to be asked.

Mom - Hello?

Me - Hi mom, I see you're back. How's everything?

Mom - Oh, it's YOU! Let me tell you what, little boy! I think you'd better come home for a weekend so we can talk about this. We ha-

Me - Mom, I can't come home right now. Don't start ok? Let's pretend we're related and talk like a nice family? It'll be neat! (Patience. Patience. Patience. Ahhhhh! Patience. Patience. No screaming. Patience.)

Mom- AS I WAS SAYING Mr. Smarty pants- We have waaaaaaaay too much to discuss, and if you think I'm letting my son off the hook you're sorely mistaken! Sorely! (Shit. she said "sorely." Twice! That's bad. That's *always* bad! Quick, suck up! Schmooze!)

Me - I thought P&J were taking you to a munch? Did it go well?

Mom - Yes *Mister* Patttaaaay and little priss jeanie took me to that sex meeting, and they told everyone I wanted to join! Why, I could have-

Me - Well good for you. See? It's not such a bad thing now that you knnnn.... what? (Did she just say Pataaaaay and priss jeanie? I'm not sure I want to know.)

Mom - A 44 YEAR OLD WANTED TO RUB HIS TONGUE ON MY SHOES! And who knows what else!

Me - (I've heard it all now. Obviously, the universe hates me.)

Mom - Well? What do you have to say for yourself!

Me - So did he wash them both up really shiny for you? (Ha! Point for me!)

Mom - (You remember those hearing test booths? Those things are fuckin' LOUD compared to this.)

Me - Mom, you're freakin' me out here. I love you????? (Schmooze more damn you! More!)

Mom - Well, only one. I got too embarrassed and everyone was looking at him. I felt like a freak! (. point for mom. )

Me - Wait a minute. You let some guy suck your shoes at a meeting !?!

Mom - Nooooonono. That was at the party. Everyone made him behave at the munch. See? Munch. That's what it's called right?

Me - (coughs)

Mom - I'm sore. This is all your fault. My hand feels like it's broken thanks to you!

Me - Ok, let's talk about birthday parties. Remember when you got me that nice bicycle and the clow- (I did not hear that. I did not hear that. I did not hear that.)

Mom - Don't you change the subject on me, mister! I want to know how long you've been into these sex clubs!

Me - .and he kept making balloon animals and-

Mom - Were you ever going to tell me about this?

Me - ...then Mathew fell down the stairs and bumped his chin and-

Mom - You better listen up and answer my questions boy, I'm going to pop you a good one!

Me - I'm not listening. Lala la ala alalalaa-

Mom - There were twenty people there! And they actually clapped when I spanked that man! I was so embarrassed! He even said "Yes ma'am" and "No ma'am" all night!

Me - I'm retracting into the womb now. I see it clearly, my youth. Pretty flowers, serenity all around me. The world was a better place, back then. (I'm doomed. Forever.)

Mom - He was cute. He even asked for my phone number, Kirky. My phone number! (Why, exactly, is she whispering this? I am NOT going to *giggle* with my mother. No fuckin' way.)

Me - Can I please go wack myself now? I saw a great bridge on the way home. Really high, deep water. Perfect for the job.

Mom - Oh stop it. You're the one who got me into this mess.

Me - Mom, let me offer you some guidance. See, I'm the son. You're the momma. The momma is the virtuous woman, the angel with infinite love and kindness, the one who makes the best bologna sandwiches.

Mom - Now why didn't you say that 20 years ago?

Me - Because 20 years ago my mother was still a virgin. It went without saying.

Mom- 20 years ago you were 13. And my hand wouldn't have hurt as much.

Me - Which means the stork who brought me to you was running a little late, don'tcha think? Do NOT ruin my motherly image of you mom.

Mom - Ok. Fine. I won't tell you about him.

Me - About who?

Mom - Really want me to answer that?

Me - No.

Mom - Are you sure? He's very, very cute. And a gentleman! And strong!

Me - You spanked him, mom. He (cough) licked you. (I swear I just drank a bottle of olive oil.)

Mom - I didn't want to. They made me. (Historical note: This is officially the first time my mother has ever lied to me.)

Me - Yeah. Right. Ok. So surely you don't still think I'm a freak. I'm not even one of your customers! Doesn't that count?

Mom - Don't you think you're going to get away with this bucko! You're not off the hook!

Me - But mom, you just said-

Mom - I'm your mother! I can do whatever I want, you little squirt!

Me - I have a work call to take mom.

Mom - No you don't.

Me - I know. But I really wish I did.

Mom - Oh for petes sake. Go back to work. I'll tell you about the rest later. G'bye rotten kid.

Me - Uhh..

Mom - (Click)

--
- Some things are too fundamental to debate.
- It is intuitively obvious to the most casual observer.
- Ya got three choices. The high road, the low road, or my fuckin' footpath.

