Bondage Forums

. questions such as "how was your day?" and "are you changing your underwear regularly?" are fine and dandy. In fact, I'd rather her give me the 20 question drill EVERY day of the week than go through another conversation like I had last night.

(Note: To all you parents out there- Mind yer own fuggin' business! To all you children out there - keep yer yap shut!)

Anyway, it was a bad evening. The head gasket on my car decided to implode on itself leavin' me stranded on good ole CT15 as I was headin' home for the evening. So there I was, minding my own business tryin' to act like a mechanic. A professional mechanic, mind you- with all the bells and whistles and high-tech tools like. a screwdriver. And a pocket knife.

I'm fiddling with this and that, figurin' if I hit my cars G spot with with the screwdriver it'll start right up and purr on down the highway for me. Sounds logical enough for me..

But no. Do I get my car fixed? Oh fuck no, Because she called. On the cell phone. What IS it with her? WHY does she only call when I'm either at work, under my car, trying to sleep, or on the toilet? WTF?!

Ring

Ring-ring

Ring-ring-RING

RINGRINGRINGRING

Me - Yeah! Yah ok! What?! Hello?

Mom - Do you want to live to see 34, son? (I don't need this. I really - do - not - need - this.)

Me - Yah. Well, not at the moment. But yeah. What?? I'm busy mom.

Mom - You're going to be sorry you treat me like this when I'm dead and gone. (Hah. That one stopped working when I was 8!)

Me - You're immortal. It's the innate power of your newly licked shoes. (Pow! One for me!)

Mom - That's not funny. We really have to talk about this. I have some questions for you, and I'm concerned about this new young man I'm dating.

Me - Call my therapist.

Mom - You don't have a therapist.

Me - Exactly. (Bang bang! TWO for me!)

Mom - This isn't funny, child of mine. Why do you like to spank women?

Me - Because I'm sadistic. Didn't we cover this?

Mom - I never taught you to be that way.

Me - Neither did dad.

Mom - Then why?

Me - Mom, my car is broke down on the highway. You hear that sound? It's not me letting loose with flatulence you know. Come on, can't we talk later?

Mom - Do you have a tow truck there? And son, I STILL know what your diapers smelled like. Don't forget that alright? ( Shifty-1, Mom-1.)

Me - Not yet, no. And I smell like roses.

Mom - Then you have time to talk. Have you used your screwdriver on it yet? (.just once, I'd like to get a couple points on her and keep `em, ya know?)

Me - Um. No mom. I don't do that with stuff anymore. (Mental note: Take Lying For Dummies Course.)

Mom -Kirky... (So much for keepin' ahead of the game.)

Me - Ok ok. I didn't know what else to do. I gotta do SOMETHING you know. It's not like it's a lamp or anything. Jeezus.

Mom - Well? Why? This man wants me to spank him and let him play with my feet. It's wrong. I know it's wrong. How can a person want that? Why would I want to do that?

Me - Do you?

Mom - I don't know.

Me - I think you do. WHY is it wrong? Damn mom, it's not that bad. Life and sex and relationships are meant to-

Mom - I don't want to think about it!! Now you listen to me, you're going to stop this with your kinky girlfriends, Mister Slappy!

Me - This isn't about my girls, mom. And I don't have any remember? What's up? Tell me, I'll answer as I fiddle.

Mom - Why do you like it? You're bad!!! Rotten kid.

Me - Yeah. I am. It feels good, too. You uncomfortable with this guy?

Mom - I like him. He makes me tingle.

Me - (What the hell am I supposed to say to THAT?!)

Mom - Are you there?

Me - Well, yeah. I'm fixin' to pass out because my mom almost had a pottymouth, but I'm here.

Mom - I do not have a potty mouth! You're grounded!

Me - You can't ground me. I have weapons you know.

Mom - Oh, you bought another stick? I hope she cracks YOU with it once or twice.

Me - Never happen. I'll tie her up first.

Mom - .....

Me - Mom?

Mom - Have you?

Me - What? Have I what? Mom, buy me a new car for Xmas ok? Thanks. (fiddle, jab poke poke)

Mom - Have you tied anyone up?

Me - Lots. It's fun. (Shit. There goes the screwdriver.)

Mom - For who?

Me - Me. (How the hell am I gonna get that thing outta there?)

Mom - What about her?

Me - I don't know. Most times she's still passed out from the drugs.

Mom - That's NOT funny!

Me - Ok ok, yes. It's fun for both. Why? (I shoulda bought a magnetized screwdriver for kids.)

Mom - How tight?

Me - Tight as you like, and tight as he can stand. Make sure you can pull one end to undo it. And keep a razor knife close by in case you have to cut the poor bastard loose.

Mom - Well I was thinking about it. He'd really look cute that way. And he says he likes it.

