Bondage Forums

Right off the bat, I'd like to thank everyone here for your comments to my previous MOM posts. I realize I've not been able to reply individually to every reply on the "Mom" topics, but please don't think I'm not appreciative. I am, very much so.

I'm glad to see that for the most part, people are enjoying these posts. After all, one of the few things that are still legal worldwide is smiling. That, is exactly why I've been writing about my current relationship here in a public forum.

However- the reason I've posted these topics on the RELATIONSHIP forum, is because of the nature of the situation. Sure, it's humorous. But as with anything in the real world, it's not ALL humorous.

This is me. This is my mother. This is the real world, as oddball as it sounds.

The night she initially showed me the magazine, I really was floored. All joking aside, I had about 15 seconds to consider the implications of what she just showed me (the magazine) and then analyze my own response to seeing it. I was honestly at a loss. How did that happen? Was it fate? Was it dumb luck? Was it my own subconscious grabbing at an opportunity to let something "slip" so that I could finally feel free of my hidden life? (No answer is expected. These are musings, not real questions.)

I've been overseas quite a bit, and due to past circumstances haven't had much contact with my family. In fact, my visit to see them just prior to my move to Connecticut (almost a month ago now) was the first time I've seen or talked with anyone in my family in a long while (years.) I think this is important to how the situation has developed so far.

We're a dysfunctional family. Always have been. When I say dysfunctional, I mean it in the most profound sense. We have unique relationships among one another, but we don't have a "sense of family." We're just people, doing the best we can to make it in todays world. All too often, that doesn't include us as a family relying on or supporting each other.

When I finally went back to visit, I felt my life change on the spot. Not really sure why, or how (other than to say it was a change for the better) but it was something that a part of me needed very badly. I think I must have spent a tremendous amount of energy on hiding/controlling that need over the years.

So there I was, at "home" again. Seeing everything- the same houses, yards, neighborhoods, even the same people. Seeing all the changes, too. Staggering, that was. Absolutely mind numbing.

I felt like a stranger to my family. No doubt about it, they didn't know who I was any longer. I didn't know them either. It was such a strong, mutual feeling, that each conversation I had with anyone was a "Holy shit, times have changed" statement unto itself.

We've always been a logical, level headed group of people, and that hasn't changed. I think if anything, it's gotten to be a more refined way of thinking for us all. It's something that develops and enhances itself with age and experience perhaps.

Each and every one of us- myself, my mother, my grandparents, my two brothers, and my father wanted. no, needed- to have what other people would call a "normal" family relationship, or maybe it's better to say a "functional" family. We had moments like that, but they were just moments, scarce and randomly strewn between the times of chaotic instability.

It broke us. The world isn't a kind place at times, and slowly but surely we all sort of crumbled under the weight of harsh realities. We didn't give up, we didn't stop loving each other. We just had to figure out ways to cope and deal, heal and learn, grow and continue. Our expectations of each other as a family had not been met, and I think each of us felt like a failure in everyone else's eyes. Even in our own eyes to a degree.

My way was to distance myself, and find out who I am as a person on my own. Come to terms with myself. Accept myself. Accept the world. Phew, lemme tell you THAT was a task. You ever heard that phrase "Fight or Flight?" In it's simplest form, if you back a loving, cute, happy kitten into a corner and poke at it with a stick, its survival instinct kicks in and it'll either fight, or run. Since it can't run, it- Err. uh, well, I'd say it fights and gets all ferocious and stuff, but mainly it just spits and hisses and fluffs up and looks silly. But hey, you get my meaning. My point is- I was the kitten, and the planet had a really big fuckin' stick.

Now, before this starts to sound like a "poor me" post, I want to make sure that everyone understands it's NOT one of those. Sooooooo. all the hot slutty chicks who feel sympathy, line up on the left. The beatings will commence in a short while, to set you straight. The rest of you will hopefully get some kind of use from my rambling here.

Bottom line is- I took my "fight" to my own battleground. It's still going on, and I s'pose it'll never be finished. In fact, the best I can hope for is a healthy tie. There is no decisive winner in life, ya know? But I'm ok with that.

Still, this situation with my mother came about at precisely the correct time in our lives. I know that beyond a doubt, even though it's been a bizarre and semi-stressful period. The distance we created with each other has allowed each of us to look at ourselves and not feel like we were being held to expectations from our family. It's also allowed us to look at each other without expecting to see a "role model" family member.

I can accept her now. She can accept me now. These are things all of us in the ShiFty family had a very hard time doing for as long as I can remember. For whatever reason, our lives have changed for the better. I'm glad for it. So very glad.

The oddest thing is- I've not had a single moment of discomfort in the knowledge that she now knows I'm a sadistic, twisted bastard. But- I'm having a mildly difficult time grasping the concept that my mother might now end up really finding a part of herself that is similar to my own nature. It gives me the fuckin' willies, I tell ya. Even so, I'm going to see it through. Because we're not expecting solutions or perfection from each other now, we're free to be ourselves. Maybe that's the perfect solution.