Mod Note: Moved from BDSM Relationships

Edited by - firedaughter on 2004-06-04 17:54:04

Edited by - Esmerelda on 2004-06-05 05:55:33

LushBody

Posted: 2004-06-04 16:42

Forum Regular

United Kingdom
607 Posts

oh my.. u are in deeeeeep shit lol

* giggles helplessly*

*shakes head and goes off to mah bed *

thanks u cheered me up a treat lol

but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye. Lead me not into temptation ... I can find my own way

tears_of_ice

Posted: 2004-06-04 16:50

The Devils Advisor-in-Chief

6,849 Posts

ROFLMAO Oh this just keeps getting better and better..can I have your mum's number... _big

MEG : The MyThIc@l EliTiZt Gr0uP! _tongue

Once its consensual who needs safe and sane
I'm a regular R.A.C.K.ette
~Elitist Secwet Holder~

kismet101

Posted: 2004-06-04 16:50

Forum Apprentice

Canada
137 Posts

Shifty.... thank you, thank you, thank you _wink

The saga continues! Now I do have to go back and read ALL of your threads! I'll never get my drywalling finished.

Kiz
--

"It's better to endure one sharp pain - however sharp and however long - than a dull ache of unconsciousness that lasts the rest of your life".
"The moment of surrender is not when life is over, but when life really begins".
*Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love*
What If The Hokey Pokey Really IS What It's All About?

valkyrja

Posted: 2004-06-04 16:51

Forum Newbie

Canada
94 Posts

*snickers* poor Shifty.
--
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. - Ellen Parr

It is a great thing to know our vices - Cicero

The_Real_Randy

Posted: 2004-06-04 16:52

Forum Regular

607 Posts

Hilarious, thanks.
--
So Goes It !!

blue

Posted: 2004-06-04 16:53

The Devils Advocate

United States
2,483 Posts

I always hate when people lick my shoes non-con too!

LMAO!

If I give you my number, Shifty, will you have your mom call me?

*wanders off snickering*

Take care!
--
I am not like I was before. I thought that nothing would change me.
~Sinead O'Connor
In case you never noticed the path you never chose has chosen you.
~Jason Mraz
We like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit. ~Baby (House of 1000 Corpses) http://www.outpimp.com/?x=249244

little_harlott

Posted: 2004-06-04 16:55

Forum Slut

United States
1,084 Posts

LMAO!! I loved the part about the bridge... You're so funny!! Although, I feel for ya - I certainly couldn't discuss any of these things with my mother... LOL Hang in there!

annieathena

Posted: 2004-06-04 16:59

Forum Newbie

United States
54 Posts

GO MOM GO!!!!!!!!!

--

THAT is like the Devil callin the Pope unholy!

I am a lady! And if you don't treat me like a lady, I will kick your ass!

ladyisis

Posted: 2004-06-04 17:03

Forum Slut

United States
1,078 Posts

These get better and better. Who would have thought your mother was a Domme? I can wait to find out more about her new sub. _tongue

anna_angel_too

Posted: 2004-06-04 17:06

Forum Slut

United States
1,790 Posts

This just keeps getting better and better. I am speechless and laughing so damn hard I can barely see the screen.

Do I smell Pulitzer Prize?
--
in peace and love, anna
'It doesnt matter how we got to this point. It only matters that we find someone as sick as we are who really truly loves us this way' simply_carol's vanilla, soccer mom, headshrinker friend
I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. We're a community that faces criticism from the outer world, why hack away at each other here, our safe place,a place that celebrates our lifestyle? (Sif)

Enchantra

Posted: 2004-06-04 17:08

Forum Regular

United States
938 Posts

You know Shifty, all I have to do is read one of your posts and I get a great laugh. I appreciate it. _big

web_tart

Posted: 2004-06-04 17:08

Angelic_Tart

United States
9,848 Posts

Oh my god, I love your mother. When she comes to visit you in CT, will you PLEASE invite us all to meet her???? PLEASE????? PLEASE?????
--
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bondage Amazon Subs
Head Tart in charge of Recruitment

~~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Toss THAT little nugget in the fire, and watch her head explode!!!

He who knows patience knows peace ~~~ Chinese Proverb

It's all a test~~~PoDB

nina_de_la_diosa

Posted: 2004-06-04 17:17

Forum Slut

Canada
1,429 Posts

Shifty, I adore you!!! LMAO!!! Thank you SOOO much for the desperately needed laugh!!!

By the way, you might wanna give Momma some tips on spanking technique so she doesn't have to suffer next time she spanks her li'l shoe-licker...<giggle>...

Vixen

Zek_n_pet

Posted: 2004-06-04 17:23

Forum Slut

United States
1,838 Posts

Better yet, just give her advice on the best spanking implements in her store....Shifty, I think I love you _wink

--
His

Il me possède comme il a depuis le début du temps, et je suis à lui
jusqu'à l'extrémité
~Don't fake your life, inhale it~ Pantera

Edited by - Redhedslave on 2004-06-04 17:23:59

oasis_909

Posted: 2004-06-04 17:24

Forum Regular

Canada
710 Posts

Oh Shifty...can I offer you a cup of Tea? perhaps a slice of coffee cake??

I'm guessing this is only the start...
_blush _shy
--
For those who believe - no explanation is needed. For those who do not - no explanation is possible.

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