Me - So cocoon him and enjoy it mom. Look, I gotta go ok?

Mom - Will you please try to answer my questions?

Me - No. I hate you.

Mom - You're NOT making your mother happy.

Me - That's what your boytoy is for now. Heh.

Mom - Is it ok to like these things?

Me - Yeah. It's ok mom. Just don't rush it ok?

Mom - I love you. But I'm still upset with you.

Me - Yeah well, I love you too. If he hurts you I'll make sure no one ever finds his body. You know that.

Mom - He's nice. I'll be careful. I just don't understand why this is on my mind so much.

Me - Mom, I think it's been on your mind forever. Now you're just not fighting it as hard.

Mom - I don't know. Good night son. Be safe.

Me - Right on, sexy. Love you. (Yes, I call her sexy. Sue me.)

Mom - (click)

Me - (Calling her back.)

Mom - Yes?

Me - You owe me a screwdriver now! Hey, you got Triple A??

Mom - I told you to stop playing with those things a long time ago. Tow it home with your screwdriver. (Click)

Anyone have a family sized box of Alka Seltzer? This shit is makin' me old. Really fuckin' fast.

ShiFty
--
- Some things are too fundamental to debate.
- It is intuitively obvious to the most casual observer.
- Ya got three choices. The high road, the low road, or my fuckin' footpath.

Your mom is lucky that she can talk with you, and you know, it's true, what they say about your mom always being your mom. There are no questions that are off limits if she deems it so.

I agree with the suggestion that you need to buy your mom a book. That might bring up other questions, but you can always refer her back to the book.

Thanks for sharing!

-ce
--
Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa

If I thought this was a serious post and had actually happened I would ask why in Odin would anyone let their MOM of all people in on what they do in the bedroom.

I would also say something about "the acorn not falling to far from the tree" (notice I refrained from using the word "Nut" instead of acorn? Great restraint on my part I think) LOL

Great post dude, it made me smile.

Rogue

Look...suck it up, go visit your mom, sit down with her and TALK to the poor woman! She's coming to the ONE person she can trust with her new feelings and asking advice. I"m thinking now is the time to realize you weren't hatched onto this earth and that your mom's been doing this "sex-stuff" a lot longer than you like to think about. Just now she needs your information for the stuff she hasn't been doing...

And I'll ask the question I remind myself of all the time as my children become more sexual beings. "Who do you want her to hear this from? Someone who would NOT have her best interests at heart?"

Most of us are going to experience role reversal at some point with our parents. You just have it regarding things sexual.

Time for the heart to heart, before she learns stuff the way lots of us learn them - through the pain of not knowing anything before we walk into things.

Help your mom Kirky...er...Shifty. She's asking the only way she knows how. And if it's embarrassing for you, just think how embarrassing it is for her to have to ask her son about this.

Besides, she just might buy you a new slappy stick. On second thought, you could buy her one - kind of a gift for raising you right.

juliet
--
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. - Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Edited by - julietsierra on 2004-06-09 17:01:10

It's intentional KittyKat. He's keeping all of us in the Shifty Fan Club updated with his ongoing saga of his mom's "coming of age" event.

We're LOVING every moment!

juliet
--
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. - Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

A lot of people have a good point about you (yes, you) sitting down with your Mom and having *the* talk with her.

BTW, you're a man, use duct tape!
--
Katt - Not only can I fit both feet in my mouth, I can do this while keeping my head up my ass.
Winner of the Tongue in Cheek Humor Award for 2003 from control101010
Proud memeber and President of the Shifty's Mom fan club
Lo! Who is that, prowling on the mini-mall parking lot! It is Katt, hands clutching a reflective halberd! She howls vengefully: "For the love of carnage and discord, I shall traumatize the entire planet!"

lol
--
angel hugs`n`kitty kisses muah!

all you people look at me like im a little girl..did'ja ever think it would be ok for me to step into this world-brittany spears lerics((cant spell))

*#*#WARNING*#*# i cant spell..and i do use "u "ur" and all those lil abreviation thingies..sue me:P im not a crossdresser...i just like to dress in womans clothing-my friend richard

There is no fuckin' way I'm buyin' my mother a "handbook." No way. No.
'Sides, she works in a shop! She can get all the books she wants. She doesn't need me to bookmark all the pages of interest. Sheesh.

subdream - You call me Kirky again, and I'mma stick my foot about 17 inches into your rectum. Bah!

The rest of you- ahhhhhh shut it!

(I really don't know that I can have a truly serious discussion with her. The idea just ... squeams me out. Bleh.
--
- Some things are too fundamental to debate.
- It is intuitively obvious to the most casual observer.
- Ya got three choices. The high road, the low road, or my fuckin' footpath.