We've had a couple other phone calls that didn't have such a humorous twist to them. I've not written about them, because they don't have the same flavor as the ones I've posted thus far (and also because it's very time consuming to transcript it.) Not bad phone calls, nothing negative. Just more of a serious discussion type of thingy. I'm mentioning this because I don't want people to think we're some kind of amazing family. We're not. What I DO hope is that someone/anyone here in bondage.com might be inspired, or motivated, or maybe just "nudged" a little to strengthen or straighten out a relationship they're involved in with whomever.

Well, that's enough for now. I don't know that all of these MOM posts will be of any real benefit to anyone, but I hope so. Thanks again everyone, I'm glad you're enjoying them- I'll continue to post them as they develop.

ShiFty

--
- Some things are too fundamental to debate.
- It is intuitively obvious to the most casual observer.
- Ya got three choices. The high road, the low road, or my fuckin' footpath.

I've always wondered how he truly viewed our relationship, whether in a good way or a bad way. His sense of humor includes being sick and twisted at times.

So i'd like to thank you for your mom stories, though i believe i've done that already.
--
"May your heart dance with the joy of each moment"
Cherokee

I know a lot about a few things, a little about a lot of things, and absolutely nothing about most things.

now that i'm a little older (and i DO mean a little) my relationship with my parents and my sister is changing. we're closer. we actually have friendship now, and we actually feel like a family. i don't know when it changed... i just know that it did.

do we still have those awkward moments where nobody knows what to say after the "how was your day?" is over? sure... but they go away shortly thereafter, and the house turns into a big raucaus noisy place where everybody talks at once. it's a lot of fun. we fight, we make up, we stop talking for short stints, we make up... it's a big mess, but i love every one of 'em.

*kisses* shifty darling... enjoy the day.

porce

No one is perfect, no family is perfect, and your ability to be able to laugh when it's appropriate, and dig down when it gets deeper, says a lot about your character.

I've really enjoyed your calls home. I got in trouble this morning for laughing too loud, from my (turning toppy) daughter, as I read the latest edition of calls home. In a way, perhaps it will be deja-vu for me, the first time that I get that call...."how to buy a flogger" and I will remember your posts. (And those calls will come...) I'm sure it will make me pretty squirky too at times....but it provides a different dimension to the family dynamic. It really is a blessed thing and well.....it is funny.....at times...

So, thank you for sharing all the musings, both serious and humourous.

Me getting just a bit philosophical here, too.....

I'm not sure that I buy the idea that all families are dysfunctional. My family has members who are individually quirky (and I'm not even in the quirkiest third, I would guess) but we are overall very functional as a family -- both my immediate family and the extended family. [On the other hand, my in-laws are definitely dysfunctional -- to the point that the effects of that on my husband's childhood and current psychological state may well be what does our marriage in.....]

My parents have been happily married for 40 years, and my dad's 75th birthday is this week. And we are facing something we'd never thought would happen -- my mother dying before my dad (she's 10 years younger, which is why it is so unexpected)-- my mother is fighting ovarian cancer, and it isn't looking promising, as she just this week started the 4th type of chemo since the beginning of the year. Whatever happens, I'm very thankful that I've had a chance to know her as an adult. If she weren't my mother, I'd still want her as my friend.

So I've been thinking about mother/child relationships a fair bit recently, as we've decided that I'm going to end up being the one to give the eulogy at the memorial service after she dies, as Dad will be too heartbroken and my brother is even shyer than I am....(yes, we tend towards the blunt and not very sentimental side of things....so we've talked about this). My mother has always been my editor, so I've got a major deadline on what I'm going to write for the eulogy, if I'm going to get the usual feedback on it.

Shifty, you may have moments that make you wish your mother were telling you less. Been there, done that (I could tell you stories about having a family summer place where the walls are made from just tongue-and-groove wood only 1/2in thick.......with my parents' bedroom right next to mine ) But my guess is that you won't regret (talking long-term here, not necessarily this week ) getting to know your mother as a person, rather than as just your mother. Better to be going through some discomfort now, than to not have done it and always wonder what might have been.

Laughing as a response to stress is almost always a good first step in dealing with the stress. And with healing relationships.....

Changing the focus a bit: I'm also not sure that one can't win at life. If you are a better person -- happier, at peace with yourself and who you are (especially true for those of us out of the mainstream in any way), at peace with friends & family (or as best as you can be, given the other people in those relationships), and maybe having done some good deeds over your life for those with less than you have -- when you die than when you were 20 or even 30, I think you've won. The world can indeed have a big stick -- and just managing not to lose ground sometimes can be a victory -- and coming out ahead is a landslide.

Probably not worth a penny, even with today's inflation......

biddy

how true.
--

I must tell you that I love your posts.

It is so wonderful to read something of substance instead of all the flaming latley on the forums. We all can learn from your writings and I thank-you.

You have a fan in Ohio. If you were ten years older and lived closer......lol. Your are just too cute in that suit!!

I hope to read more of your posts....keep them coming.

Seems like you have a fan club.